Part 4: College Drop Out

It has taken me over a year to pick up the rest of the series because I had to decide what I wanted to share and what I wanted to "forget". But it is hard to forget when you see yourself 10+ years later still acting out because you have never forgiven. I think most of the titles will be song and/or album titles because I consider them the soundtrack for the stories. 

Also, I need to atone for the things I have done. After that time in my life, I was never the same. I evolved into someone else. I'm not making excuses I'm just coming face to face with everything. I was never a "bad" person but I have done some "bad" shit. I made some bad choices and I hurt some good people. But understand this; when your world is governed by pain and you feel like the universe places hurt on your front door every chance she gets; 9 times outta 10 guess what you're going to put out?

If this is your first read, welcome, but I think you should go back and read parts 1-3.4 (April 2010) before reading this so you can understand it more clearly. Also, before you go on realize the dark cynicism is just who I am. If that's not you >>insert Kanye shrug here<<

After all that shit happened I ended up dropping out of college and going home. In retrospect, I realize I was running away from what I didn't know how to deal with. A trait I have yet to overcome. I still don't know how to not run.

I didn't date anyone, I went through a depression, I got a job and I formed friendships. Just as I was starting to feel like I was getting better Frat boy decided to come to my parents house with his new girlfriend  "cause he needed to see me"

Are you fucking serious right now?

Fortunately, I was not at home. I was at work, so he made his way there. Apparently for once fate was on my side, by the time he arrived I had already left from my shift so he missed me again and his girl had to get back to school which was a 3 hour drive so he couldn't double back.

Somehow I know she probably got the shit kicked out of her when they got back to school. He wasn't good with taking "no" for an answer.

Well at least it wasn't me. 

Did I mention that his girlfriend was white? I know that race shouldn't have mattered, but it did. I mean who goes to an HBCU and finds a white girl...seriously? And she was fat...da fuck?

During this time, Frat boy still called me and I took most of his calls. He would spend the 1st hour of the call blaming me for everything and telling me no one was ever gonna love me, the 2nd hour asking me for relationship advice, and the 3rd hour flirting or professing his love for me. This was always the cycle. I can say this, he was consistent. In spite of everything, I still felt something for him. Fear, contempt, sympathy...something. After every call he had managed to make me feel like shit.

I used to play "The One I Gave My Heart To" by Aaliyah & "Anytime" by Brian McKnight all the damn time, and I would cry myself to sleep. 300 miles away he was still controlling my life. Part of me felt like I deserved this for allowing my life to float so far down shit's creek.

After not seeing him for a year, I decided I was going to go up there for homecoming. I had planned to kick it with my other friends with whom I was also in constant touch with. My goal was to not see him. Get in and get out...unscathed.Oh but there was scathing...

Friday -- went off without a hitch. I was certain he was going to be with his frat. I avoided their plot and their party. But if you know anything about HBCU homecomings all the parties crack. So I went to another spot and had the time of my life. I got to see a lot of old friends an all around good night.

Saturday --Now the tricky part was going to be the game. It was a daytime game and no matter how packed it got the possibility of me crossing his path or that of a mutual acquaintance was high. I had made it to the 3rd quarter and no sign of him. I was leaving the stadium when I ran into his LB...literally.  I looked up so I could apologize and no words came out. He stared at me sideways I don't think he recognized me at first because of the changes (no more short blonde hair and no green contacts...don't judge me damn it lol) My hair was shoulder length and auburn. I looked good. (hey I did) He hesitated before he said anything. All he could manage was "do I know you?" I never replied I just hurried off with my friends and I as I looked back he was still staring at me all dumb founded.

Side Note: While hanging out on the yard. I met this guy. We will call him GA. Remember him for future installments.

After surviving the game I went out to dinner with my friends, bought lots of liquor and got ready to go out with my friends. We made sure to avoid his frat's party and go to a new spot that we heard was hot. After a few drinks in a crowded club I ran into my closest friend's little brother. (2 year age difference!) I remember him from when I used to go to their house on weekends before I dropped out of school. He was not so young anymore and he was in college. He always used to hit on me even when he was in high school. But now that he was technically an adult and cute as hell I could finally flirt back.

We danced together all night and believe me I am no police officer. I left the club and headed to our hotel which was 30 minutes away. He called me and asked could he come over. I wanted to say no, but it had been 18 very long months and well his sister was loaning him her car so well...uh...I guess it was ok. No need to go into all of the details but well I understand how clouded the mind is when it's all backed up with...

Sunday -- After 3 or 4...I mean by the next morning I was so over frat boy. Not because I was all newly infatuated because I wasn't, but because I was just over it. I was tired of playing his stupid games and blaming myself. I had too many other obstacles to deal with. The first being to get my ass back in school. If he wasn't worth being with he damn sure wasn't worth dropping out for. Fuck him!

I drove back to campus dropped off little brother, and went to say goodbye to my friends. Just as I was walking out of her dorm and to my car who should be leaning up against it? Yes, and he looked as sadistic then as he did the last time. But this time I wasn't phased. I was a new person. I was going to walk right past him. Ask him to move. Get in my car and drive off. (Doesn't that sound so tv movie newly empowered?) Yet that's not exactly how it went.

Here's how it really went.

I saw him and froze; every muscle in my body tensed. When I finally was able to move, I was taking baby steps like we were playing "mother may I". I made 0 eye contact with him and by the time I reached my car all I could manage was, "hey" in a voice maybe 3 decibels below a whisper.

"So you thought you could come here and not speak to me? You thought I wouldn't find out you were here?" he said snarkily
Before I could even answer he continued, "You know the long hair is such a good look. You look good. So when are we going to spend our time?"
"I have to get home. I have to go to work." I said trying to move closer to my car.
"No you don't. I called your mom. You're off until Wednesday. You have time for me." he stated calmly
"She got it all mixed up." I tried to lie.
"Oh no, she gave me the number and I called to check the schedule for you. I'm sure you're off. And there's no way you're leaving here without spending some quality time with me. I told your mom you'd be back in the morning." he snatched my keys out of my hand "so let's go for a drive..." he finished.
"You know what, I'm really not feeling this I want to go home. Besides don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked as I reached for my keys.
"No, she graduated and we broke up. You know how I feel about long distance relationships." he stared at me.

In that moment, I was so jealous of her. Envious of the fact that she had not only survived him, but was able to move on without the repercussions of him. She  had come to college and gotten what she came for while I had just tucked tail and ran. (aye you can take a girl out of the country...)

I quickly snapped out of it as he placed one hand on the roof of the car and put his forearm to my throat the position from afar would look like we were about to kiss. He pressed on my throat until I was gasping for air then he whispered. "I could crush your windpipe right here. Either you get in the car on your own or I'll put you in the car and you may or may not live to tell the tale."

I walked around my car like an exiled child. Got in the passenger seat and stared out the window. I knew what was going to happen next and if you've been keeping up so do you.

And I know I told you I was reborn before, but that person was killed too.

If I were a cat I'd have been on my 3rd life and if you remember another of my previous statements...nothing good happens in 3s.

Untitled

Feel for me what I feel for you.
Reach for me in the middle of night no matter who else is lying there
Look at her face but see mine
Peek at the sun and see my smile
Embrace the rain because it hides
Your metaphoric missing me tears behind your eyes
Force your fingers not to send that text because you want to remain stoic
But succumb to your heart because your pride won't know it
Realize that spending time with other chicks is a waste of time
Accept that your your heart is already mine

Say those words I've been waiting to hear
Let nothing give you pause; not time, distance, or fear
Trust that for me it's worth the leap
Know that what we have will keep.
Believe that what you've found in me is real
And though others hate we know what we feel
Wait for me because I'll come
As soon as you declare that I am your One.
Love is a choice and I want you to choose me
For I've already chosen you...clearly
You say you have trust issues and why don't I tell you how I feel
If you'd take a minute I'm sure you'll realize I just did

He Doesn't See Me

He doesn't see me
He's always looking past me
Or over my head

A polite thank you when I come to his aid
A subtly sincere 'preciate you when I am there in his time of need
Yet he never sees me

No matter how bright my smile is when he walks into the room
Or how my eyes twinkle when he speaks my name.
He never sees me

Even though my heartbeat is deafening when he touches me
And my pulse races the Indy 500 at the mere mention of his name
He never sees me

He never notices when I change my hair
Or wear that new dress I couldn't afford but bought to impress him
He still doesn't see me

When I send him a text just to say "hi"
Or I listen intently to his woes
I remain the invisible girl

When I tell him I need him

Or confess that I love him
He conveniently looks the other way

As significant as he is to me
And as insignificant as I am to him
It's no wonder he doesn't see me.

If he saw me he'd know he's my air
If he noticed he'd realize I'm always there
If he took the time to see me he'd know no one else could love him better
If he paid attention he'd realize I would have stood by him regardless of the weather

I'm tired of waiting on you to see what you never will.
I'm tired of wanting what I'll probably never have
It's time for me to be what I was for you
For someone who will see me
Because I wanna be seen

Men & Women: The Unwritten (Until Now) Rules of Engagement : Titles

BA; BS; MBA; PhD; Mr.; Mrs. are all titles. Titles that we strive for in order to demand respect, get a better job, or get a higher pay grade. We pay great money to obtain these titles and take pride in making sure everyone around us acknowledges them, however when it comes to the title that connotes a relationship or commitment people run from it like the plague.

This is the basis of my conversation with a group of friends of mine between the ages of 23-30. We were at a kick back and talking about relationships etcetera and when the idea of titles came up the men in the room were acting like we had cussed out their mama. It seemed the general consensus around the room was that if a man chooses to date a woman (and I use the term date in the rawest sense of the word) that should be enough. All of them felt as though labeling the young woman as their “girlfriend” only complicates things. Therefore, it serves no good purpose. “Why label a good thing?” one of the young men asked. They continued on to say that marriage is only a piece of paper so what is the point of that? The foundation of their beliefs rested on the idea of “it’s more important to do the job of a husband or boyfriend than to just have the title and behave oppositely.”  They went on to say that should a woman ask a man for a relationship the possibility of him no longer showing interest in her is quite high.  So, I asked myself “are titles really that important?” 

Now most of the women in the room seemed amazed at this revelation, but they should not have been because aren’t there more women nowadays choosing to be single or favoring long term relationships as opposed to marriage. Playing house but still checking single when they file their income taxes? But these ladies seemed to be getting an eye opening epiphany as they listened to the men in the room express their views. And each single woman in the room found themselves either resigning to be single forever or accepting the possibility of being someone’s long term “boo-thang.” But why do women accept inferior or nonexistent titles? Why do men feel so comfortable treating the women in their lives in a manner they would not want their mother or sister to be treated? 

While I sat back and listened to the men and women go back and forth on this topic I found myself perplexed and honestly somewhat amused. Listening to this debate made me feel old or old fashioned I guess, because all I kept thinking about is my grandfather saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At the time, that made little sense to me, but as I have grown up I understand it more fully. It just seems to me that people (both men and women) either want the end result without the work that goes before it or they do not want to do work at all but in both cases this makes them lazy. 

Not having a title means being able to do whatever you want; whenever you want without repercussions or guilt. If a person doesn’t want a title he/she has the option to jump on the next new or “better” thing should it appear. And if it doesn’t old faithful will still be around. It’s a win-win. Or so it may seem. 

Titles come with expectations and many people today are not willing to live up to those expectations. Simply put people are becoming lazier and more selfish. Let us be honest people don’t want titles because they don’t want to have to live up to anything. They want to be able to satiate all of their carnal desires. Basically keeping their options open at all times. Never committing to anyone in the hope that when/if the next best thing comes along they are available to explore that option as well. And not marrying because it is believed to be just a piece of paper is another cop out. When you forego that “piece of paper” you forego such things as benefits in life or death, unified family, joint assets (as recognized by the law), to name a few. But in essence anytime you/they want to walk away you can and with no repercussions. Easy breezy

Marriage is a standard and standards are a lost ethic in today’s society. My grandfather also used to say you must stand for something or you will fall for anything. And no one wants to stand so is it safe to say we’re watching people fall like dominoes. Walking away from a marriage constitutes thought and serious consideration. And in many cases stepping out on a marriage has other financial and long lasting consequences. People want the fun, but not the potential consequences. People want the party, but not the partnership. 

We will sign our names on shady loans, but not a promissory commitment to love and grow with someone. And there’s nothing wrong with growing apart, breaking up, or divorce. It’s not ideal but it would understandable. At least you made an effort to be an active participant in a relationship; unfortunately it did not work out. All in all titles are not villains they constitute the willingness of a person(s) to put in the work required to build something. Why is this too much to ask?

Black Girl Lost

Black Girl Lost

I am a woman of the night

Not the street walking kind but another type

A black girl lost of sorts

Not a bad girl by definition but by force

Or choice

The tough exterior you see is just a shell

But what lies beneath tells the true tale.

Born in this skin with the caramel red tint

Many fooled themselves thinking I was born privileged

The things I had weren’t always what they seemed

Because a lot of my clothes were hand-me-down jeans

But the trick was that I never realized we were poor

Well actually low middle class who made less look like more

But even the labels I was draped in didn’t truly hide

The disastrous hurricane that was brewing inside.

My first was an adult and I was still a child

So my first exposure to men and sex was at the hands of a pedophile

All this before I even turned five.

See if that doesn’t fuck with your mind.

And even though he wasn’t related biologically

The damage would be evident indefinitely.

The person who was supposed to be guarding me with their life

Lay right beside me pretending to be asleep as I cried

And when I asked her why?

She answered, “Little girls must never tell lies.”

The lengths a woman goes to keep a man

But I had to forgive her cuz she was a great grand

On the bright side this is where I gave birth to my imagination

Allowing myself to be lost in a world of my own creation

The place where a kid could be a kid

And no one knew the things I hid

Still it became too much for one little girl to hold inside

I was all alone & I wished I would die

And yes that’s probably the first time I considered suicide

But as the years would soon tell this wouldn’t be the last time

Because the scars would deepen and become harder to hide

And the men in my life would cause me to commit emotional genocide.

Once the innocence is lost it’s gone forever

Trying to get it back is a useless endeavor

So, try as I might my sanity began ungluing

Wish as I may there was no edit undo-ing

Pieces of my soul left every time

Pieces till this day I’m still trying to find

From henceforth my view of men has never been the same

Cause they think with their dicks and rarely their brains

I expect them to hurt me, so like a snake I strike first

I haven’t decided if that’s a gift or a curse

I still sometimes cringe when I’m in the room with a man

Uncomfortable and awkward like being 5 all over again.

My mind sees sex as a synonym for love

A record I have yet to expunge

For years upon years I remained in reckless relationships

Because the pain felt normal and of functional I am clueless

I barely loved the one who truly loved me

I fell hard for the one who loved she, she, & she

I’ve yearned for the one whose hands congregated around my neck

I’ve cried over the one who made me feel no bigger than a speck

Always finding the time to love someone else

But never smart enough to realize I need to save some of that love for myself

Said yes when I should have said no

Thinking it would make this broken vessel a whole

Hurt some because I believed that eventually

They’d go out of their way to inflict pain on me

And as I’ve searched for the love of a man

I’ve totally lost touch with who I am

I once dreamed of the husband, house, kids, and the fence

All in that order but my realization was this

Life is fucked up and definitely not fair

And damn right my life ain’t been no crystal stair

My view of relationships is warped

I govern only secondarily with my heart

Monogamy

Temporarily

Trusting…unlikely

Concerned…slightly

Jealous…rarely

Doing me…apparently

I feel like I’m a curse to men

Because I seem to always hurt them

Not just because I expect their pain

But because I do things without thinking

And even though I regret the acts

It’s usually too late to take them back.

My grandmother always told me I’m innately a good girl

But I would never be right until I found my true place in the world.

For now, I’m a walking disaster unintentionally

But in the words of my granddad “charge it to my head not my heart and me.”

I think it’s because in order to give love you must first love yourself

A craft I haven’t actually mastered yet.

They say the origin is because my father’s name I never did know

And that obviously, I’d have daddy issues right from go

But I will not sit and pretend as if it was all bad

My grandfather, uncles, and step dad

More than made up for what I never had

Still in the back of my mind the question lurked

Why didn’t my father love me, and that shit hurts.

Now my son finds himself in a similar situation

Realizing you’re unloved is a hell of a revelation

I can’t shield him from the pain that is to follow

Rejection is a hard ass pill to swallow.

Funny how my life mirrors his

Both of us being emotionally fucked up as kids

I haven’t always been the momma I should be

And I blame no one else but me.

Ashamed of the person I’ve become

Can’t even look into the eyes of my own son.

It’s funny how people are quick to judge me

See what they want to see

Don’t know me

Have no idea what it’s like to be she.

Tainted by elements out of my control

But act like they’d know what to do if they had my role

Have you ever come home to no food in your house?

And have four eyes looking at you and you have nothing to put in their mouth

Watching them suffer when you’re doing your best

So if the opportunity for them to have better came wouldn’t you say yes?

But you think it’s because I don’t want the responsibility

When in truth it’s because them I couldn’t clothe or feed

So when you open your mouth to talk about me

Make sure you know the whole story

Before you is an excerpt from the pages of my life

In this chapter much was written about strife

‘Cuz I still visit the place of my imagination from time to time

And deposit inside

The shameful things I try to hide

Hopefully I’m not consumed by pain

Not drowned in the rain

Lost in the flood never to be heard from again

Because I’m a woman of the night

Not the street walking kind but another type

Black girl lost wanting to do what’s right

Trapped in the abyss of darkness desperately searching for the light.

At the Movies 2: Concession Stand

My baby and I are on our regular movie date

As we’re choosing our seats I catch the eye of a honey named Kate

She was this chick I had wanted since freshman year

So imagine my surprise seeing her here

She gave me a smile that lit up the room

I started to speak but I realized it was too soon

My girl was up on me and she would have seen

And that is drama unwanted if you know what I mean.

She was obviously feeling me ‘cause she winked her eye

She got up and mouthed “follow me” as she walked by

The way that her ass looked in those skinny jeans

Would have made any man fall to his knees.

My girl let out a sigh which immediately got my attention

My heart skipped a beat cause I thought she was listening

“What’s wrong?” I asked feigning concern

“Nothing baby” she replied but her head never turned

My girl’s eyes on the main screen were fixed

And to fight the temptation I could no longer resist

I whispered “Baby, I’m hungry. I’ll bring you something to eat.”

She nodded and smiled and without missing a beat

I made my way to the entry way cause I had someone to meet

I nearly stumbled as I finally got to my feet.

Before I hit the corner Kate bumped into me

Our faces were so close I could hear her breathe

She said, “I didn’t think you were coming as long as you made me wait”

I said, “I had to figure out a way to be temporarily excused from my date.”

She wasted no time as she took me by the hand

Led me into a dark cinema and quickly unbuckled my pants

Got on her knees and begin to ingest me slow

First sucking on the tip and then taking in much more

My balls were not neglected as they made her mouth their home

She even continued stroking my dick, so all my mind did was roam.

She sucked on my erection as if she were expecting a treat

She even turned me down when I offered to eat

Once she got me hard again; she had a second dose of my juices

She had no idea of how long I had been waiting to do this.

Then she slid her skinny’s down and straddled me in reverse

She slid on the condom and started to bounce in one motion as if she’d rehearsed

She threw her head back and started to moan which clearly turned me on

I tickled her clit and kissed her neck which made her orgasm strong

I had to put my hand on her mouth to mute her sweet sounds

I can’t say for sure but I swear this one couple whispered “could ya’ll keep it down”

That was a tall order considering I was hard with no cumming in sight

As much as she has sucked and sucked I was in a position to fuck her right

She turned around and straddled me and began to ride me crazy

She mumbled out a couple of words but all I could make out was “baby”

She came at least 4 more times

And that filled me with pride

And even though I was nowhere near cumming I had to stop this ride

My girl was prolly worried sick and this smell I couldn’t hide.

I pretended to cum and she slid off and pull her pants back on

Before I could ask her for her number my escapade was already gone.

I went to concession grabbed some food

And prepared a lame excuse.

Just when I leaned in to apologize for being away so long

She looked at me, kissed my lips, & said “I barely noticed you were gone.”