Broken...

I hate that the reoccuring theme of this seems to be heartache and pain, but my life is what is. I find that no matter where I turn pain seems to follow me. I thought I'd finally gotten a grasp on things, but lo and behold here it comes.

Well, I was heading off to the library, because I mentor and tutor a group of high school boys in conjunction with my organization. I get a text fom that person that makes me smile no matter what. The text read, "When you get a minute I need to talk." I immediate hit him back, and was like "I'm headed to a meeting, but I'll get at you afterwards. But are you alright?" "Yeah, I just need to talk."

Now in all honesty we are just friends, but here's some more honesty I've always felt like at some point we would be together just not now for various reasons. So, I get to the library and to my surprise there were like 8 other tutors there. Now it's usually only me, but with 8 tutors and 10 students I was able to get mine started and step away to make the call. I was rushing because his text troubled me.

When I call him expecting to hear something either traumatic or just weird, here's what I heard "I've been talking to this chick for about month..." At that moment I heard I felt all of my emotions trying to exit my body at one time. I felt my legs weaken beneath me. My heart slowed down to an unnatural pace and my eyes began to burn, but I maintained my outward composure. Only God knows how.

I listened very carefully and I advised him truthfully. I did not once express any ill will and I told him how to fix it. If you've ever been in this predicament then you know how hard this was for me. But I've learned that when you love someone all you want is for them to be happy even if its not with you.

And apparently I'm not that one. I have not eaten or slept since it happened. I have found myself in more physical pain than I care to discuss, but you get the point. I don't understand why, how come, or whatever question I can ask. I have always been there for him through everything. I think this was the last straw. I'm officially broken...I'm done.

How I Met My Husband

I am 5’6, milk chocolate brown, with piercing hazel eyes
I have a slim waist, perky Ds, and nice thick thighs.
An ass as thick as Jiffy cornbread
Succulent lips then confirm that I, in fact, give head
I keep well manicured hands and pedicured toes, no doubt
Perfect for scratching his back and putting them in his mouth
I am always at the spa for a maintenance waxing
Keeping the purring kitty prim and proper for a tongue lashing
As if it weren’t obvious I am full fledged freak
I am down to do it whenever or wherever the spirit moves me.
I’ve given and received head in a glass elevator in the mall
And neither of us stopped even when security was called.
I’ve been bent over a clearance rack in Neiman’s
Eaten out on the counter of a cleaners.
Anally probed in the dressing room at Guess,
Rode a dick at BeBe’s wearing an unpaid for dress.
Before you lay judgment on the sexual activities in my life
I’m just being a loving, dutiful wife
Now, before you call me a liar
Let me tell you how I met my husband almost 3 years prior.
We were at a young professionals luncheon
He sat next to me and we embarked on an interesting conversation
The chemistry was immediate as his words turned me on
And I knew of an escapade it wouldn’t be too long
We individually made our way to a bathroom in the host hotel
However, it was inside where we got to know each other so well.
Our eyes met as we exited our respective restroom doors
It was obvious that we want to see each other more personally than before
We both looked over our shoulders and saw no one was there
So we both entered the ladies room without another care
With one leg on his shoulder and the other on the stall wall
He admired then ate my pussy up without letting one drop fall.
After impressing me with his skill at pussy suction
He pulled out his weapon of mass destruction
It was approximately ten inches of pure caramel perfection
I was amid admiring it when he slid in his thick, hard erection.
I moaned so loud I startled myself
It was good to him too, so he let out a mid toned “yes”
He stroked in and out of my dripping wet walls
And we were so in the groove we started shaking the stalls.
Being who I am I could not just let him run this
So as soon as I got my footing I started grinding my hips
He stood there momentarily motionless as worked my pussy mid air
He then held me into him and started pulling my hair.
“Fuck me!” I moaned realizing he was about to explode
But I unselfishly dropped down and swallowed every drop of his creamy load.
However, I kept sucking him until he was hard again
Then he sat down and I straddled and started riding him.
He pulled my wrap dress open exposing my pink satin bra
Then my pulled my breasts out and started tonguing them raw.
He fingered my clit as I came on his dick continuously
My sexy moaning was arousing him, so pulled out and resumed eating me.
He swallowed my juices and let only a few drops trickle down the side
Then he bent me over slowly slid every inch of him inside.
I twerked my ass and squeezed my pussy walls around his manhood
Had both of us moaning because it felt so good.
His stamina was amazing as we were sexing like crazy
Not for one moment was his stroke, hand or mouth lazy.
He spread my ass cheeks to intensify my orgasm
Not only did I cum, but it gave my pussy uncontrollable spasms
When he finally came he exploded on back
And watched as his cum drizzled down my crack.
Realizing the time we both washed off real quick
And tried to make it back to luncheon, but realized it was missed.
We exchanged numbers not really expecting to do this again.
He walked me to my car and made sure I was safely in
Then he and I parted ways and I figured this was the last of him I’d see
But when I got home the ghost of desire for him was haunting me
I grabbed one of my toys and made my way to shower
And must have masterbated in there for nearly an hour.
But none of it came close to pleasure I felt
I realized I could never get that feeling by myself
I shrugged it off and accepted defeat
And tried to relax by going to sleep
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how he made me moan
Then I somehow ended up grabbing for the phone
To my surprise before I dialed he was already on the line
It wasn’t long before I spoke these words of mine.
“I can’t stop thinking of you, and it’s a quarter to four.”
He said, “Me either, so come open your door.”

A Sneak Peek into my world...

I am probably one of the most complicated people you will ever meet. I am closed off, quiet, reserved, outta control, strange, shy, wild, deviant, hell there's not enough time or paper to fully explain.

I'm not beautiful or perfectly sized, but I usually do pretty well when it comes to meeting guys. The catch is that I meet the ones who are always trying to convert me or change me into what they feel I should be, but I'm not that girl. I have always been different. I think different, I act different, I stand out cerebrally, but I blend in; in person, that's me.

My teachers always used to and some still do tell me that my thought process is nothing like anyone else's. At first that embarrassed me, but later I began to embrace it.

I don't view the common like anyone else. I have a tendency to make the simple complicated, but the complicated is child's play in my world. I'm always looking for more, my appetite is insatiable. I have never truly been happy except being a mother. That is my greatest joy, but it wasn't until a recent string of bad events that I realized how much that meant/means to me.

I have a hard time being completely honest with people because I am unhappy with my current status. Even more so, I fear being judged. I am the first to step up and say that I have been through and seen more stuff in my life than many would believe. But where the problem comes is when I have to discuss what those things in are. I don't want to be judged by anyone else, because I judge myself constantly and trust me I'm the worst.

Originally, I had intended this blog post to be my coming out party of sorts, but I changed by mind, hence the title "sneak peek". I'm insecure about what the future holds for me. I want to do so much, but right now I'm so stagnant. That is slowing killing me. None of the older women in my family have/had gray hair but I saw my first one on Saturday. Figures. I'm always stressed, crying, or depressed. Every time I laugh there's a million more tears in the background.

People tell me that I think and act like a man. I have to admit there's some truth in that, but I hurt like a woman; even though I try to hide it like a man. See the constant anomaly that is me?

I haven't spoken to or seen my mother, father, sister, or brother in over 2 years. They ripped my world apart and broke my heart and no matter how much I try, I don't know that I will ever truly forgive them. I'm a grown woman and I'm still running.

Being alone with my thoughts is pure torture. I crave to have someone who knows the real me and accepts me just as I am, but I fear that will never happen because I'm so ashamed of this person I've become. And sometimes I hurt good people trying to find my way, so I've stopped looking. I settle for what I have, when I need so much more, but I'm the obstacle standing in my own way.

I realized the other day, that I fall for guys whose lives are similar to mine... pure chaos!! Why? Because that's what my life is like so I can focus on making him better and I don't have to deal with my own shit. Also, that's who I feel most comfortable with because they can't/won't judge me because they're focused on getting their lives in order. Guys who have their business in order intimidate me because I feel I have nothing to bring to the table. And I am right, I'm not who I need to be, I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I want to be a compliment not an insult.

In Mary J's words "if you look through my eyes and see what I see..."