So Sick of Love Songs

I'm sitting in darkness in my sorority sister's townhome listening to So Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild. As the melodic harmony and rhythmic beat washes over me, I feel some kind of way. His lyrics are inspiring and alas I long for someone to say those words to me and mean it. Yet the someone who says it, doesn't make my heart race or force the corners of my eyes to tighten as a smile washes across my lips. So is wishing for "someone" to say it the incorrect way to go about this? Should I wish for the right one to say it to me? Or is the one saying it to me the right one and I'm so preoccupied by the someone else I'm missing the point?

Now as Raheem's voice emerges from her speakers he says, "should you feel thirsty I'll be sure to bring you water...when hearts beat as one, no ordinary love for you and I now close your eyes and picture us breathing life into love." My imagination races to the first time "he" touched me, not sexual just the first time we made skin to skin contact. It was at that moment my heart exited my chest and dropped into his hands. All logic of what should or should not be left. Never had I ever felt this way about anyone, and I have loved, been loved, and been in love but none of them had managed to make me feel this way even at the peak of our love affair. And he was just my friend.

"...Never dug anyone like this, never had tasty lips to kiss, never missed anyone like this, never wrote a song quite like this..." Damn you Maxwell, I probably couldn't have verbalized this any better. The only thing is while he's fortunate to have his baby, I've never been given the privilege. So where he blesses the day he found her, I curse the day, because no one should ever fall this hard for anyone only to never have it materialize. And the music fades out the tears well up, but the song ends just before they can fully mature.

R. Kelly and Kerri Hilson, Number 1 Sex...hmmm. Well, since we're being honest. I can't say that the first time we had sex was amazing or that I saw stars, because I didn't. With him, and him only I was absolutely terrified. I felt so unlike myself. I couldn't function, I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't express that performing was not possible. It wasn't until I reflected on it that I realized how hard it is to give yourself to someone physically and walk away. Yet, I know that should I be favored with a second chance, this is the song I want to exemplify how it plays out.

"I can't control the feelings, because I know you're here/ I feel you from the floor to the ceiling I feel you when you comb your hair...you're my bad habit...You got me so sick with this love, I'm so in love I can't come down...you're my bad habit...I gotta break from you...I can't control the feeling..." I want to, but I don't know how or do I really want to?

*interlude as I head down stairs to pour myself a glass of Moscato, hell let's just bring the whole bottle, I think I'll need it by the time I reach the end.*

Well, now that I've had 2 glasses I think I'm capable of continuing. It's raining here and while I normally enjoy the rain, I wish he were here to hold me because I can't think of a sexier scene then me in his arms nodding in and out of restful sleep or making love with the blinds open and the rain as our back drop. This unfulfilled desire has caused me to detest the rain, then Raindrops by Jeremih comes on.

J. Holiday enters the room "turn up the radio so you can yell as loud as you want..." Ha I'm a screamer, there's no shame in that, but now all I can think about is me and him making that sound. Ugh!! Now Jamie wants to remind me about liking it Slow. Lawd knows I need some sexual attention of epic proportions because even when I'm getting great sex, it's his hands, his eyes, his lips I visualize. Again I don't know why because he was not my best nor was I his but my heart and head won't let go of him. Maybe they realize the great potential that went unrealized or maybe that's the way love goes.

As if I'm not in a self inflicted hell already, here comes Floetry. "There is only one for me/You have made that a possibility/We can take that step to see/If this is really gonna be/All you gotta do is say yes...Loving you has taken time/But I always known it could be..." I hate feeling this way, why can't I fall for the one who loves me as poetically as I love him? I am betrayed by my heart, and here comes those pesky tears, again. I refuse to let them fall; he doesn't deserve them. He already has every ounce of me, I have to keep something for myself even if it is only tears.

Maybe I Deserve, to feel this pain because of every heart I've ever broken or every person who has ever loved me that I didn't love back. Maybe this is my fate, to love someone so hard so much and live with them loving someone else. I have never felt a pain like this not even in childbirth. I'd gladly go back to that moment if it meant I'd never have to feel like this again.

And just like that, the one thing I wanted to keep for myself cave in for him...just like me. I've never been so powerless over my own will. Why is it that when all I want is the dream Rueben sold me when he sang "Together" all I get is Heather Headley, because I wish I wasn't, Brandy's Brokenhearted, and Vivian's Emotional Rollercoaster, which are all killing me softly.

Mental Penetration

I could write about sex, but that would be too easy,
Plus it takes more than a dick and a tongue to please me.
I want mental penetration and I don’t mean being played,
I mean getting in side of my head; making it impossible to stray.
So even when you’re not physically here
Your face on his body comes in crystal clear.
Now I will explain what I need you to do,
To brainwash me to be only complete with you
Here’s a secret no amount of money could’ve bought.
Get inside my head, and my every thought,
I will break this down as plain as I can,
The truth of how to be solidified as the man.
Start with my curiosity; my interest must be peaked
Like kissing my lips long, sensual, and deep.
Tell me all of your secrets, while you hold me close,
Like gently nibbling on my ear, which turns me on the most.
Graze your lips across my neck, as you push aside my hair.
Like showing me random acts of kindness that remind me how much you care.
Spend time getting to know me, if I’m a right brainer or left
Pretend it’s you caressing and sucking on my 2 voluptuous breasts.
Ensure me that from my pasts hurts I undoubtedly have protection,
Like placing trails of kisses on my flaws and imperfections.
Remind me that regardless of my mistakes your feelings for me remain unchanged
Like twirling your tongue inside my navel and not feeling ashamed.
If you stick your tongue deep into the sweetness of my brain,
Don’t be surprised if my emotions overflow and cum down like pouring rain.
Now spread my thoughts like 2 thick thighs I reluctantly spread apart,
Let me know that each one matters, and soon you’ll have my heart.
Now enter my essence like a tight wet slit that gets wetter with every stroke,
Assure me that your love for me is definitely no joke.
Finally, put me in your favorite position, just the way you like
Which is just like pulling me close to you and asking me to be your wife.

Update

As a follow up to the previous blog. I'm still no better. But I'm clear on what I need to do. I need to let go and move on, I mean not everyone ends up with their soulmate living in total happiness right? CORRECT!!

I'm just relocating to the nearest bottle for the time being. I'm going to work and just live and eventually one day I'll wake up and this will all be a faded memory or at least a blur.

I can fill my bed with a different person each night if I want or I can just find that one consistent lay who allows me to call upon his services whenever I so choose. Yeah, I think that sounds more my speed. As long as he doesn't go catching feelings I think we'll be alright, because the moment he says "I feel or my feelings" he's gone faster than Usain Bolt running the 100.

As for my other behaviors, ah that's yet to reveal itself. I told someone "I'm not in a good place right now nor do I intend to be anytime soon." Shortly after saying that I realized I haven't been in a good place in a long time, and that's how I ended up right where I am now. Trying to get out of a bad place into a good one led me to a worse place.

You know you're in a bad place when you're always a whisper from crying or a steak away from slitting your wrists. And when your only way to sleep is to hopefully pass out in a semi drunken haze you're probably in a bad place. Yet people keep coming to me for help or advice. Can't you see my life is already fucked up? Maybe I hide it so well that the only people who know the truth are reading this blog.

How do you know you're in a worse place? When you come to realization that the last time you laughed, or smiled and meant it was when you were with them and now they're with someone else.

Damn

Broken...

I hate that the reoccuring theme of this seems to be heartache and pain, but my life is what is. I find that no matter where I turn pain seems to follow me. I thought I'd finally gotten a grasp on things, but lo and behold here it comes.

Well, I was heading off to the library, because I mentor and tutor a group of high school boys in conjunction with my organization. I get a text fom that person that makes me smile no matter what. The text read, "When you get a minute I need to talk." I immediate hit him back, and was like "I'm headed to a meeting, but I'll get at you afterwards. But are you alright?" "Yeah, I just need to talk."

Now in all honesty we are just friends, but here's some more honesty I've always felt like at some point we would be together just not now for various reasons. So, I get to the library and to my surprise there were like 8 other tutors there. Now it's usually only me, but with 8 tutors and 10 students I was able to get mine started and step away to make the call. I was rushing because his text troubled me.

When I call him expecting to hear something either traumatic or just weird, here's what I heard "I've been talking to this chick for about month..." At that moment I heard I felt all of my emotions trying to exit my body at one time. I felt my legs weaken beneath me. My heart slowed down to an unnatural pace and my eyes began to burn, but I maintained my outward composure. Only God knows how.

I listened very carefully and I advised him truthfully. I did not once express any ill will and I told him how to fix it. If you've ever been in this predicament then you know how hard this was for me. But I've learned that when you love someone all you want is for them to be happy even if its not with you.

And apparently I'm not that one. I have not eaten or slept since it happened. I have found myself in more physical pain than I care to discuss, but you get the point. I don't understand why, how come, or whatever question I can ask. I have always been there for him through everything. I think this was the last straw. I'm officially broken...I'm done.

How I Met My Husband

I am 5’6, milk chocolate brown, with piercing hazel eyes
I have a slim waist, perky Ds, and nice thick thighs.
An ass as thick as Jiffy cornbread
Succulent lips then confirm that I, in fact, give head
I keep well manicured hands and pedicured toes, no doubt
Perfect for scratching his back and putting them in his mouth
I am always at the spa for a maintenance waxing
Keeping the purring kitty prim and proper for a tongue lashing
As if it weren’t obvious I am full fledged freak
I am down to do it whenever or wherever the spirit moves me.
I’ve given and received head in a glass elevator in the mall
And neither of us stopped even when security was called.
I’ve been bent over a clearance rack in Neiman’s
Eaten out on the counter of a cleaners.
Anally probed in the dressing room at Guess,
Rode a dick at BeBe’s wearing an unpaid for dress.
Before you lay judgment on the sexual activities in my life
I’m just being a loving, dutiful wife
Now, before you call me a liar
Let me tell you how I met my husband almost 3 years prior.
We were at a young professionals luncheon
He sat next to me and we embarked on an interesting conversation
The chemistry was immediate as his words turned me on
And I knew of an escapade it wouldn’t be too long
We individually made our way to a bathroom in the host hotel
However, it was inside where we got to know each other so well.
Our eyes met as we exited our respective restroom doors
It was obvious that we want to see each other more personally than before
We both looked over our shoulders and saw no one was there
So we both entered the ladies room without another care
With one leg on his shoulder and the other on the stall wall
He admired then ate my pussy up without letting one drop fall.
After impressing me with his skill at pussy suction
He pulled out his weapon of mass destruction
It was approximately ten inches of pure caramel perfection
I was amid admiring it when he slid in his thick, hard erection.
I moaned so loud I startled myself
It was good to him too, so he let out a mid toned “yes”
He stroked in and out of my dripping wet walls
And we were so in the groove we started shaking the stalls.
Being who I am I could not just let him run this
So as soon as I got my footing I started grinding my hips
He stood there momentarily motionless as worked my pussy mid air
He then held me into him and started pulling my hair.
“Fuck me!” I moaned realizing he was about to explode
But I unselfishly dropped down and swallowed every drop of his creamy load.
However, I kept sucking him until he was hard again
Then he sat down and I straddled and started riding him.
He pulled my wrap dress open exposing my pink satin bra
Then my pulled my breasts out and started tonguing them raw.
He fingered my clit as I came on his dick continuously
My sexy moaning was arousing him, so pulled out and resumed eating me.
He swallowed my juices and let only a few drops trickle down the side
Then he bent me over slowly slid every inch of him inside.
I twerked my ass and squeezed my pussy walls around his manhood
Had both of us moaning because it felt so good.
His stamina was amazing as we were sexing like crazy
Not for one moment was his stroke, hand or mouth lazy.
He spread my ass cheeks to intensify my orgasm
Not only did I cum, but it gave my pussy uncontrollable spasms
When he finally came he exploded on back
And watched as his cum drizzled down my crack.
Realizing the time we both washed off real quick
And tried to make it back to luncheon, but realized it was missed.
We exchanged numbers not really expecting to do this again.
He walked me to my car and made sure I was safely in
Then he and I parted ways and I figured this was the last of him I’d see
But when I got home the ghost of desire for him was haunting me
I grabbed one of my toys and made my way to shower
And must have masterbated in there for nearly an hour.
But none of it came close to pleasure I felt
I realized I could never get that feeling by myself
I shrugged it off and accepted defeat
And tried to relax by going to sleep
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how he made me moan
Then I somehow ended up grabbing for the phone
To my surprise before I dialed he was already on the line
It wasn’t long before I spoke these words of mine.
“I can’t stop thinking of you, and it’s a quarter to four.”
He said, “Me either, so come open your door.”

A Sneak Peek into my world...

I am probably one of the most complicated people you will ever meet. I am closed off, quiet, reserved, outta control, strange, shy, wild, deviant, hell there's not enough time or paper to fully explain.

I'm not beautiful or perfectly sized, but I usually do pretty well when it comes to meeting guys. The catch is that I meet the ones who are always trying to convert me or change me into what they feel I should be, but I'm not that girl. I have always been different. I think different, I act different, I stand out cerebrally, but I blend in; in person, that's me.

My teachers always used to and some still do tell me that my thought process is nothing like anyone else's. At first that embarrassed me, but later I began to embrace it.

I don't view the common like anyone else. I have a tendency to make the simple complicated, but the complicated is child's play in my world. I'm always looking for more, my appetite is insatiable. I have never truly been happy except being a mother. That is my greatest joy, but it wasn't until a recent string of bad events that I realized how much that meant/means to me.

I have a hard time being completely honest with people because I am unhappy with my current status. Even more so, I fear being judged. I am the first to step up and say that I have been through and seen more stuff in my life than many would believe. But where the problem comes is when I have to discuss what those things in are. I don't want to be judged by anyone else, because I judge myself constantly and trust me I'm the worst.

Originally, I had intended this blog post to be my coming out party of sorts, but I changed by mind, hence the title "sneak peek". I'm insecure about what the future holds for me. I want to do so much, but right now I'm so stagnant. That is slowing killing me. None of the older women in my family have/had gray hair but I saw my first one on Saturday. Figures. I'm always stressed, crying, or depressed. Every time I laugh there's a million more tears in the background.

People tell me that I think and act like a man. I have to admit there's some truth in that, but I hurt like a woman; even though I try to hide it like a man. See the constant anomaly that is me?

I haven't spoken to or seen my mother, father, sister, or brother in over 2 years. They ripped my world apart and broke my heart and no matter how much I try, I don't know that I will ever truly forgive them. I'm a grown woman and I'm still running.

Being alone with my thoughts is pure torture. I crave to have someone who knows the real me and accepts me just as I am, but I fear that will never happen because I'm so ashamed of this person I've become. And sometimes I hurt good people trying to find my way, so I've stopped looking. I settle for what I have, when I need so much more, but I'm the obstacle standing in my own way.

I realized the other day, that I fall for guys whose lives are similar to mine... pure chaos!! Why? Because that's what my life is like so I can focus on making him better and I don't have to deal with my own shit. Also, that's who I feel most comfortable with because they can't/won't judge me because they're focused on getting their lives in order. Guys who have their business in order intimidate me because I feel I have nothing to bring to the table. And I am right, I'm not who I need to be, I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I want to be a compliment not an insult.

In Mary J's words "if you look through my eyes and see what I see..."

Questioning Love

Why do we fall in love with someone, but can never find the words to tell them?
Why does it seem like when the words appear our voice disappears?
Why do we obsess over whether or not they feel the same way?
Why do we feel like no one can ever love us because of the past that precedes us?
Is it because of the baggage that comes with us?
Or because of the scars that have yet to heal?
Why do we believe that love is a hallucination created by mankind to act as a social control?
Why do we feel like the more we look for love the less likely we are to find it?
Why does being loved by the wrong one satisfy us?
Is it because we don’t think there is a right one?
Do we fear being alone?
Is that why we settle for the one who loves us?
Because the one we love doesn’t love us back?
Is that fair to the one who loves us?
How about to us?
What about to the one who we will love and who will love us back?
Why should he/she be forced to live a life of partial fulfillment because we decided to settle?
Why are some of us destined to be alone?
Why does it always seem like Mr. - Ms Wrong are the ones who approach and bedazzle us while their counters are in the background waiting for us to see them?
Why do we beat ourselves up over the one who leaves us, but are never grateful for the one who finds us?
Is that fair?
Is such the circle of life…or love?
Why is falling in love so amazing?
But falling out of love so devastating?
Why do our gestures of love go unnoticed?
Why is it so hard to tell each other how we feel?
Why don’t we walk away when we know it’s not gonna work?
Why does goodbye have to equal failure?
Why doesn’t our soul mate come with sign?
Why do we accept sacrificing our hearts so our pride can remain intact?
Why do we let distance determine our fate?
Why do we feel our lives must be perfect before we commit?
Why must we taste every apple on the tree before deciding we prefer oranges?
Why do we dismiss the person who best suits us because we’re not ready?
Why aren’t we willing to work on ourselves while we grow with them?
Why no matter how matter how many questions I ask; no one will have the answers?