The Realization

The time was 11:37 pm EST. The date was July 28th 2009. My body tensed, my eyes burned, I lay there still and motionless. All of a sudden, a flood of emotions engulfed me. At first, I didn't know whether I was going to laugh or cry; gag or vomit; seize or collapse. I was perfectly motionless. Then a loud SNAP!!! I felt paralyzed. In a flash each and every moment of my life appeared before my eyes like a live action movie...all the laughter, every tear, every hug, every highlight, and every disappointment. It was in this moment, it became clear I was going to die.

Still involuntarily motionless, all I could manage was the solemn flow of tears I could not restrain. I saw everything I had done, and everything I had ever wanted to do. I watched my children be born, graduate, and marry. I watched as my closest friends achieved every ounce of happiness each one of them deserves. In that moment, I knew it was almost over, because my body became hotter in some areas and colder in others. But I was still motionless. Then I saw him.

His eyes pierced through my soul, and I realized I was in hell. Damned to an eternity of longing for him and never being able to have him. I tried to close my eyes to ease the pain of his piercing gaze, but to no avail. I tried to lift my arms to cover my eyes or maybe to reach for him, but like a ton of bricks I couldn't lift them.

I wanted to scream, but my voice had escaped me. However the salty tears that had been falling made their way to my tongue, but the taste was unfamiliar. I tried to spit them back, but they fell into my mouth more rapidly and the horrific taste began to nauseate me. Instantaneously, I realized it was blood, but why would blood be falling from my eyes? I couldn't fathom an answer. Immediately the pain started. It was unbearable. Every inch of my body ached, there are no words for the turmoil I found myself emerged in. The best I can describe to you is that...I felt like each one of my limbs was being ripped off of my body.

He was still staring at me, with no pity, no sympathy, but smugness. He didn't care how much pain I was in. It seemed as though he rather enjoyed watching me suffer. Yes, I was suffering. I just wanted to be taken out of my misery. Could I just die already? My eyes begged for mercy, begged for death, begged for him to just go away all to no avail.

Once I had come to terms with the pain and had began to mentally accept my fate, he moved closer to me. A sympathetic look on his face. Had I finally suffered enough for him? Was he going to give me the death I had so long desired? Now his face was only inches from mine and I could feel the coolness of his breath on my skin, and in that moment all the pain ceased. Had I finally crossed over to the other side? He ran his hand gently across my face, down to my neck, and along my torso. My heart was racing.

He instinctively laid his head on my chest and intently listened to the sound of my heart beat. He touched his own chest and realized his heartbeat and mine were synchronized. (I had always thought in death the heart ceased to beat, but seeing as how I am no expert on dying being wrong was not impossible.) He held me closer and listened to the sound of my heart and smiled. For the first time he spoke,"your heart sings my name." I smiled because I knew it was true. The first time he had held me in his arms my heart had changed rhythms. I had realized it right away, but had never seen the point in mentioning it. We both lay there in silence. He listening to the song in my heart, and I stroking the back of his head; both of us at absolute peace.

Then I heard a voice. It was one I had heard before. I looked around but I saw no one. I felt his body tense, and I tried to console him with my hands and eyes, but he pulled away from me. I lay there confused, and his body stiffened again. I began to feel twinges of pain again; nothing major more along the lines of discomfort. No big deal considering what I had already endured. The voice spoke again, but the words were undecipherable for me. He stared at me for one long moment, as if pre-apologizing for what he was about to do. I stiffened my body in defense then he placed his lips on mine rendering me totally helpless.

In a time frame too fast to be interpreted in words, he reached his hands through my body. The pain was inexplicable. I screamed one of the most blood curdling screams anyone could imagine. Then, just like that he was gone.

No longer immobile, I lay there waiting to breathe my last breath, I decide to assess the damage. I reluctantly reach inside of the gaping hole in my chest only to find that it was gone!! Yet somehow I was still alive!? Although with the pain I was in, death would have been a welcome visitor. I examined the ground and saw mangled pieces of my heart. While he had left with the majority of it; he left behind traces of what had happened here. It was in this instance I realized, that my heart was broken.

The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

Why Him?

Why am I sitting here thinking of him?
Why does my heart ignore my head and let him in?
Why can't I heed the warnings previously set?
Why did I fall instantaneously the moment our eyes officially met?
Why do I let him drive me crazy, when I should care less?
Why does my heart chase after him, removing my bulletproof vest?
Why does every scenario begin and end with him?
Why do I never tell him and when we talk I keep pretending?
Why do I know it would never work, but my heart protests this fact?
Why does my head and heart constantly fight about all the qualities he lacks?
Why does an empty inbox fill me with discontent?
Why does the thought of being without him seem like a fellowless firmament?
Why does his kisses linger when he's not there?
Why do I wake up reminiscing about his hands stroking my hair?
Why do all these random things remind me of him?
Why after hearing his voice my day can finally begin?
Why with every move I make, I subconsciously think of him?
Why in every fleeting moment I'm imagining being in his arms again?
Why can't anyone make me feel like you do?
Why when the contenders are way better does my heart call out for you?
Why do I feel like he's captured a part of my soul?
Why compared to him no candle any man can hold?
Why are you so distant and can never expose how you feel?
Why am I so stubborn and I keep my distance still?
Why do I want to tell him everything about me, he's always wanted to know?
Why don't I tell him is because I fear he will let me go.
Why does the thought of being without him fill me with such fear?
Why does this even matter when he's not even here?
Why when someone mentions his name, I can't help but to blush?
Why when I get his text I feel such a rush?
Why when I don't hear from him I suddenly feel lost?
Why the moment I get his text or call; I'm back to being a boss?
Why do I feel I have to be there for him when he can take care of himself?
Why do I put him before me and everybody else?
Why did we ever meet if we're destined to be apart?
Why no matter how much my head argues this, I've still surrendered to you my heart?


The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

Does it exist?

I'm knee deep in the "Twilight" series, and it got me wondering...does a love like Bella and Edward's really exist? Are there two people in this universe who meet and time stops, and regardless of circumstances, situation, or flaws they are so drawn to each other one cannot imagine existing without the other?

In reading this first book I'm inclined to wonder will I ever feel this way or has anyone ever felt this way about me? Loving me so absolutely that I am his life or he is mine. That I would love him above and beyond all understanding. That no level of warning or fear for my own life could keep me away from him, and he with every fiber of his being will give his very own life for me should the circumstance arise. Love that looks beyond secrets, lies, flaws, and imperfections. Knowing that any and everything I've ever done wrong in the past is now forgiven, righted and wiped clean from my slate.

The kind that makes him always wonder where I am and makes me always wanna be where he is. The kind so strong even his family embraces me fully so as to ensure his happiness for they do not want to have to look into his eyes if I am no longer in his life. The kind of love that makes every other beautiful woman pale in comparison to me, and no man holds a candle to him. Trust me, I want it to be reciprocal.

The kind of love that makes me feel as though a part of me is missing when he's gone and I only feel whole when his arms are wrapped securely around me and I can feel his breath on my neck. The kind of love where his eyes hypnotize me, his touch sets my body and soul on fire, and his kisses nearly bring me to my knees. I want it. Where no matter what I feel I can tell him without fear of judgment or reproach and he can do the same. Where his love for me is obvious to every person within 100 miles of us. The type of person who giving birth to each of his children would be my honor and gift to him while I make no concern with my health.

The kind of love where his essence and mine are unified no matter how far apart we are. Love without question, fear, or doubt. Timeless, ageless, and unconditional love. The love of fairy tales and fables; of love stories and tragedies; of real life with a hint of romanticism. The kind that my children's children's children's children will be talking about for eternity. The kind that inspires people to be in love. The love that comes with absolute certainty and commitment that I am his and he is mine. The kind I do not have to guess or wonder about, because he is confident enough to keep me in the know and share his feelings every day not because I want him to, but because he cannot contain it. I want to compose lyric after lyric about him and it flow so freely from my fingertips it seems as if it were written a thousand times before. I want a love like Bella and Edward's, but I have to wonder...does it exist?

Honesty

I don't know how to be honest anymore. More because I'm so disappointed at where I am and how far I have not made it. I don't love myself and I barely like myself. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or who I'm supposed to be doing it with. I keep myself very closed off because I feel that everyone is out to get me and even more because I'm embarrassed with who I've become. I know there's a good person deep down inside, but I don't know where she is all the time. I can tell you these things with absolute certainty...I AM UNHAPPY!! I don't know the last time I felt pure joy and peace. I don't know the last time I smiled and it wasn't followed by tears of hurt or disappointment. It's funny how I've been given a gift to help others, but no one with the gift to help me has surfaced in my life. I don't know how to overcome this or get to a better place, all I know is that I don't wanna be like this anymore. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to love, and I want to give myself openly and honestly; but first I must figure out how to love me and accept me flaws and all. It's funny how I can always see the good in people, but never in myself. I want to start over, but I don't think I can handle the truth of who I am, I don't know if I can continue to live like this; I know I don't want to, but it seems I have no options other than death.

Circles

I sit back and sometimes wonder "why"? Why do I continually find myself back in square 1? What have I done or what choices have I made that force me to travel in circles? Big ones, small ones,figure 8s; doesn't matter. They just lead me back to the same place. Just when it seems ground is being covered or progress is being made; I end up right back here, wondering "why or how come?" or better yet..."here again?" Now I realize in life we have lessons to learn, lessons to teach, assignments to carry out & failures to overcome, but damn what am I missing that keeps leading me back here?

What road along the way did I miss, what person(s) didn't I see, what task did I leave incomplete? I'm clearly missing something, but what? I try to be the best I can be, but why? I mean no one ever notices. On this path, this constant circle, I run into the same nemesis "my wrongs from the past; the mistakes I feel that I pay penance for daily. The regrets that haunt my day and night dreams. The tears behind every smile; the sadness that lingers through every good day." I question myself constantly about the what ifs or coulda, shoulda, wouldas. I don't get why all pleasure is followed by pain. Why all laughter is intertwined with tears. This circle makes it so hard to forget or be forgiven. I run into the same brick walls that seem to appear out of thin air. If God forgives us; why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves or others to forgive us?

When I forgive I do so without looking back; why am I not afforded the same courtesy? I seek a place where forgiveness is freely given and I get a 2nd chance to live down all of my past wrongs without them being revisited constantly so my broken spirit can heal. "Open wounds don't heal," is what I've always been told. Well, logically speaking neither does re-opened ones don't either...correct? This circular path is destructive as it is destroying my spirit, my heart, soul, and physical body. And along the way; who am I destroying or discouraging? Every time I hurt them they say "you again?" and when I say "oh this is the last time" (and in my heart I believe it is) they chuckle sadistically and say, "just like clock work you'll be back." I spend hours trying to ensure them that they are mistaken, but to no avail. So this time when I arrive they say "right on time, I told you you'd be back."

I scratch my head baffled at my unintended return re-tracing in my head every step I took that was different from the time before and try to make sense of how I still ended up back here. Then in the back of my mind I hear a voice that whispers, "no worries child, you still have a purpose here, and your way of escape is coming." Not fully reassured by this I nevertheless proceed forward and even those things look different they feel the same. I see a new path off the beaten trail and I attempt to take it, but a huge gust of wind blows me back. I try to push through, but the path was gone. So I reluctantly continue on where I left off. I hope I'm not an Israelite and my "promised land" is still mine by the time I figure all of this out.

Blowing his head up...

I'm sitting here baffled more at myself than anyone else. How in the hell did I let it happen? I'm so frustrated, maybe if I tell my story I'll be able to figure out the answer myself.

So I meet this man on a random website. After numerous private conversations we exchange numbers. Between talking and texting the relationship goes from pure friendship to some weird ass location. I find myself thinking about him more than normal and in ways uncommon to me. Unfamiliar territory a place I thought we both were. To my surprise he was no where near there. He was somewhere else; with a whole lot of someone elses. (is that even a word) Anyway, over time women have been putting him on a pedastal telling him how attractive/doable he is. Which is true I must admit, but when we initially began chatting he was flying under the radar at least semi. I liked that, personally I prefer a man who's under the radar, less competition means less drama. I hate drama. As time progressed and feelings began to develop I found myself wondering, wow have I met the "one"? But we continued to take it slowly, but I, trying this vulnerability thing decided to let him know how I felt. Expressing that I did NOT want a relationship but I was really feeling him. Mind you this is not my typical behavior, but when it happened I feel like the drift apart began. So I blame myself in part. Anyway, He said he cared for me too but somehow I just felt different, but it was around this time that all of the ladies began to openly express their feelings towards him. I just sat back and observed, noticing that many of them meant it; it hurt me. But I maintained my silence. I fell back in every way. As I faded to the background, I watched as these others headed to the forefront. I was hurt, I confided in my best friend and she said "don't sweat him, find someone else." I knew she was right, but I had real feelings and I had made myself vulnerable so now it was hard. You know I was so honest with him about things and I wish I wouldn't have been, because now I feel stupid. But my friend also said, "the one who's there in the beginning always gets left behind. But you will be the one he misses when the fakeness is revealed, but he will have missed out on a good thing." While that made me feel better, I was still hurt, because I gave up a brick or two off my wall to get to know him, but in time all things heal. Now he does occassionally hit me up, but I'm about to cut that off. It's just hard because he used to make my heart smile. Why do I fall for such loser? I hope that each one of those chicks he put me on the back burner for does him so dirty and when he comes back, because he will; I'm happily involved.

Your word...

I made a deal with a friend that if I did something for him then in turn he would do something for me. When it was time for me to do my favor I did it. When it was time for him to keep his end of the bargain; he flaked. Now there were a series of things he was supposed to do, but when he didn't do the first things I asked I was like fuck it on the rest. Don't give me your word, then back out. I'm good on that. So with that in mind I'm good on them too. I have never flaked on them for anything ever, but the one time I ask you for something you can't deliver, and you make excuses. Excuses are...(for those who know) I'm so disappointed in them, but they will never know, because I will never say anything about it. In fact, I don't have anything to say to them. There is no excuse they can give me because I gave them 12 hours to get it done. Hell if they had done it by this morning I wouldn't have been as upset as I am now. I've just learned that people's word is not always good. I could use this as an excuse not to trust anyone, but I will not. I just know to expect the worst, but realize that it won't always be like that. This person has helped me grow so much that I will never hate them, but I know now that our friendship has run its course.