Have you ever felt the increasing desire to erase your existence from this earth? Periodically, those feelings come crashing into me. I wonder what would the people I care about lives be like if I never were. I also wonder if it would be better if I just chose not to exist now. To just wake up one morning, get in my car and drive. Not telling a soul where I am not even knowing where I am going. But the thought of being so alone with my thoughts terrifies me so much more. I mean I look at the pages of my life's book and I see good, great, but right now I seem to be engulfed in the painful. Imagine that for the last 34 months I have been miserable. The minimal amounts of happiness I've felt seems to cause triple the pain. I've felt no joy, no peace, for if its not one thing, it's another.
For starters why can't I love the person who loves me the way he deserves to be love? Why can't I be for him what he needs? I mean he loves the hell outta me, but I keep hurting him over and over. I need to just leave so he can find the right person, but I don't want to be without that kind of love, but its not fair to him. I want to be everything for him, but I for some reason don't know how to be.
Being a parent was the only thing keeping me sane, but now that they're not here anymore, I have lost all sanity. I am angry and sad all the time. Please don't underestimate ALL. I don't have good days, I have good hours or moments. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.
I'm losing at this life thing and I don't know how to turn it around.