Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Love Letter I will Never Send...
I love you. Not that fly by night kiss on the forehead love you see in television movies. The kind where we've been married for 50years; we have 6 children 35 grand children and countless great grand children and people speak of our love as something to aspire too. I never fully understood love until I met you and trust me I have been studying.
My love for you came out of nowhere.
I wasn't trying to love you. In fact, I was trying to love someone else.
But you were the friend I never knew I needed and that was good enough for me. I never had to change who I was/am for you. I could just be and that was good enough for you. You were so strong willed just like me, but yielding my will to yours was so easy for me because you never made me feel weak. Submitting to you seems oddly natural and now I understand what is meant by the phrase “you will know it when you feel it.” And I knew it when I felt you.
Then you kissed me.
You see, I hate kissing because I think people abuse it. Kissing should be reserved for someone who means something to you. And since night you kissed me I was never the same. I cried myself to sleep after you left, because my greatest fear was realized. You were more than my friend and now losing you was a liability. As cinematic as this sounds you kissing me was like watching my life play, but not the past the future.
You are everything I ever wanted but thought I could never have. So I decided to deny how I felt because I needed my friend. I was afraid that if more happened and it didn't work out, I would lose both and it would destroy me. But keeping it hidden is doing the same thing...destroying me.
I came home and tried with all my might to love the man who loves me, but I couldn't. I was only giving him what was left of me because you have the best of me.
Ever since we touched I have not been the same. No one has before or since made me feel the way you did and that's simply referring to you looking at me.
You see me. I don’t believe anyone has ever seen me. Even the one who loves me doesn’t see me. He never has.
You are perfect in all your craziness. There is nothing about you that I don't love. There is nothing about you that I would change except you not being mine. I don't judge you; I only love you...as you are. People who say love is blind are liars. Love is the ability to see the imperfect as perfect and watch as the two incomplete halves mesh and become a perfect whole. I have 20/20 when it comes to you and that only makes me love you more.
There is no distance that separates us in my heart. We are one in the same, and as much as I try to deny it, I can't. You are my match; my soul mate; my mental and physical equal. I only pray that I am yours. I try diligently to walk away from you and love he who loves me, but I can't stop loving you.
My days are not complete without you and my eyes don't close without thoughts of you first. You have become a part of me all the way to my core. Every morning I awake to visions of your face. At night, I fall asleep pretending to be engulfed in your embrace. You are the only person who can make my heart glad and break it at the same time. I don’t understand the power you have over me. The sun never shines in my world if I’m not with you, so it would seem my whole life has been an overcast.
I can't shake you. You say I always talk about replacing you, and it’s just that...talk. I only say it because it hurts so much to be in love with you and you're not in love with me. My dream is to bring you joy from the first light until my eternal last light. And even then if I could send an angel to protect you it would be done, and I would beg God to let she be me.
I know I am a writer and I should be able to be more poetic, but I can't. You're the only person who makes me lose my words, but here is my heart. I hope it will suffice. I am in love with you...of this I have no doubt.
My friend told me that in order to get over you I needed to first tell you how I feel. But in writing this I realize that I will never be over you.
I may move on, but you will always have my heart. I lost it the first time we met and I haven't been able to get it back since...