Also, I need to atone for the things I have done. After that time in my life, I was never the same. I evolved into someone else. I'm not making excuses I'm just coming face to face with everything. I was never a "bad" person but I have done some "bad" shit. I made some bad choices and I hurt some good people. But understand this; when your world is governed by pain and you feel like the universe places hurt on your front door every chance she gets; 9 times outta 10 guess what you're going to put out?
If this is your first read, welcome, but I think you should go back and read parts 1-3.4 (April 2010) before reading this so you can understand it more clearly. Also, before you go on realize the dark cynicism is just who I am. If that's not you >>insert Kanye shrug here<<
After all that shit happened I ended up dropping out of college and going home. In retrospect, I realize I was running away from what I didn't know how to deal with. A trait I have yet to overcome. I still don't know how to not run.
I didn't date anyone, I went through a depression, I got a job and I formed friendships. Just as I was starting to feel like I was getting better Frat boy decided to come to my parents house with his new girlfriend "cause he needed to see me"
Are you fucking serious right now?
Fortunately, I was not at home. I was at work, so he made his way there. Apparently for once fate was on my side, by the time he arrived I had already left from my shift so he missed me again and his girl had to get back to school which was a 3 hour drive so he couldn't double back.
Somehow I know she probably got the shit kicked out of her when they got back to school. He wasn't good with taking "no" for an answer.
Well at least it wasn't me.
Did I mention that his girlfriend was white? I know that race shouldn't have mattered, but it did. I mean who goes to an HBCU and finds a white girl...seriously? And she was fat...da fuck?
During this time, Frat boy still called me and I took most of his calls. He would spend the 1st hour of the call blaming me for everything and telling me no one was ever gonna love me, the 2nd hour asking me for relationship advice, and the 3rd hour flirting or professing his love for me. This was always the cycle. I can say this, he was consistent. In spite of everything, I still felt something for him. Fear, contempt, sympathy...something. After every call he had managed to make me feel like shit.
I used to play "The One I Gave My Heart To" by Aaliyah & "Anytime" by Brian McKnight all the damn time, and I would cry myself to sleep. 300 miles away he was still controlling my life. Part of me felt like I deserved this for allowing my life to float so far down shit's creek.
After not seeing him for a year, I decided I was going to go up there for homecoming. I had planned to kick it with my other friends with whom I was also in constant touch with. My goal was to not see him. Get in and get out...unscathed.Oh but there was scathing...
Friday -- went off without a hitch. I was certain he was going to be with his frat. I avoided their plot and their party. But if you know anything about HBCU homecomings all the parties crack. So I went to another spot and had the time of my life. I got to see a lot of old friends an all around good night.
Saturday --Now the tricky part was going to be the game. It was a daytime game and no matter how packed it got the possibility of me crossing his path or that of a mutual acquaintance was high. I had made it to the 3rd quarter and no sign of him. I was leaving the stadium when I ran into his LB...literally. I looked up so I could apologize and no words came out. He stared at me sideways I don't think he recognized me at first because of the changes (no more short blonde hair and no green contacts...don't judge me damn it lol) My hair was shoulder length and auburn. I looked good. (hey I did) He hesitated before he said anything. All he could manage was "do I know you?" I never replied I just hurried off with my friends and I as I looked back he was still staring at me all dumb founded.
Side Note: While hanging out on the yard. I met this guy. We will call him GA. Remember him for future installments.
After surviving the game I went out to dinner with my friends, bought lots of liquor and got ready to go out with my friends. We made sure to avoid his frat's party and go to a new spot that we heard was hot. After a few drinks in a crowded club I ran into my closest friend's little brother. (2 year age difference!) I remember him from when I used to go to their house on weekends before I dropped out of school. He was not so young anymore and he was in college. He always used to hit on me even when he was in high school. But now that he was technically an adult and cute as hell I could finally flirt back.
We danced together all night and believe me I am no police officer. I left the club and headed to our hotel which was 30 minutes away. He called me and asked could he come over. I wanted to say no, but it had been 18 very long months and well his sister was loaning him her car so well...uh...I guess it was ok. No need to go into all of the details but well I understand how clouded the mind is when it's all backed up with...
I drove back to campus dropped off little brother, and went to say goodbye to my friends. Just as I was walking out of her dorm and to my car who should be leaning up against it? Yes, and he looked as sadistic then as he did the last time. But this time I wasn't phased. I was a new person. I was going to walk right past him. Ask him to move. Get in my car and drive off. (Doesn't that sound so tv movie newly empowered?) Yet that's not exactly how it went.
Here's how it really went.
I saw him and froze; every muscle in my body tensed. When I finally was able to move, I was taking baby steps like we were playing "mother may I". I made 0 eye contact with him and by the time I reached my car all I could manage was, "hey" in a voice maybe 3 decibels below a whisper.
"So you thought you could come here and not speak to me? You thought I wouldn't find out you were here?" he said snarkily
Before I could even answer he continued, "You know the long hair is such a good look. You look good. So when are we going to spend our time?"
"I have to get home. I have to go to work." I said trying to move closer to my car.
"No you don't. I called your mom. You're off until Wednesday. You have time for me." he stated calmly
"She got it all mixed up." I tried to lie.
"Oh no, she gave me the number and I called to check the schedule for you. I'm sure you're off. And there's no way you're leaving here without spending some quality time with me. I told your mom you'd be back in the morning." he snatched my keys out of my hand "so let's go for a drive..." he finished.
"You know what, I'm really not feeling this I want to go home. Besides don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked as I reached for my keys.
"No, she graduated and we broke up. You know how I feel about long distance relationships." he stared at me.
In that moment, I was so jealous of her. Envious of the fact that she had not only survived him, but was able to move on without the repercussions of him. She had come to college and gotten what she came for while I had just tucked tail and ran. (aye you can take a girl out of the country...)
I quickly snapped out of it as he placed one hand on the roof of the car and put his forearm to my throat the position from afar would look like we were about to kiss. He pressed on my throat until I was gasping for air then he whispered. "I could crush your windpipe right here. Either you get in the car on your own or I'll put you in the car and you may or may not live to tell the tale."
I walked around my car like an exiled child. Got in the passenger seat and stared out the window. I knew what was going to happen next and if you've been keeping up so do you.
And I know I told you I was reborn before, but that person was killed too.
If I were a cat I'd have been on my 3rd life and if you remember another of my previous statements...nothing good happens in 3s.