About Me

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Blowing his head up...

I'm sitting here baffled more at myself than anyone else. How in the hell did I let it happen? I'm so frustrated, maybe if I tell my story I'll be able to figure out the answer myself.

So I meet this man on a random website. After numerous private conversations we exchange numbers. Between talking and texting the relationship goes from pure friendship to some weird ass location. I find myself thinking about him more than normal and in ways uncommon to me. Unfamiliar territory a place I thought we both were. To my surprise he was no where near there. He was somewhere else; with a whole lot of someone elses. (is that even a word) Anyway, over time women have been putting him on a pedastal telling him how attractive/doable he is. Which is true I must admit, but when we initially began chatting he was flying under the radar at least semi. I liked that, personally I prefer a man who's under the radar, less competition means less drama. I hate drama. As time progressed and feelings began to develop I found myself wondering, wow have I met the "one"? But we continued to take it slowly, but I, trying this vulnerability thing decided to let him know how I felt. Expressing that I did NOT want a relationship but I was really feeling him. Mind you this is not my typical behavior, but when it happened I feel like the drift apart began. So I blame myself in part. Anyway, He said he cared for me too but somehow I just felt different, but it was around this time that all of the ladies began to openly express their feelings towards him. I just sat back and observed, noticing that many of them meant it; it hurt me. But I maintained my silence. I fell back in every way. As I faded to the background, I watched as these others headed to the forefront. I was hurt, I confided in my best friend and she said "don't sweat him, find someone else." I knew she was right, but I had real feelings and I had made myself vulnerable so now it was hard. You know I was so honest with him about things and I wish I wouldn't have been, because now I feel stupid. But my friend also said, "the one who's there in the beginning always gets left behind. But you will be the one he misses when the fakeness is revealed, but he will have missed out on a good thing." While that made me feel better, I was still hurt, because I gave up a brick or two off my wall to get to know him, but in time all things heal. Now he does occassionally hit me up, but I'm about to cut that off. It's just hard because he used to make my heart smile. Why do I fall for such loser? I hope that each one of those chicks he put me on the back burner for does him so dirty and when he comes back, because he will; I'm happily involved.

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