About Me

Sunday, June 28, 2009


I sit back and sometimes wonder "why"? Why do I continually find myself back in square 1? What have I done or what choices have I made that force me to travel in circles? Big ones, small ones,figure 8s; doesn't matter. They just lead me back to the same place. Just when it seems ground is being covered or progress is being made; I end up right back here, wondering "why or how come?" or better yet..."here again?" Now I realize in life we have lessons to learn, lessons to teach, assignments to carry out & failures to overcome, but damn what am I missing that keeps leading me back here?

What road along the way did I miss, what person(s) didn't I see, what task did I leave incomplete? I'm clearly missing something, but what? I try to be the best I can be, but why? I mean no one ever notices. On this path, this constant circle, I run into the same nemesis "my wrongs from the past; the mistakes I feel that I pay penance for daily. The regrets that haunt my day and night dreams. The tears behind every smile; the sadness that lingers through every good day." I question myself constantly about the what ifs or coulda, shoulda, wouldas. I don't get why all pleasure is followed by pain. Why all laughter is intertwined with tears. This circle makes it so hard to forget or be forgiven. I run into the same brick walls that seem to appear out of thin air. If God forgives us; why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves or others to forgive us?

When I forgive I do so without looking back; why am I not afforded the same courtesy? I seek a place where forgiveness is freely given and I get a 2nd chance to live down all of my past wrongs without them being revisited constantly so my broken spirit can heal. "Open wounds don't heal," is what I've always been told. Well, logically speaking neither does re-opened ones don't either...correct? This circular path is destructive as it is destroying my spirit, my heart, soul, and physical body. And along the way; who am I destroying or discouraging? Every time I hurt them they say "you again?" and when I say "oh this is the last time" (and in my heart I believe it is) they chuckle sadistically and say, "just like clock work you'll be back." I spend hours trying to ensure them that they are mistaken, but to no avail. So this time when I arrive they say "right on time, I told you you'd be back."

I scratch my head baffled at my unintended return re-tracing in my head every step I took that was different from the time before and try to make sense of how I still ended up back here. Then in the back of my mind I hear a voice that whispers, "no worries child, you still have a purpose here, and your way of escape is coming." Not fully reassured by this I nevertheless proceed forward and even those things look different they feel the same. I see a new path off the beaten trail and I attempt to take it, but a huge gust of wind blows me back. I try to push through, but the path was gone. So I reluctantly continue on where I left off. I hope I'm not an Israelite and my "promised land" is still mine by the time I figure all of this out.

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