Honesty

I don't know how to be honest anymore. More because I'm so disappointed at where I am and how far I have not made it. I don't love myself and I barely like myself. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or who I'm supposed to be doing it with. I keep myself very closed off because I feel that everyone is out to get me and even more because I'm embarrassed with who I've become. I know there's a good person deep down inside, but I don't know where she is all the time. I can tell you these things with absolute certainty...I AM UNHAPPY!! I don't know the last time I felt pure joy and peace. I don't know the last time I smiled and it wasn't followed by tears of hurt or disappointment. It's funny how I've been given a gift to help others, but no one with the gift to help me has surfaced in my life. I don't know how to overcome this or get to a better place, all I know is that I don't wanna be like this anymore. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to love, and I want to give myself openly and honestly; but first I must figure out how to love me and accept me flaws and all. It's funny how I can always see the good in people, but never in myself. I want to start over, but I don't think I can handle the truth of who I am, I don't know if I can continue to live like this; I know I don't want to, but it seems I have no options other than death.