I wake up 2 hours before my alarm goes off and stare at the ceiling. Re-engulfed in the pain that was temporarily sedated by the tears and sleeping pills which have now worn off. I lay here thinking about the whys, the how comes, and the what ifs. Driven only by the common sense that my job pays the bills, I reluctantly climb out of bed.
Now just because I'm moving doesn't mean I'm over it. It simply implies that I am capable of compartmentalizing. I stare at my swollen, sob ridden face and the only word I can muster is "damn!". I examine my puffy eyes and swollen cheeks; run my fingers across the now dry tear lines. Immediately, my fingertips acknowledge the new dampness that has made its way from the corners of eyes back down the familiar path ending under my chin. "Pull your self together baby girl." I say to myself barely above a whisper.
I grab a face towel from the linen closet, and turn on the cold water. Once the towel is completely wet, I carefully place it on my swollen apenditures. First my eyes, then my cheeks. I hold it there just long enough for the coolness to contrast and alleviate some of the swelling. The cold compress jolts me, but I do not move. After reapplying it 2 or 3 more times, I give myself a once over and see that my face is somewhat back to normal. I sigh.
I turn on the shower, drop my robe and step into the steaming hot water flow. The sound of the water mixed with the allure of the heat embrace my body and mind as I try to separate myself from last night's memories. Totally immersing myself into the momentarily bliss, I begin to sing,
"Very sentimental
And my cryings detrimental,
Tell me what I’m getting into,
I can’t lose my mind.
I think its time for me to let go cause my heart can’t take it no mo,
You were all I lived for but I leave you behind."
Before I could get out the most important line a huge lump built up in my throat and I was silent. Fighting back tears confirmed that I would not be OK, at least not now. I continued lathering up and rinsing off in silence. I stuck my face under the streaming water to thwart the tears and surprisingly it worked...or so it seemed.
I grabbed my towel and wrapped it securely around me and walked into the bedroom. The aroma from the soap began to dance under my nostrils and I feigned a smile at the memory of how this scent drove him wild. Remembering how many days I was late for work because he couldn't keep his hands off of me. My smile quickly disappeared when I realized I would not be late, but early because there was no one here to distract me. Feeling the desire to sob some, I grabbed my radio remote and hit play. Now why does it seem like every song on the radio is about you, when you're going through something?
First, I hear "If I can't have you, let love set you free/To fly your pretty wings around/Pretty wings, your pretty wings. I quickly change the station only to hear, "Sometimes love comes around/ And it knocks you down/Just get back up/When it knocks you down. I turn the station one more time hoping...no praying to hear a Lil John or Soulja Boy song so I can find the strength I need to put my clothes on. Then finally some salvation "Nuttin left to do but send her home to you/I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?/One more chance/Biggie give me one more chance."
Now I'm grooving, putting my clothes on trying to tuck my thoughts of him safely away, at least until 5pm. I slide on my stilettos, adjust my skirt, apply my lip gloss and give myself an approving once over. "You're going to be fine," I say to myself as I search for my keys.
I place my hands on my keys and I shuffle through the room looking for my purse, the commercial commences. The DJs are chattering, but I was not paying attention. Just then I hear it. I am stopped in my tracks...paralyzed. The pain in my chest, knot in my throat, heat around my eyes. The tears fall, the sobs immediately follow, and everything goes dark. I barely manage to call in to work as the sound of Mary J tortures me:
Sleep don't come easy
Boy please believe me
Since you been gone
Everything's goin' wrong
Why'd you have to say goodbye
Look what you've done to me
I can't stop these tears from fallin' from my eyes
Ooh baby
I'm going down
And just like that I went down for the count...
The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl
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