I am probably one of the most complicated people you will ever meet. I am closed off, quiet, reserved, outta control, strange, shy, wild, deviant, hell there's not enough time or paper to fully explain.
I'm not beautiful or perfectly sized, but I usually do pretty well when it comes to meeting guys. The catch is that I meet the ones who are always trying to convert me or change me into what they feel I should be, but I'm not that girl. I have always been different. I think different, I act different, I stand out cerebrally, but I blend in; in person, that's me.
My teachers always used to and some still do tell me that my thought process is nothing like anyone else's. At first that embarrassed me, but later I began to embrace it.
I don't view the common like anyone else. I have a tendency to make the simple complicated, but the complicated is child's play in my world. I'm always looking for more, my appetite is insatiable. I have never truly been happy except being a mother. That is my greatest joy, but it wasn't until a recent string of bad events that I realized how much that meant/means to me.
I have a hard time being completely honest with people because I am unhappy with my current status. Even more so, I fear being judged. I am the first to step up and say that I have been through and seen more stuff in my life than many would believe. But where the problem comes is when I have to discuss what those things in are. I don't want to be judged by anyone else, because I judge myself constantly and trust me I'm the worst.
Originally, I had intended this blog post to be my coming out party of sorts, but I changed by mind, hence the title "sneak peek". I'm insecure about what the future holds for me. I want to do so much, but right now I'm so stagnant. That is slowing killing me. None of the older women in my family have/had gray hair but I saw my first one on Saturday. Figures. I'm always stressed, crying, or depressed. Every time I laugh there's a million more tears in the background.
People tell me that I think and act like a man. I have to admit there's some truth in that, but I hurt like a woman; even though I try to hide it like a man. See the constant anomaly that is me?
I haven't spoken to or seen my mother, father, sister, or brother in over 2 years. They ripped my world apart and broke my heart and no matter how much I try, I don't know that I will ever truly forgive them. I'm a grown woman and I'm still running.
Being alone with my thoughts is pure torture. I crave to have someone who knows the real me and accepts me just as I am, but I fear that will never happen because I'm so ashamed of this person I've become. And sometimes I hurt good people trying to find my way, so I've stopped looking. I settle for what I have, when I need so much more, but I'm the obstacle standing in my own way.
I realized the other day, that I fall for guys whose lives are similar to mine... pure chaos!! Why? Because that's what my life is like so I can focus on making him better and I don't have to deal with my own shit. Also, that's who I feel most comfortable with because they can't/won't judge me because they're focused on getting their lives in order. Guys who have their business in order intimidate me because I feel I have nothing to bring to the table. And I am right, I'm not who I need to be, I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I want to be a compliment not an insult.
In Mary J's words "if you look through my eyes and see what I see..."