Loving you

I have loved and been loved
In fact, I'm being loved right now
But as much as my mind wants to love him
My heart won't let go of you
From the first time we met
To the last time we touched
I loved you more
And you cared much less
If my assessment is wrong
This is what I felt
Except when we kissed
So I cut you loose
Cuz your heart is with someone else
And mine is hopelessly devoted to you
I refuse to let you break my heart twice
But now that you're gone
There's no joy in my life
So I climb into the bed of the man who loves me
While I'm loving you
Guessing you're with the person you love
And lucky her, she's loving you too.

You and I

I needed you; you weren't there
I reached for you all I felt was air
I called your name til I nearly choked
I kept calling yet no one spoke
You say you didn't know; I should've made it clear
You say you said your hand was outstretched but maybe not so near
You say you didn't hear me; so I should have yelled
You say that had you heard me you would not have failed
I say then baby why didn't you see the signs
You say how can I expect you to read my mind
I say but I let you in the way you asked to
You say but I thought that was something you weren't willing to do
I say for you I wanted to try to show you who I really was
You say I always knew you, and I loved you just because
I say then why did you leave me when I was at my lowest low
You say I had to give you space and sunlight so you could fully grow
I say where does this leave us? Is there a you and me?
You say baby if you follow I will definitely lead

So Sick of Love Songs

I'm sitting in darkness in my sorority sister's townhome listening to So Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild. As the melodic harmony and rhythmic beat washes over me, I feel some kind of way. His lyrics are inspiring and alas I long for someone to say those words to me and mean it. Yet the someone who says it, doesn't make my heart race or force the corners of my eyes to tighten as a smile washes across my lips. So is wishing for "someone" to say it the incorrect way to go about this? Should I wish for the right one to say it to me? Or is the one saying it to me the right one and I'm so preoccupied by the someone else I'm missing the point?

Now as Raheem's voice emerges from her speakers he says, "should you feel thirsty I'll be sure to bring you water...when hearts beat as one, no ordinary love for you and I now close your eyes and picture us breathing life into love." My imagination races to the first time "he" touched me, not sexual just the first time we made skin to skin contact. It was at that moment my heart exited my chest and dropped into his hands. All logic of what should or should not be left. Never had I ever felt this way about anyone, and I have loved, been loved, and been in love but none of them had managed to make me feel this way even at the peak of our love affair. And he was just my friend.

"...Never dug anyone like this, never had tasty lips to kiss, never missed anyone like this, never wrote a song quite like this..." Damn you Maxwell, I probably couldn't have verbalized this any better. The only thing is while he's fortunate to have his baby, I've never been given the privilege. So where he blesses the day he found her, I curse the day, because no one should ever fall this hard for anyone only to never have it materialize. And the music fades out the tears well up, but the song ends just before they can fully mature.

R. Kelly and Kerri Hilson, Number 1 Sex...hmmm. Well, since we're being honest. I can't say that the first time we had sex was amazing or that I saw stars, because I didn't. With him, and him only I was absolutely terrified. I felt so unlike myself. I couldn't function, I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't express that performing was not possible. It wasn't until I reflected on it that I realized how hard it is to give yourself to someone physically and walk away. Yet, I know that should I be favored with a second chance, this is the song I want to exemplify how it plays out.

"I can't control the feelings, because I know you're here/ I feel you from the floor to the ceiling I feel you when you comb your hair...you're my bad habit...You got me so sick with this love, I'm so in love I can't come down...you're my bad habit...I gotta break from you...I can't control the feeling..." I want to, but I don't know how or do I really want to?

*interlude as I head down stairs to pour myself a glass of Moscato, hell let's just bring the whole bottle, I think I'll need it by the time I reach the end.*

Well, now that I've had 2 glasses I think I'm capable of continuing. It's raining here and while I normally enjoy the rain, I wish he were here to hold me because I can't think of a sexier scene then me in his arms nodding in and out of restful sleep or making love with the blinds open and the rain as our back drop. This unfulfilled desire has caused me to detest the rain, then Raindrops by Jeremih comes on.

J. Holiday enters the room "turn up the radio so you can yell as loud as you want..." Ha I'm a screamer, there's no shame in that, but now all I can think about is me and him making that sound. Ugh!! Now Jamie wants to remind me about liking it Slow. Lawd knows I need some sexual attention of epic proportions because even when I'm getting great sex, it's his hands, his eyes, his lips I visualize. Again I don't know why because he was not my best nor was I his but my heart and head won't let go of him. Maybe they realize the great potential that went unrealized or maybe that's the way love goes.

As if I'm not in a self inflicted hell already, here comes Floetry. "There is only one for me/You have made that a possibility/We can take that step to see/If this is really gonna be/All you gotta do is say yes...Loving you has taken time/But I always known it could be..." I hate feeling this way, why can't I fall for the one who loves me as poetically as I love him? I am betrayed by my heart, and here comes those pesky tears, again. I refuse to let them fall; he doesn't deserve them. He already has every ounce of me, I have to keep something for myself even if it is only tears.

Maybe I Deserve, to feel this pain because of every heart I've ever broken or every person who has ever loved me that I didn't love back. Maybe this is my fate, to love someone so hard so much and live with them loving someone else. I have never felt a pain like this not even in childbirth. I'd gladly go back to that moment if it meant I'd never have to feel like this again.

And just like that, the one thing I wanted to keep for myself cave in for him...just like me. I've never been so powerless over my own will. Why is it that when all I want is the dream Rueben sold me when he sang "Together" all I get is Heather Headley, because I wish I wasn't, Brandy's Brokenhearted, and Vivian's Emotional Rollercoaster, which are all killing me softly.

Mental Penetration

I could write about sex, but that would be too easy,
Plus it takes more than a dick and a tongue to please me.
I want mental penetration and I don’t mean being played,
I mean getting in side of my head; making it impossible to stray.
So even when you’re not physically here
Your face on his body comes in crystal clear.
Now I will explain what I need you to do,
To brainwash me to be only complete with you
Here’s a secret no amount of money could’ve bought.
Get inside my head, and my every thought,
I will break this down as plain as I can,
The truth of how to be solidified as the man.
Start with my curiosity; my interest must be peaked
Like kissing my lips long, sensual, and deep.
Tell me all of your secrets, while you hold me close,
Like gently nibbling on my ear, which turns me on the most.
Graze your lips across my neck, as you push aside my hair.
Like showing me random acts of kindness that remind me how much you care.
Spend time getting to know me, if I’m a right brainer or left
Pretend it’s you caressing and sucking on my 2 voluptuous breasts.
Ensure me that from my pasts hurts I undoubtedly have protection,
Like placing trails of kisses on my flaws and imperfections.
Remind me that regardless of my mistakes your feelings for me remain unchanged
Like twirling your tongue inside my navel and not feeling ashamed.
If you stick your tongue deep into the sweetness of my brain,
Don’t be surprised if my emotions overflow and cum down like pouring rain.
Now spread my thoughts like 2 thick thighs I reluctantly spread apart,
Let me know that each one matters, and soon you’ll have my heart.
Now enter my essence like a tight wet slit that gets wetter with every stroke,
Assure me that your love for me is definitely no joke.
Finally, put me in your favorite position, just the way you like
Which is just like pulling me close to you and asking me to be your wife.

Update

As a follow up to the previous blog. I'm still no better. But I'm clear on what I need to do. I need to let go and move on, I mean not everyone ends up with their soulmate living in total happiness right? CORRECT!!

I'm just relocating to the nearest bottle for the time being. I'm going to work and just live and eventually one day I'll wake up and this will all be a faded memory or at least a blur.

I can fill my bed with a different person each night if I want or I can just find that one consistent lay who allows me to call upon his services whenever I so choose. Yeah, I think that sounds more my speed. As long as he doesn't go catching feelings I think we'll be alright, because the moment he says "I feel or my feelings" he's gone faster than Usain Bolt running the 100.

As for my other behaviors, ah that's yet to reveal itself. I told someone "I'm not in a good place right now nor do I intend to be anytime soon." Shortly after saying that I realized I haven't been in a good place in a long time, and that's how I ended up right where I am now. Trying to get out of a bad place into a good one led me to a worse place.

You know you're in a bad place when you're always a whisper from crying or a steak away from slitting your wrists. And when your only way to sleep is to hopefully pass out in a semi drunken haze you're probably in a bad place. Yet people keep coming to me for help or advice. Can't you see my life is already fucked up? Maybe I hide it so well that the only people who know the truth are reading this blog.

How do you know you're in a worse place? When you come to realization that the last time you laughed, or smiled and meant it was when you were with them and now they're with someone else.

Damn