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Monday, October 12, 2009

So Sick of Love Songs

I'm sitting in darkness in my sorority sister's townhome listening to So Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild. As the melodic harmony and rhythmic beat washes over me, I feel some kind of way. His lyrics are inspiring and alas I long for someone to say those words to me and mean it. Yet the someone who says it, doesn't make my heart race or force the corners of my eyes to tighten as a smile washes across my lips. So is wishing for "someone" to say it the incorrect way to go about this? Should I wish for the right one to say it to me? Or is the one saying it to me the right one and I'm so preoccupied by the someone else I'm missing the point?

Now as Raheem's voice emerges from her speakers he says, "should you feel thirsty I'll be sure to bring you water...when hearts beat as one, no ordinary love for you and I now close your eyes and picture us breathing life into love." My imagination races to the first time "he" touched me, not sexual just the first time we made skin to skin contact. It was at that moment my heart exited my chest and dropped into his hands. All logic of what should or should not be left. Never had I ever felt this way about anyone, and I have loved, been loved, and been in love but none of them had managed to make me feel this way even at the peak of our love affair. And he was just my friend.

"...Never dug anyone like this, never had tasty lips to kiss, never missed anyone like this, never wrote a song quite like this..." Damn you Maxwell, I probably couldn't have verbalized this any better. The only thing is while he's fortunate to have his baby, I've never been given the privilege. So where he blesses the day he found her, I curse the day, because no one should ever fall this hard for anyone only to never have it materialize. And the music fades out the tears well up, but the song ends just before they can fully mature.

R. Kelly and Kerri Hilson, Number 1 Sex...hmmm. Well, since we're being honest. I can't say that the first time we had sex was amazing or that I saw stars, because I didn't. With him, and him only I was absolutely terrified. I felt so unlike myself. I couldn't function, I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't express that performing was not possible. It wasn't until I reflected on it that I realized how hard it is to give yourself to someone physically and walk away. Yet, I know that should I be favored with a second chance, this is the song I want to exemplify how it plays out.

"I can't control the feelings, because I know you're here/ I feel you from the floor to the ceiling I feel you when you comb your hair...you're my bad habit...You got me so sick with this love, I'm so in love I can't come down...you're my bad habit...I gotta break from you...I can't control the feeling..." I want to, but I don't know how or do I really want to?

*interlude as I head down stairs to pour myself a glass of Moscato, hell let's just bring the whole bottle, I think I'll need it by the time I reach the end.*

Well, now that I've had 2 glasses I think I'm capable of continuing. It's raining here and while I normally enjoy the rain, I wish he were here to hold me because I can't think of a sexier scene then me in his arms nodding in and out of restful sleep or making love with the blinds open and the rain as our back drop. This unfulfilled desire has caused me to detest the rain, then Raindrops by Jeremih comes on.

J. Holiday enters the room "turn up the radio so you can yell as loud as you want..." Ha I'm a screamer, there's no shame in that, but now all I can think about is me and him making that sound. Ugh!! Now Jamie wants to remind me about liking it Slow. Lawd knows I need some sexual attention of epic proportions because even when I'm getting great sex, it's his hands, his eyes, his lips I visualize. Again I don't know why because he was not my best nor was I his but my heart and head won't let go of him. Maybe they realize the great potential that went unrealized or maybe that's the way love goes.

As if I'm not in a self inflicted hell already, here comes Floetry. "There is only one for me/You have made that a possibility/We can take that step to see/If this is really gonna be/All you gotta do is say yes...Loving you has taken time/But I always known it could be..." I hate feeling this way, why can't I fall for the one who loves me as poetically as I love him? I am betrayed by my heart, and here comes those pesky tears, again. I refuse to let them fall; he doesn't deserve them. He already has every ounce of me, I have to keep something for myself even if it is only tears.

Maybe I Deserve, to feel this pain because of every heart I've ever broken or every person who has ever loved me that I didn't love back. Maybe this is my fate, to love someone so hard so much and live with them loving someone else. I have never felt a pain like this not even in childbirth. I'd gladly go back to that moment if it meant I'd never have to feel like this again.

And just like that, the one thing I wanted to keep for myself cave in for him...just like me. I've never been so powerless over my own will. Why is it that when all I want is the dream Rueben sold me when he sang "Together" all I get is Heather Headley, because I wish I wasn't, Brandy's Brokenhearted, and Vivian's Emotional Rollercoaster, which are all killing me softly.

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