Sunday, July 4, 2010
She embarks upon every day the same as she did the one before
No life lives behind her eyes
Each breath is strained
She is on life support.
The doctor enters her room with the same prognosis
“She has normal brain activity, but her motor skills aren’t reacting to the messages sent by her brain.”
It is that statement alone that keeps them from pulling the plug.
Each day her family and friends come and whisper words of encouragement
Some cry, some confess, some just simply sit there.
The nurse assures them that she is aware of their presence
And at some point, when the time is right she will respond.
Today makes 1 year since the accident,
However, she didn’t fall into a coma until months later.
“Unforeseen repercussions, a rarity but any slight reminder of such a trauma could trigger this reaction.”
Prior to this, she had been showing signs of regression,
But she had suffered so many internal injuries her discomfort was to be expected.
No one could have predicted this though,
On New Year’s Eve, they came home to find her lying on the floor.
She had suffered heart failure stemming from a heart murmur,
Doctors believe the murmur was caused by the internal injuries sustained from the initial accident.
A condition the doctors had missed during their “thorough” testing.
She was rushed into surgery,
It was considered a success
She awoke, seemed cognitive, and responsive
A little over a month later, following her birthday
Her health took a turn for the worse again.
However, being the fighter she is; she waged a war on her condition.
But by April, the continuous hospital visits had obviously taken their toll.
Still she was determined not to let her physical pain determine the course of her life.
She began to go out and about, and live each day larger than the one before.
It’s like she knew she was on borrowed time.
She would often call me and we’d talk for hours
We’d laugh, cry, and she would pour out her heart and soul.
I could tell that she had not totally made peace with her situation
No matter how much she tried to convince me that she had.
I’d often notice her staring off into space
Lost in what seemed like a blissful memory
(Probably prior to the accident)
But by the time she reached the end of her flashback
She would be grief stricken
Either on the brink of tears,
Or betrayed by the lone tear that refused to be suppressed.
I hurt for her.
I could only imagine the daily struggle of trying to live a normal life,
When you know your circumstances are anything but.
I prayed for her.
Everyday, some nights, and a few times in between.
But even when I thought I saw an improvement in her condition
I would later catch a glimpse of her,
And realize it was only a matter of time.
The end was drawing near.
It was late May when the call came.
Her heart had failed her…again.
And she was on life support.
I went to her bedside every day without fail.
I knew she felt my presence because talking to her felt like a conversation.
I’d say something and her response was understood, even though her lips never moved.
Sometimes I would spend the night
Other times just the day.
However, today more than ever I was drawn to her.
And sitting at her bedside, I realized I loved her.
I wanted to run out of the room to make sense of my feelings.
But I could not move
And it became clear.
I am her
You are my accident
And love is my disease.