Your word...

I made a deal with a friend that if I did something for him then in turn he would do something for me. When it was time for me to do my favor I did it. When it was time for him to keep his end of the bargain; he flaked. Now there were a series of things he was supposed to do, but when he didn't do the first things I asked I was like fuck it on the rest. Don't give me your word, then back out. I'm good on that. So with that in mind I'm good on them too. I have never flaked on them for anything ever, but the one time I ask you for something you can't deliver, and you make excuses. Excuses are...(for those who know) I'm so disappointed in them, but they will never know, because I will never say anything about it. In fact, I don't have anything to say to them. There is no excuse they can give me because I gave them 12 hours to get it done. Hell if they had done it by this morning I wouldn't have been as upset as I am now. I've just learned that people's word is not always good. I could use this as an excuse not to trust anyone, but I will not. I just know to expect the worst, but realize that it won't always be like that. This person has helped me grow so much that I will never hate them, but I know now that our friendship has run its course.

Questions

What is it like loving someone you cannot have?
It’s the worst feeling in the world.
When you’re more than friends, but not quite in a relationship.
It’s as confusing as a mirror filled maze.
Listening to them proclaim their love for you
But
Watching them give their love to someone else,
Inflicts a pain too intense to express.
You’re always the one he runs to when the shit goes down
And you’re always there
Why?
Is it a foolish waste of time?
Are they?
You convince yourself that this can never be true
Because…
You feel like you should be there whenever they need you,
It is who you are
But
They are never there for you
Unless it suits them,
Or
Is necessary to keep your unparalleled devotion
What is it built off of?
Why are they worthy of it?
When their situation settles,
They leave you,
And
Run back to her.
So, why do you stay around?
Why do you offer him your shoulder when he has hers?
Is it so hard for him to exhaust the boundaries of his relationship with her?
Why must he ring my phone at 2 am when his life is in disarray?
Isn’t she lying next to him?
Or at least in the next room?
Why me?
Who am I?
I am the one who hides in the shadows,
Rejoicing in his successes
Consoling him in his losses
Encouraging him after his failures
Yet
My moments with him are few.
Why is it so easy for you to keep coming to me?
Do I make myself readily available?
If I were more unavailable would you cling to me, as I have to you?
Is it so hard for you to leave her?
What does she offer that I am not providing?
Should I just leave you alone?
You claim that what you feel for me is stronger than anything you have ever felt for her
Yet she holds the title
And
I wear the shame.
Yet
You have my heart
I gave it to you
Not willingly, but honestly.
As much as I want it back
I want you to have it.
Why?
When you continue to walk all over it with no regard of my feelings?
Why do I still allow you to possess my life force?
When you pick me up,
Put me down,
And toss me to the side like a doll?
Constantly.
There has to be a method to this madness
Right?
Were we meant to fall in love?
Or am I just obsessed with the idea of love,
Which has caused me to fall for someone unable to truly love me?
Is it that you lust after me?
And I for you?
Maybe that holds true for you,
But for me
It is so much more.
I find myself up late at night wondering where you are.
I spend the majority of my days waiting for your call
Your text
Your email
Your affirmation that I matter to you.
I crave your touch
Even when I have others to fill the void
I still feel empty
Because it’s not you
I want you
I need you
I love you.
But why?
When we can’t be together.
Many others try,
But you have succeeded
Is it fate?
Is it destiny?
Or
Just blind stupidity?
Still,
Every time one of us tries to walk away;
Someone’s hurt consumes them,
Someone looks back
Someone turns around
Someone can’t let go.
Why do we keep doing this to each other?
Better yet…
Why do you keep doing this to me?
Leaving fingerprints and scars on my heart
That some other man will try to heal,
should I ever be able to tear myself away from you.
As much as I hate the pain,
I love the pleasure
I desire it.
I desire you.
I’ve fallen in love with you.
How did I let this happen?
Just when my heart had healed
I met you
And it’s destroying me.
So I ask you,
If I let go, will you let go?
Can we let go?
Doesn’t she need you?
Don’t I need you too?
Do we belong together?
Don’t we fit so perfectly?
If so, what is keeping us apart?
Are we an accident of circumstance?
Were you meant to be a leaf in my life?
Am trying to force you to be a tree?
Is that why it hurts so much?
Never seeing all of my hard work come into fruition.
Why were we allowed to love each other, when it can never be realized?
Why has my heart betrayed me?
However, as much as my heart loves to love you
My head knows it’s wrong
My heart is breaking
My head is swimming
My soul knows the truth
In a perfect world we would be together.
Since it’s not,
I guess we can’t?
So many questions.

You're so vain...

Ok so I just got a call asking me if these blogs were about them. *Smirk* Then I tried to figure out who in the hell even knows I have a blog. I just started yesterday. Then I realized I posted the link on Facebook, for Jules but I didn't think anyone else would notice because I'm nobody special. Apparently, I was wrong. *hmph* But I feel as though I should set the record straight for now and later; because if I know them they will be checking in daily with their vain ass! No nigga this is not about you or anyone else really. I write and freestyle thoughts and ideas daily. I just post them at my leisure. Please boo-boo get over yourself. I'm not angry or mad at anyone...today lmao.

So, at approximately 9pm PST this guy a blast from my past calls me. I only answered because I didn't know who it was; I lost most of my phone numbers. So the conversation goes like this:
Him: Hey
Me: Yeah who's this
HIm: So, it's been that long you don't remember my voice
Me: Apparently
Him: Well beautiful I'd like to see you later tonight
At this point a light bulb comes on and I realize who it is and I smile to myself at the possibility of an indiscretion.
Me: I'm sure you would, but I'm quite busy.
HIm: look I just wanna see you, nothing else just see you.
Me: We'll I'm at a restaurant on the strip with friends you're welcome to join us
Him: Fine, I'll be there in 15
Me: OK
I'm blushing really hard and my girls look at me and say now who was that. So I explain the logistics. They're all excited and a little tipsy and even moreso when they see this fine specimen of a man walk towards us. He smiles at me and greets each of my friends by ordering them another round of drinks. (cheap trick I say) So we're talking and he proceeds to tell me the following:
"You know I really miss you. I think we should spend more time together like we used to."
I'm quite flattered, but apprehensive. It's not that he's a bad person just someone who isn't stable in himself and two unstable creatures head straight for chaos. So I whisper "I miss you too, but you know we weren't good for each other." So he asked, "Is this about someone else?" "No." I reply casually "I'm just remembering how this went in Round 1."
He said, "I'm different now, just give me a chance." My girls were sitting around pretending to chat, but really listening to every word. "I don't know, can I have some time to think about it?" I asked
He was like "sure baby. Just don't keep me waiting you know we should be together."
I don't know how to proceed. He's very good eye candy, great job, nice personality, and puts it down, but he has/had a wondering eye. I mean looking is one thing, but eye fucking is something else altogether. Now we were never in a relationship, because I am non-committal but there are boundaries of respect that should be honored. I don't like going in circles and I don't like repeat performers. Once I kick you out or our "situation" phases out I don't look back. Is that wrong on my part? Am I shutting out opportunities? Should I open up to the possibility that he's a different man? Or should I just use him for my nighttime pleasures and cut him loose on all other accounts? I hate not knowing the answers.

Day 3

So it's day 3 and no word from you.
I'm wondering how this is so easy for you.
We laughed we shared our thoughts,
but you can so easily cut me off.
Well, I spoke with my closest friends and they all agree
that you pulling away now is what's best for me.
I was investing in you, instead of investing in him;
a cycle that would prolly leave me broken hearted yet again.
It was always you and I; two not one.
And just like that our story had begun.
I gave you more than I intended to, but less than you wanted,
but enough for you to say hell at least she's honest.
I wanted you to always be there.
I grew to need you, I hate needing people because that shows I care.
I should have just kept my mouth closed ignored your advances,
but something about you made me give you chances.
Chances I have never given so easily;
opening myself up for you to hurt me.
You said you wouldn't but I knew you would.
You said you couldn't but I knew you could.
I knew I should have trusted my instincts as far as letting you in.
Especially after I swore to myself never to let anyone again.
Funny though I don't see you as a bad person,
and if we ever crossed paths on my part there would be NO cursing.
I'd just pretend not to see you as I walk on by,
then just when I'm far enough I'd dry my eyes from my silent cry.


The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

What Happened

I woke up this morning and I cried
To tell you the truth I have no idea why
My eyes were swollen with tears that I couldn’t identify
My chest was heaving and all I could manage was a breathless sigh
I woke up and reached for your shoulder, but it was gone
I stroked the empty pillow but there were no traces of you, not even your cologne
No imprints of our last night, I roll over only to find I’m alone
I check, but there are no voice mails or texts on my phone
I’m racking my brain for what could have gone wrong
But no answers, just a bunch of pseudo sad love songs
I dial my boss to let her know I’m feeling sick
I could hardly swallow, because my emotions are so thick
Now I’m trapped in this house with my memories of you
Still uncertain of what I should do
There’s no one I can call, because I spoke of you to no one else
Everything that transpired I kept to myself
Now for questions unasked I seek answers
Not knowing is a disease growing like cancer.
I can only assume there is something you don’t have to courage to say
It infuriates me the games that people play.
I would rather just know what the hell transpired
Cause trying to figure out what I did wrong is making me tired.
I met you on Sunday, let you in on Wednesday, and you left on Saturday
And just like that, everything we built is fading away.
So I erased your number from my address book
I deleted all of your emails and the pictures we took.
I am so fucking angry at you
But I’m angrier at myself too.
Because I should have tried harder to keep you at arm’s length
I should have fought with all of my strength
My safe, hurt free world, you carelessly tore apart.
After pillaging through the ruins you left, at least I found I still have my heart.

Am I Dreaming?

I'm sitting here listening to my 90s R&B playlist on IMEEM and this song just came on. Which causes me to wonder...Am I Dreaming?

Allow me to explain. I thought I had something going with this man then just like that with no explanation he was gone. In my confusion I have begun to wonder if it was all a dream.

Webster defines dreaming as a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events. However, my favorite definition and the one I believe applies to me right now comes from Encarta and it says: something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances.

This brings me back to my original starting point. Was I walking aimlessly in the darkness speaking to myself? Sharing my aspirations with the wind? Listening to my own voice echoed in the emptiness?

I often feel like so many things are missing from my life, but am I so delusional that I made up an entire relationship? I drift off to sleep wondering what I did or where I went wrong?

Then a voice whispers, "what makes you think it was you?"

I answer (yes I talk to and answer myself). “If not me, then what or who?” The voice continued on, “maybe there are unconsidered factors or circumstances. Maybe your life is in utter chaos and you need to straighten it up before adding to the equation. Maybe they were a leaf in your life and the wind blew them away, either way don't waste your time chasing it.”

I hesitated before responding, “But he made my heart smile in a way that no one before him ever has, and I’m afraid no one ever will again.” I winced at the admission. The voice softened slightly, “maybe your timing is off, and maybe you should just accept that I know what is best for you.”

I yell at the voice, “then why did you allow this to happen?”

No response

I yell again, “there's a reason for me being the way I am, for building the walls I have, for shutting people out, but this person...this thief broke into my fortress. Why?”

The voice calmly replies, “Maybe your wall was shutting out the wrong people, and I used this thief to weaken you for the right entry. Maybe you were so closed off in darkness that you couldn't see the light I have for you. Maybe I allowed it because they will be back and there needs to be an opening for their return. Or maybe young one, I allowed it because you do have free will.”
“Why do you pose more questions rather than give me answers to the ones I’ve asked. All of these maybes can I have a definitive answer? ” I exclaim in a fit of frustration. At this point I began to cry.

Again no response

“PLEASE!” I yell as my voice echoes off the walls.
Much more calmly, the voice answers, “what's more important is that you persevere and survive this to show others that it can be done. Whatever the reason(s) they will be revealed. For now, work on you. If you and he are to be it will be so. If not, you will get over him; if not today then in time. Allow me to do my job. For now, clean out your closet."

Before I could ask another question, my alarm rang...