Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Am I Dreaming?
I'm sitting here listening to my 90s R&B playlist on IMEEM and this song just came on. Which causes me to wonder...Am I Dreaming?
Allow me to explain. I thought I had something going with this man then just like that with no explanation he was gone. In my confusion I have begun to wonder if it was all a dream.
Webster defines dreaming as a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events. However, my favorite definition and the one I believe applies to me right now comes from Encarta and it says: something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances.
This brings me back to my original starting point. Was I walking aimlessly in the darkness speaking to myself? Sharing my aspirations with the wind? Listening to my own voice echoed in the emptiness?
I often feel like so many things are missing from my life, but am I so delusional that I made up an entire relationship? I drift off to sleep wondering what I did or where I went wrong?
Then a voice whispers, "what makes you think it was you?"
I answer (yes I talk to and answer myself). “If not me, then what or who?” The voice continued on, “maybe there are unconsidered factors or circumstances. Maybe your life is in utter chaos and you need to straighten it up before adding to the equation. Maybe they were a leaf in your life and the wind blew them away, either way don't waste your time chasing it.”
I hesitated before responding, “But he made my heart smile in a way that no one before him ever has, and I’m afraid no one ever will again.” I winced at the admission. The voice softened slightly, “maybe your timing is off, and maybe you should just accept that I know what is best for you.”
I yell at the voice, “then why did you allow this to happen?”
I yell again, “there's a reason for me being the way I am, for building the walls I have, for shutting people out, but this person...this thief broke into my fortress. Why?”
The voice calmly replies, “Maybe your wall was shutting out the wrong people, and I used this thief to weaken you for the right entry. Maybe you were so closed off in darkness that you couldn't see the light I have for you. Maybe I allowed it because they will be back and there needs to be an opening for their return. Or maybe young one, I allowed it because you do have free will.”
“Why do you pose more questions rather than give me answers to the ones I’ve asked. All of these maybes can I have a definitive answer? ” I exclaim in a fit of frustration. At this point I began to cry.
Again no response
“PLEASE!” I yell as my voice echoes off the walls.
Much more calmly, the voice answers, “what's more important is that you persevere and survive this to show others that it can be done. Whatever the reason(s) they will be revealed. For now, work on you. If you and he are to be it will be so. If not, you will get over him; if not today then in time. Allow me to do my job. For now, clean out your closet."
Before I could ask another question, my alarm rang...