But it wasn't until I went to college and met through a mutual friend one of the men who would change my life forever...on Halloween who was dressed like a clown. Bad omen right? Didn't cross my mind til I was looking at it in hindsight. But what attracted me to him was his artsiness. He was a musician who wrote and played music. He was so talented and so damned smart and funny. I'm a sucker for an artist especially a musician.
He and I were friends in my opinion and when I introduced him as such he pulled me to the side and said, "so is this all we are?" I was like, "yeah, because you never asked me for more than my friendship." He got angry stormed off, but when we were leaving the party and I was dropping him off at his dorm, he turned and asked me to be his girlfriend."
I was kinda stunned because we had ridden home in complete silence. I looked him in his eyes and said, "I'll think about it and get back with you tomorrow or the next day." (I'm a firm believer in if you want more than friendship you better ask me straight up or you'll never have anything more)He got out of the car and said, "please don't make me wait forever." I smiled, and drove off.
Nevertheless by November 3rd we were officially an item. And by November 9th he was raping me in his dorm room. But somehow he managed to convince me that I wanted it and he didn't hear me say stop. He went on to say that someone like him would never have to rape anyone. I couldn't deny that girls were running after him. He went on to say that I should feel lucky that he had chosen me. Cliche huh?
Well needless to say, the relationship continued on and I picked up an excessive drinking habit. I wanted...no I needed the escape no matter how short lived it was. We were having sex nearly every day and while most times I felt like Miss Celie, I was just happy that someone wanted me. But just before Christmas break he invited me to the Chi-Town Christmas party at his homeboy’s new place and I wish I had read the signs. He said it was couple’s only, sign #1. Naïve 19 year old me thought nothing of it. When we arrived, the house was completely dark except for a make shift strobe light, sign #2. And a shot of no one knows what and 4 drags on the blunt was required before you could get past the foyer, sign #3.
I don’t remember everything I saw, but I remember Do or Die playing loudly and trying to step over bodies. I was so uncomfortable. Then his homeboy said, “the virgin” is here. I didn’t think he was talking about me because I was certainly not a virgin, but that should have been sign #4. They all got up and stared at me some smiling, some glaring but staring nonetheless. They decided to play a game of truth or dare. I opted out because I knew that whatever was about to happen was way beyond my level. Everyone nodded because I could tell they felt the same way. This truth or dare was like nothing I had ever witnessed. All questions pertained to something or someone in the room, and every dare was either nudity or a sexual act to be performed in front of the group with partners exempt from the one they came with; sign #5-10.
I was quieter than a church mouse, and I guess they figured I should have built up my understanding to the rules so the dares got personal. My current’s ex, (who was now with his best friend and everyone was cool with this sign #11) was dared to give him a 5 minute blow job while fingering herself, and whomever cums first gets it licked/sucked up by the other. I just knew he was gonna be like “can’t do it, my girl’s right here etc etc” but not today. She crawled, yes I said crawled over to him, unzipped his pants and went to work. Did I mention all she had on was a bra and panties? Everyone was staring, and it wasn’t until she came and he had to “clean up the mess” did I realize I was crying. I grabbed my keys and ran out of there. I unlocked my car and sat in the driver’s seat for a moment waiting for him to come out after me, but I realized about 5 minutes later that he wasn’t coming, so I left.
When I arrived in the café, the next morning for breakfast he was sitting at my table looking pitiful. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he didn’t leave because he didn’t want his friends to think he was soft. I had never told my friends what happened because I was too embarrassed, but I wish I had and maybe they would have saved me from making the next mistake…taking him back.
Christmas break went by, and we talked weekly. I couldn’t wait to get back to school to see him and he claimed to feel the same. That month seemed like forever. We were together all the time. By the time we got back, my birthday was rapidly approaching. He and my best friend had gone shopping and they had picked out the perfect gift to solidify our relationship. The suspense was killing me, but the day had finally come. He told me he wasn’t gonna see me at all that day until 5pm so our date could begin. I got my hair and nails done. I bought a new outfit and I hung out with his homeboy because he was supposed to escort me to surprise #1.
While I got ready his homeboy and I talked and joked around, and he kept saying, “I didn’t know you were so cool and I can’t believe he got you.” We both laughed. After I finished I noticed his homeboy staring at the floor. I said, “I’m ready.” And he looked at me, and said, “You’re a nice girl and you don’t deserve this.” I didn’t know what he meant so I asked “what do you mean?” He said, “do you know where your man is right now?” I said, “No, but I’m sure he’s getting ready for my birthday surprise.” He said, “Surprise yes, but YOU aren’t his top priority right now.”
I froze. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, “take me to him.” He walked me over to one of the other girl’s dorms and he gave me the room number. It looked so familiar but I didn’t know why. We snuck in the side door, got on the elevator. When we got to the fourth floor my feet automatically knew where to go, because I had been here before. Instead of knocking, I just pushed open the slightly cracked door. And there he was naked in bed with my friend.
So here I sit wondering what didn't I do? What didn't I give him? What's wrong with me? AGAIN.
If the same thing happens to you twice, it must be you right?