Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Why I am the way I am when it comes to relationships Pt. 1
Is withholding information the same as lying? Is it dishonest? Does it make or break a relationship, friendship, or partnership of any kind?
Recently, I was talking to Pooh and he said that as an attorney he does NOT believe that withholding information is lying and my soror who is also an attorney completely agrees. What we agree on specifically is that someone with whom you have not made a verbal commitment of full disclosure should not be upset when he/she finds out things about you that they didn't know regardless of how close you are.
I honestly, do not believe that I know everything about the 5 most important people in my life whom I love dearly and would do most anything for. And I'm not mad at them for that, especially when I know they don't know everything about me even things that are of relative importance. I don't share a lot of things because I don't want to be judged. Also, some of my life choices were/are not wise. Thirdly, I'm just embarrassed.
I was analyzing this over that last couple of months and I came to the conclusion that I must have self esteem issues. (As if I haven't known this since I was in preschool)
For example, of all the girls in my family I was the one who was sexually abused by various family members. Just me, and I have to wonder what did I do wrong or what's wrong with me? When I finally found the courage to tell no one cared. My great grandmother told me never to lie, but when I was honest it always seemed to get me no where. So while lying seemed like the better alternative, I just chose to withhold or remain silent instead. (no pun intended)
I have never known my father, but he had time to raise 4 or 5 kids just not me. So you could say I have daddy issues...MAJOR ones.
I think this is where the tomboy in me comes from. I figure if males accept me they won't abuse me. They would see me as an equal and not the lesser or weaker sex. I would have some sanctuary.
I can't think of one healthy relationship I have been in or even seen for that matter. My grandfather cheated, my step-father, and my uncle by marriage. My other uncle by marriage was in the "game" and got murdered but all of that aside he was a great husband and father, but I still don't consider that healthy. My eldest uncle moved away and then got married and the few instances I've been around them, he had to tell his wife what to do and leave her notes with instructions. She was a stay at home mom and he controlled the family finances to the penny and that's not healthy to me either. Marriage is or at least should be a partnership even if one of the partners chooses to stay at home and raise the family.
Now, I can truthfully say my youngest uncle and his wife seem to have a healthy marriage, but when I say I haven't seen it; it is because they lived away while I was growing up and imprinting my ideas of relationships. So I can't really make a call on it.
Which brings me front and center. Every relationship I have ever been in has been somewhat destructive; whether it was physical or emotional it just was. From the senior I dated freshman year of high school to my "high school sweet heart" who would become my son's father. Let's not forget the jerks in between, who made me feel inferior, because I was smart. Each one of them tainted me on what men were/would be like. I was looking for something and none of them provided such.
So I guess I will start with my son's father.
We started dating in 11th grade. He was so adorable to me and very under the radar something I still find enticing. He was nice and sweet and so funny. He treated me like a princess. Carrying my books, walking me to class, and taking me out every Saturday. Every summer he bought me school clothes I in turn went to all his games both football and basketball. I tutored him in English to keep him eligible.
It wasn't until the end of Senior year that everything started going haywire. Three week prior to prom, I find out he had been cheating on me with a freshman. She came to me and asked me if he and I were still together and when I said yeah. She spilled her guts about the whole situation showing me letters he'd written her ticket stubs from movies I knew he had seen with me on different days. And when I confronted him all he could say was "I'm sorry." So I ended it.
I had other options for dates, but his mom begged "on his behalf" for me to take him back and go to prom with him. She agreed to pay for all of my prom expenses from hair and nails to my dress and shoes no matter what the cost.
And I did still love him and he did seem sorry. Begging for forgiveness over the school intercom, notes, etc. And I took him back. Prom was cool and we had a lot of fun actually.
It wasn't until 2 weeks after graduation, that I became ill. So ill that I was bed ridden. When my grandparents who had already tried every home remedy in the book couldn't get me better they finally took me to the hospital only to find out that I was pregnant and the baby was killing me. I told him, and asked him what he wanted to do. I wanted an abortion he didn't. I went to the doctor and when I heard that heart beat I was done. A baby was on the way.
I decided that I would delay college for a year and have the baby. He decided he wasn't waiting and left for the school I had chosen. It hurt a lot because I only considered the motherhood option because he promised to be with me through all of this. I was depressed and my aunt invited me to come live with her and her daughter in Cali, so I moved.
By the time I was 7 1/2 months. He and I were in a relationship, though now I believe it was more because of the baby than me. I called him and he was acting strange. I mean, we talked regularly but this time he seemed evasive and distant. I pressed the issue and that's when he hit me with a jab. "I got you pregnant on purpose. I put a hole in the condom. I did this so you wouldn't break up with me again. But now I'm not sure if I even want this or you." And he hung up. I didn't process what he said for at least an hour. To say I was hurt doesn't do it justice. I mean here I am trying to deal with the physical and emotional changes, my educational sacrifices and this is the bullshit I'm hearing after all this time.
My friend Misty would write me every week and once I had told her what happened she went on to tell me everything she knew. She said she didn't want to upset me while I was pregnant, but she had seen him with the other girl. I didn't call him or vice versa. I even started seeing someone else, nothing serious just someone to hang out with from time to time.
About 1 week from my due date, I went in for my last prenatal ultrasound and they hit me with another jab. They could see a growth on the baby's abdomen and he would have to be checked right after he was born. First him, now the baby. I contemplated calling him, but I didn't. I wanted to have just cause before dialing his number for any reason.
On January 28th, he was born 10lbs 9oz 22 1/2 inches of what seemed like nothing but perfection for me. However within the hour he was diagnosed with cancer. They called in a pediatric oncologist and the surgery would have to take place soon in order to ensure that it doesn't spread. So 11 days later he would have surgery and there were no guarantees. I thought his father had the right to know and be there.
I called him and told him everything. I explained to him that his son will need a blood transfusion and since they shared a rare blood type of O, they were universal donors but can only receive from another O person so he would need to be here. My family offered to pay for his round trip flight, meals, and hotel. He said his girlfriend wouldn't approve so "good luck with that". And he hung up.
I kept asking myself what did I do and how bad of a person am I that I couldn't manage to maintain a relationship with the father of my child. It took a very long time to realize it was his loss and not mine.
There is so much more to this saga, but there is no drama. We haven't spoken since our son's 1st birthday. His son wants a relationship with him (something I will never deny him of) and he doesn't make the effort. He's married with 5 other children to someone I went to school with so he claims they're his priority. I refused child support because I don't believe a man should be forced to take care of his responsibilities.
I just teach my son to be a good man. And when he's older he can make a decision on who his father really is and I never speak ill of him. I've just become accustomed to the notion that I am mommy and daddy. And I'm good with that, but I can't say it hasn't left me slightly tainted.
Momma's baby daddy's maybe.