About Me

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Plot Thickens 3.4

Sitting in that hospital while the doctor rambled on and on was the easy part, because I wasn't listening. I was in full out panic mode. I cut him off mid rant to say, "so you're telling me I'm gonna have a baby any day now?" He looked at what had to be a face filled with fear and confusion and said "yeah any day now."

I explained to him all the ways this was impossible and he explained to me all this ways this was not only possible but a reality.

I also informed him, that I had obviously not told my parents or anyone and I would like to do that in my own way and in my own time. He nodded, but went on to tell me how he needed to run tests on me. While he did so, I contemplated my next move. In my mind, it started to make since why frat boy kept calling me fat, it's because I was pregnant. Speaking of which I have to not only tell him I'm pregnant, but that this is NOT his child. (Which in many ways was a relief, because I did not want my legacy to be the woman who gave birth to the spawn of Satan.)

And the plot thickens...

When the nurse began to draw my blood she could tell I was absolutely frantic and disheveled. And I know she was staring at the scars and bruises, because she said barely above a whisper, "there's always adoption. My friend owns an adoption agency." I turned to her and asked "really?" She and I talked for quite some time and she even gave me the number.

The next day I called, made an appointment and instead of going to work I went there. The people were very friendly and it was black owned. They showed me profiles of interested families and even a family who would take a child with disabilities. (Which with my lifestyle and habits was sure to be an issue) I have to admit I was impressed. The mother gets $10000 to cover expenses endured during pregnancy. And since I obviously had none, this was a financial upturn. I had pretty much made up my mind, but I had one thing left to do and that was tell him.

So, I went home and surprisingly he was there alone watching a movie. He greeted me when I came in which shocked the hell out of me. I stood about 3 feet away from him and I said "we need to talk." He said, "before you go on, your little stunt not only embarrassed me, but the bruhs too. But I get your point, I'll keep my escapades outside of the house." I got so angry I just balled my fists up and started breathing heavily. Between gritted teeth I said, "no that's not what I want to talk about." He stopped the movie, and walked right up on me until he had me backed into a corner. "Bitch you are not leaving me, you're mine."

He wrapped his hand around my neck, and I realized I had a decision to make. I could let him choke me to death that way he would have to serve jail time or I could just tell him and see if he kills me in a new and exciting way. I've never been a fan of suffocation, so I opted to tell him. I said, "I'm pregnant!" He let go of me.

I couldn't tell if he was angry or not, but I decided to go all in, "and it's not yours." I winced, because I knew he was gonna do something. But he never stopped pacing. I was shocked. I asked him if he heard me and he said "yes" very calmly. I started to walk to the room to get my things and surprisingly he didn't stop me. I packed up everything, and ran out of there. I felt so relieved. But when I made it to where my car was parked at he was leaning against my car. I was like "oh shit this is gonna go so horribly."

I pretended he wasn't there and tried to unlock my car but he pushed me and somehow I was backed up against the car with him hovering over me. This is a conversation I will never forget.

Him: How far along are you?
Me: 37 weeks
Him: So it's for Chi-Town?
Me: yes
Him: have you told anyone?
Me: No

A very scary smile crept over his face

Him: Since you insist on embarrassing me you're going to make this right.
Me: How is this about you?
Him: Don't test me bitch. See, I love you, but I'm going to need something more to validate what you did the other night. I'm going to tell everyone you were pregnant and scared to tell me because you didn't want to ruin my career. And you're going to say as a side effect this baby is premature so in fact it is mine. You're going to name him after me and we're going to be a family.
Me: Are you fucking crazy? I'm out of here.
Him: You're not going anywhere but back upstairs. You can go willingly or I can assist you.

I walked up the stairs dazed. I could understand or believe what had just happened. How in the hell did I end up in this situation. Pregnant again and with this nigga? I've always been a good person, but I'm living in HELL.

He didn't let me out of his sight the rest of the night. I didn't sleep. I spent the entire night trying to process everything, but to no avail. I got up earlier than usual to get ready for work. He didn't want me to go to work so we argued for nearly an hour. He got a call from his "bruhs" so he gave in. I dropped his off at his LB's house and headed off to work. I was driving to work, but I drove right past the exit and 3 hours later I was in my grandmother's living room crying and explaining my dilemma.

She took me to her doctor and sure enough I was pregnant. They scheduled me another appointment for August 7th. (2 days) I spoke with the adoption agency and they were speaking with the potential family.

Consequently, on the day of my appointment, it was confirmed that I had some sort of rupture. (This is why I had a menstrual cycle throughout the duration of this pregnancy.) Dehydration and mild malnutrition were the primary cause of the non-existent bump. When they checked for the baby's heart beat there was a faint one and then none. As horrible as this sounds, I was somewhat relieved.

They gave me medication to induce labor, but they were preparing me for a still birth or momentary life. At 3:33 am on August 8th I gave birth to a 6lb 8oz baby boy. He did not cry, he barely made a sound. They took him immediately to run tests and what not. I hate to admit feeling relieved, but it's true.

Yet nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

The doctor came in and told me that "he" was perfectly healthy; which again baffled them...and me. My mother must've known what I was feeling because she immediately took the baby from the nurse because I had no intention on doing so. I refused to even look at him. I lay there in silence and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning thinking...hoping it was all a dream, but it most assuredly was not. And to my immediate surprise my aunt and uncle who lived in Missouri was there. It became clear to me that my mom and grandma had called in reinforcements...MAJOR ONES!

Before I could say a word my uncle said, "I will not tell you what to do. But I will ask you not to give the baby up for adoption. We would like to to take him, and raise him as our own. He's family."

I was confused, angry, hurt, and guilt ridden. Let me explain.
Confused because I really didn't know how I ended up in this situation or what was the right thing to do. Angry because I had confided in my grandmother about the adoption and I felt betrayed. Not to mention that this conception came from rape. Hurt because I felt like I had let everyone down. Guilt ridden because of all of the above and because I had 2 children and I wasn't even 21.

Words escaped me so I cried. Then frat boy showed up.

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