About Me

Friday, April 9, 2010

Part 3.3 Fluorescent Lights

Believe it or not this "relationship" carried on. My weight was fluctuating in the size 3-5 range. I was drinking on a level where only a drunk could even get close to me. I was so afraid of him that I only went to class and back to my room.

I didn't eat only drank and slept. I didn't call him and we only talked when he initiated it. He controlled everything from where I went to what I wore. I was a puppet. In fact, I missed my final because he told me if I left my room I'd beg for death. He didn't want me getting a better grade in the course than him, so that 0 pulled my 125 A+ to a B- while he got the A.

After summer school was over, I stayed in town with him and one of his friends because my job was still going and the dorms had closed. It wasn't unusual to come home from work and find a houseful of girls and other fraternity members kicking it. I became immune to it.

On July 29th, I came home and it was even worse than ever. Half naked girls everywhere and he was having a menage on the living room floor. I stared down at them half in amazement and half in disgust. He looked at me and said, "bitch if you don't stop looking at me I will get two brooms this time." Shame and hurt overwhelmed me. Everyone started to laugh as he told the story of my sodomy, except for one girl in the room who looked almost as mortified as I felt. I ran into the room we shared and starting crying.

I can't remember every detail from that point only sketches here and there. I remember looking for his gun and wanting to shoot him, but I didn't want to go to prison. I thought about shooting myself but what if I didn't do it right and I ended up a vegetable. One thing was certain, I wanted to be anywhere but here. But I knew he would not just let me walk out and there was no more fight in me. I looked on the dresser and saw his frat brother's Valium. And in that instance I knew what I had to do.

I picked up the phone and had a casual conversation with my grandmother. I remember telling her I love her like 20 times and her asking me if I were alright. I remember Caleb's little voice making noises. I remember thinking how much better off he would be with my family raising him, because his mother was fucked up beyond repair.

(At this point I had stopped going home to see my son. I was too embarrassed of what I had become. I just knew he could see right through me. I couldn't bear to be anymore of a disappointment to anyone. I needed at least one person's lasting image of me to be a good one. I didn't want to lose his love and I knew if he laid eyes on me he wouldn't love me anymore either.)

I remember taking a shower and putting on my nice underwear because I didn't want to embarrass my grandmother by having on raggedy or dirty panties. I walked back out into the front room and looked at everyone. I grabbed a bottled water and expressionlessly (or so I'd like to think) I walked back into the room. I look at the girl from before and she returned a look of empathy. I feigned a smile and walked back into the room.

I don't know how many pills were in the bottle, but I took every one. All I know is that I became over powered by sleep, I felt physically heavy, but emotionally light. I'd like to tell you that I saw a bright light but I didn't. All I remember was darkness and I succumbed to it. Anywhere had to be better than this.

When Bella said, "death is easy but life is so much harder". This had to be what she was referring to. The peaceful darkness was replaced by fluorescent lights, beeping sounds, and unfamiliar faces. I felt disoriented,confused, and sore. There was a tube in my nose, an IV in my arm, and people so many people. I remember thinking "wow dead people can hear and see" and "I did put on my new panties right?"

Then I heard someone say, "it was touch and go there for a while but she's gonna be alright." "Who was gonna be alright?" I thought. Surely, they couldn't be talking about me. Who would have found me in time? I had planned this so well.

Sometime later, I woke up to see my parents and grandparents sitting in various places around the bed. I pretended to be sleep so I could think of a feasible explanation for my parents, but there was none. I scanned the room and saw frat boy talking to my mom and pretending to be concerned.

While I was going over my disdain for him and thinking of a better way to successfully erase my existence next time, the doctor walked in. With a stern but concerned look on his face he explained to me that if I hadn't gotten there when I did I would not have made it.

When he asked me why I did it, I just turned away and didn't answer him. He repeated himself, but this time when I didn't answer, he told me that I shouldn't just think of myself but the implications this could have on my unborn child.

He continued on by saying, "looking at your weight and size I would say you couldn't be more than a couple of weeks pregnant, but we're gonna run some tests to be sure."

The room was eerie quiet, because it was just me and the doctor in there; which was good. Because that meant I didn't have to further embarrass myself in front of anybody nor did I have to explain my decision. I could just get it over with.

All I kept thinking about was "I am NOT giving birth to his demon seed by no means so point me in the direction of the nearest clinic!" But in the back of my mind I kept remembering that we had never had sex without a condom. EVER!!!

Then I thought "don't tell me this bastard plotted on me too!"

And more importantly, I had never missed a period, in fact I was mid-monthly right now; so how the hell could I be pregnant?

But my thoughts were cut short when the doctor came back and told me I wasn't a couple of weeks pregnant, I was 37 weeks pregnant making my date of conception November 9th the night I got raped by Chi-town. (the only time I'd ever been condomless)

Why hadn't I died?

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