The Love Letter I will Never Send...

I love you. Not that fly by night kiss on the forehead love you see in television movies. The kind where we've been married for 50years; we have 6 children 35 grand children and countless great grand children and people speak of our love as something to aspire too. I never fully understood love until I met you and trust me I have been studying.

My love for you came out of nowhere.

I wasn't trying to love you. In fact, I was trying to love someone else.

But you were the friend I never knew I needed and that was good enough for me. I never had to change who I was/am for you. I could just be and that was good enough for you. You were so strong willed just like me, but yielding my will to yours was so easy for me because you never made me feel weak. Submitting to you seems oddly natural and now I understand what is meant by the phrase “you will know it when you feel it.” And I knew it when I felt you.

Then you kissed me.

You see, I hate kissing because I think people abuse it. Kissing should be reserved for someone who means something to you. And since night you kissed me I was never the same. I cried myself to sleep after you left, because my greatest fear was realized. You were more than my friend and now losing you was a liability. As cinematic as this sounds you kissing me was like watching my life play, but not the past the future.

Our future.

You are everything I ever wanted but thought I could never have. So I decided to deny how I felt because I needed my friend. I was afraid that if more happened and it didn't work out, I would lose both and it would destroy me. But keeping it hidden is doing the same thing...destroying me.

I came home and tried with all my might to love the man who loves me, but I couldn't. I was only giving him what was left of me because you have the best of me.

Ever since we touched I have not been the same. No one has before or since made me feel the way you did and that's simply referring to you looking at me.
You see me. I don’t believe anyone has ever seen me. Even the one who loves me doesn’t see me. He never has.

You are perfect in all your craziness. There is nothing about you that I don't love. There is nothing about you that I would change except you not being mine. I don't judge you; I only love you...as you are. People who say love is blind are liars. Love is the ability to see the imperfect as perfect and watch as the two incomplete halves mesh and become a perfect whole. I have 20/20 when it comes to you and that only makes me love you more.

There is no distance that separates us in my heart. We are one in the same, and as much as I try to deny it, I can't. You are my match; my soul mate; my mental and physical equal. I only pray that I am yours. I try diligently to walk away from you and love he who loves me, but I can't stop loving you.

My days are not complete without you and my eyes don't close without thoughts of you first. You have become a part of me all the way to my core. Every morning I awake to visions of your face. At night, I fall asleep pretending to be engulfed in your embrace. You are the only person who can make my heart glad and break it at the same time. I don’t understand the power you have over me. The sun never shines in my world if I’m not with you, so it would seem my whole life has been an overcast.

I can't shake you. You say I always talk about replacing you, and it’s just that...talk. I only say it because it hurts so much to be in love with you and you're not in love with me. My dream is to bring you joy from the first light until my eternal last light. And even then if I could send an angel to protect you it would be done, and I would beg God to let she be me.
I know I am a writer and I should be able to be more poetic, but I can't. You're the only person who makes me lose my words, but here is my heart. I hope it will suffice. I am in love with you...of this I have no doubt.

My friend told me that in order to get over you I needed to first tell you how I feel. But in writing this I realize that I will never be over you.
I may move on, but you will always have my heart. I lost it the first time we met and I haven't been able to get it back since...

At The Movies

I’m sitting in between my man and some guy
When all of a sudden I feel a foreign hand on my thigh
I turn to see who is the culprit
But the sight of him turned me on, just a little bit
He winks, and seductively licks his lips
I smile and I whisper, “I think you should move this”
He nods, then obliges but drags his hand over my thigh
I take a deep breath and let out a medium pitched sigh
“What’s wrong baby,” my man says with sincere concern.
“Oh nothing love.” He smiles, then back towards the screen his attention turns
Now this mystery man is rubbing my naked thigh
Chills are running up and down my spine.
I want to tell him to stop, because this is so wrong
But the thrill of the unknown is turning me on
His fingertips danced higher up my thigh
And when I crossed my legs, it was like whispering “come inside”
The angle that I am sitting allows his hand up my skirt
His fingers dance across my panties making the throbbing worse
Somehow, I don’t know what he did, but his finger slid inside
He was massaging my walls with each stroke and the pleasure was becoming harder to hide
“Baby, I’m hungry. I’m going to concession I’ll bring you something to eat.”
I nodded and smiled, as he left just in time for my ecstasy to be released.
As soon as he was out of sight, the one who was making me cum
Dropped down to his knees, and said “let me get that up with my tongue”
Without hesitation he spread my legs and lapped up every drop
It took all that I had not to let out scream because the lashing seemed to never stop
Finally he was done and my leg continued to shake.
He stared at me and whispered, “you do look as good as you taste.”
My man returns with drinks and food and says, “I’m sorry I took so long.”
I said, “That’s ok, I barely noticed you were gone.”

...

Have you ever felt the increasing desire to erase your existence from this earth? Periodically, those feelings come crashing into me. I wonder what would the people I care about lives be like if I never were. I also wonder if it would be better if I just chose not to exist now. To just wake up one morning, get in my car and drive. Not telling a soul where I am not even knowing where I am going. But the thought of being so alone with my thoughts terrifies me so much more. I mean I look at the pages of my life's book and I see good, great, but right now I seem to be engulfed in the painful. Imagine that for the last 34 months I have been miserable. The minimal amounts of happiness I've felt seems to cause triple the pain. I've felt no joy, no peace, for if its not one thing, it's another.

For starters why can't I love the person who loves me the way he deserves to be love? Why can't I be for him what he needs? I mean he loves the hell outta me, but I keep hurting him over and over. I need to just leave so he can find the right person, but I don't want to be without that kind of love, but its not fair to him. I want to be everything for him, but I for some reason don't know how to be.

Being a parent was the only thing keeping me sane, but now that they're not here anymore, I have lost all sanity. I am angry and sad all the time. Please don't underestimate ALL. I don't have good days, I have good hours or moments. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.

I'm losing at this life thing and I don't know how to turn it around.

Cheating

Why do people cheat on their significant other? This topic caused a heated pseudo debate on my good friend's facebook status comment link. The opinions varied across the spectrum, all in all most people agree, this is not a simple question to answer. It varies across the spectrum and no situation is the same in most cases.

However, it was the bitterness surrounding the topic that intrigued me the most. The sound of someone who has probably been cheated on and had their heart stomped on. Woo Woo Woo Boo, its happened to almost everyone. And there's a 98% probability you've cheated on someone. Before you get all high and mighty on me, let me start over and explain the rules of MY blog.

I'll start by defining some key terms. Significant other will include any person with whom you are supposed to be monogomous with and share a level of intimacy. So married, dating, or whatever. Cheating = anything done that violates a level of trust between you and your significant other causing you to feel the need to hide it or lie about it. Now that the basics are in place, let's get it on!

Now why do people cheat? Honestly, I believe cheating is a reflection of an unfilled void. It's like a hunger, when your body craves food, it sends a signal to your brain, thus you say "I'm hungry" now we do have a choice whether or not we feed it, but the longer we wait the body increases the signal's output. Then comes hunger pains, now you're hungry, and the pain has kicked in and if you continue to hold out, that embarrassing growling begins. Yet in instances where we may not be able to supply the food, the body takes it upon itself to reproduce fat and nurish itself on that. Now, for those of you who are health fanatics or science majors you know this is not a good thing. Over time, if we continue to neglect the body and not feed it, it will begin to break down causing weakness, and or disease to set in. Should we hold out just long enough we will inevitably die. That is a fact.

Now that I have taken you on that little journey replace hunger with cheating and use food and some form of emotional metaphor. Add a word here and there and you will come up with a similar answer to the original question. When a person cheats something is missing in the relationship whether it is personally (not happy with oneself, selfish, greedy, etc) or its collective not getting whatever he/she needs out the relationship. At some point if there is a void and the significant other cannot or does not fill it, either someone will cheat, the relationship will die, or the person with the void will begin to suffer emotionally and eventually that too could cause physical illness.

You see, in my honest, non professional opinion cheating for some is a means to an end. Someone is looking for something he/she has not been able to find. Also, cheating sometimes provides a new perspective, because if you find yourself in either position the cheater or the cheated on there is a lesson to be learned. A. This person is not for you in which case you do not have to waste another minute on them and you're free to be with someone who can and will love you the way you need to be loved. B. You were selfishly taking care of your needs and neglecting those of your partner. C. The person you were with is just not the one for you, and eventhough it hurts, it just is that way. There are many, many more lessons that could be learned, but you get the gist.

Again, in my honest, non professional opinion 98% of us have cheated. (Refer to my earlier definition) We have done something we felt the need to hide or felt slightly guilty about and anything we hide from our significant other is cheating. Whether it be flirtatious texts, emails, phone convos, etc. Anything we've done. Fantasizing about someone else while we're with our significant other all cheating in my opinion. That's why I find it funny when people want to judge others for cheating when there's a huge probability that you too have partaken in cheating. Sex is not the only way to cheat, but any type of intimacy with someone other than your "boo" is cheating, so I say check yourself before you play judge and jury.

Now does this blog answer the question as to why people cheat, maybe...maybe not; but hopefully it gives a little insight on the concept of cheating. I in no way am trying to glorify cheating, but I am a strong believer in "he who sits in judgment has only yet to be judged." Like someone told me, take every heartache as life's lesson so you don't repeat it in the future.

Loving you

I have loved and been loved
In fact, I'm being loved right now
But as much as my mind wants to love him
My heart won't let go of you
From the first time we met
To the last time we touched
I loved you more
And you cared much less
If my assessment is wrong
This is what I felt
Except when we kissed
So I cut you loose
Cuz your heart is with someone else
And mine is hopelessly devoted to you
I refuse to let you break my heart twice
But now that you're gone
There's no joy in my life
So I climb into the bed of the man who loves me
While I'm loving you
Guessing you're with the person you love
And lucky her, she's loving you too.

You and I

I needed you; you weren't there
I reached for you all I felt was air
I called your name til I nearly choked
I kept calling yet no one spoke
You say you didn't know; I should've made it clear
You say you said your hand was outstretched but maybe not so near
You say you didn't hear me; so I should have yelled
You say that had you heard me you would not have failed
I say then baby why didn't you see the signs
You say how can I expect you to read my mind
I say but I let you in the way you asked to
You say but I thought that was something you weren't willing to do
I say for you I wanted to try to show you who I really was
You say I always knew you, and I loved you just because
I say then why did you leave me when I was at my lowest low
You say I had to give you space and sunlight so you could fully grow
I say where does this leave us? Is there a you and me?
You say baby if you follow I will definitely lead

So Sick of Love Songs

I'm sitting in darkness in my sorority sister's townhome listening to So Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild. As the melodic harmony and rhythmic beat washes over me, I feel some kind of way. His lyrics are inspiring and alas I long for someone to say those words to me and mean it. Yet the someone who says it, doesn't make my heart race or force the corners of my eyes to tighten as a smile washes across my lips. So is wishing for "someone" to say it the incorrect way to go about this? Should I wish for the right one to say it to me? Or is the one saying it to me the right one and I'm so preoccupied by the someone else I'm missing the point?

Now as Raheem's voice emerges from her speakers he says, "should you feel thirsty I'll be sure to bring you water...when hearts beat as one, no ordinary love for you and I now close your eyes and picture us breathing life into love." My imagination races to the first time "he" touched me, not sexual just the first time we made skin to skin contact. It was at that moment my heart exited my chest and dropped into his hands. All logic of what should or should not be left. Never had I ever felt this way about anyone, and I have loved, been loved, and been in love but none of them had managed to make me feel this way even at the peak of our love affair. And he was just my friend.

"...Never dug anyone like this, never had tasty lips to kiss, never missed anyone like this, never wrote a song quite like this..." Damn you Maxwell, I probably couldn't have verbalized this any better. The only thing is while he's fortunate to have his baby, I've never been given the privilege. So where he blesses the day he found her, I curse the day, because no one should ever fall this hard for anyone only to never have it materialize. And the music fades out the tears well up, but the song ends just before they can fully mature.

R. Kelly and Kerri Hilson, Number 1 Sex...hmmm. Well, since we're being honest. I can't say that the first time we had sex was amazing or that I saw stars, because I didn't. With him, and him only I was absolutely terrified. I felt so unlike myself. I couldn't function, I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't express that performing was not possible. It wasn't until I reflected on it that I realized how hard it is to give yourself to someone physically and walk away. Yet, I know that should I be favored with a second chance, this is the song I want to exemplify how it plays out.

"I can't control the feelings, because I know you're here/ I feel you from the floor to the ceiling I feel you when you comb your hair...you're my bad habit...You got me so sick with this love, I'm so in love I can't come down...you're my bad habit...I gotta break from you...I can't control the feeling..." I want to, but I don't know how or do I really want to?

*interlude as I head down stairs to pour myself a glass of Moscato, hell let's just bring the whole bottle, I think I'll need it by the time I reach the end.*

Well, now that I've had 2 glasses I think I'm capable of continuing. It's raining here and while I normally enjoy the rain, I wish he were here to hold me because I can't think of a sexier scene then me in his arms nodding in and out of restful sleep or making love with the blinds open and the rain as our back drop. This unfulfilled desire has caused me to detest the rain, then Raindrops by Jeremih comes on.

J. Holiday enters the room "turn up the radio so you can yell as loud as you want..." Ha I'm a screamer, there's no shame in that, but now all I can think about is me and him making that sound. Ugh!! Now Jamie wants to remind me about liking it Slow. Lawd knows I need some sexual attention of epic proportions because even when I'm getting great sex, it's his hands, his eyes, his lips I visualize. Again I don't know why because he was not my best nor was I his but my heart and head won't let go of him. Maybe they realize the great potential that went unrealized or maybe that's the way love goes.

As if I'm not in a self inflicted hell already, here comes Floetry. "There is only one for me/You have made that a possibility/We can take that step to see/If this is really gonna be/All you gotta do is say yes...Loving you has taken time/But I always known it could be..." I hate feeling this way, why can't I fall for the one who loves me as poetically as I love him? I am betrayed by my heart, and here comes those pesky tears, again. I refuse to let them fall; he doesn't deserve them. He already has every ounce of me, I have to keep something for myself even if it is only tears.

Maybe I Deserve, to feel this pain because of every heart I've ever broken or every person who has ever loved me that I didn't love back. Maybe this is my fate, to love someone so hard so much and live with them loving someone else. I have never felt a pain like this not even in childbirth. I'd gladly go back to that moment if it meant I'd never have to feel like this again.

And just like that, the one thing I wanted to keep for myself cave in for him...just like me. I've never been so powerless over my own will. Why is it that when all I want is the dream Rueben sold me when he sang "Together" all I get is Heather Headley, because I wish I wasn't, Brandy's Brokenhearted, and Vivian's Emotional Rollercoaster, which are all killing me softly.