At The Movies

I’m sitting in between my man and some guy
When all of a sudden I feel a foreign hand on my thigh
I turn to see who is the culprit
But the sight of him turned me on, just a little bit
He winks, and seductively licks his lips
I smile and I whisper, “I think you should move this”
He nods, then obliges but drags his hand over my thigh
I take a deep breath and let out a medium pitched sigh
“What’s wrong baby,” my man says with sincere concern.
“Oh nothing love.” He smiles, then back towards the screen his attention turns
Now this mystery man is rubbing my naked thigh
Chills are running up and down my spine.
I want to tell him to stop, because this is so wrong
But the thrill of the unknown is turning me on
His fingertips danced higher up my thigh
And when I crossed my legs, it was like whispering “come inside”
The angle that I am sitting allows his hand up my skirt
His fingers dance across my panties making the throbbing worse
Somehow, I don’t know what he did, but his finger slid inside
He was massaging my walls with each stroke and the pleasure was becoming harder to hide
“Baby, I’m hungry. I’m going to concession I’ll bring you something to eat.”
I nodded and smiled, as he left just in time for my ecstasy to be released.
As soon as he was out of sight, the one who was making me cum
Dropped down to his knees, and said “let me get that up with my tongue”
Without hesitation he spread my legs and lapped up every drop
It took all that I had not to let out scream because the lashing seemed to never stop
Finally he was done and my leg continued to shake.
He stared at me and whispered, “you do look as good as you taste.”
My man returns with drinks and food and says, “I’m sorry I took so long.”
I said, “That’s ok, I barely noticed you were gone.”

...

Have you ever felt the increasing desire to erase your existence from this earth? Periodically, those feelings come crashing into me. I wonder what would the people I care about lives be like if I never were. I also wonder if it would be better if I just chose not to exist now. To just wake up one morning, get in my car and drive. Not telling a soul where I am not even knowing where I am going. But the thought of being so alone with my thoughts terrifies me so much more. I mean I look at the pages of my life's book and I see good, great, but right now I seem to be engulfed in the painful. Imagine that for the last 34 months I have been miserable. The minimal amounts of happiness I've felt seems to cause triple the pain. I've felt no joy, no peace, for if its not one thing, it's another.

For starters why can't I love the person who loves me the way he deserves to be love? Why can't I be for him what he needs? I mean he loves the hell outta me, but I keep hurting him over and over. I need to just leave so he can find the right person, but I don't want to be without that kind of love, but its not fair to him. I want to be everything for him, but I for some reason don't know how to be.

Being a parent was the only thing keeping me sane, but now that they're not here anymore, I have lost all sanity. I am angry and sad all the time. Please don't underestimate ALL. I don't have good days, I have good hours or moments. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.

I'm losing at this life thing and I don't know how to turn it around.

Cheating

Why do people cheat on their significant other? This topic caused a heated pseudo debate on my good friend's facebook status comment link. The opinions varied across the spectrum, all in all most people agree, this is not a simple question to answer. It varies across the spectrum and no situation is the same in most cases.

However, it was the bitterness surrounding the topic that intrigued me the most. The sound of someone who has probably been cheated on and had their heart stomped on. Woo Woo Woo Boo, its happened to almost everyone. And there's a 98% probability you've cheated on someone. Before you get all high and mighty on me, let me start over and explain the rules of MY blog.

I'll start by defining some key terms. Significant other will include any person with whom you are supposed to be monogomous with and share a level of intimacy. So married, dating, or whatever. Cheating = anything done that violates a level of trust between you and your significant other causing you to feel the need to hide it or lie about it. Now that the basics are in place, let's get it on!

Now why do people cheat? Honestly, I believe cheating is a reflection of an unfilled void. It's like a hunger, when your body craves food, it sends a signal to your brain, thus you say "I'm hungry" now we do have a choice whether or not we feed it, but the longer we wait the body increases the signal's output. Then comes hunger pains, now you're hungry, and the pain has kicked in and if you continue to hold out, that embarrassing growling begins. Yet in instances where we may not be able to supply the food, the body takes it upon itself to reproduce fat and nurish itself on that. Now, for those of you who are health fanatics or science majors you know this is not a good thing. Over time, if we continue to neglect the body and not feed it, it will begin to break down causing weakness, and or disease to set in. Should we hold out just long enough we will inevitably die. That is a fact.

Now that I have taken you on that little journey replace hunger with cheating and use food and some form of emotional metaphor. Add a word here and there and you will come up with a similar answer to the original question. When a person cheats something is missing in the relationship whether it is personally (not happy with oneself, selfish, greedy, etc) or its collective not getting whatever he/she needs out the relationship. At some point if there is a void and the significant other cannot or does not fill it, either someone will cheat, the relationship will die, or the person with the void will begin to suffer emotionally and eventually that too could cause physical illness.

You see, in my honest, non professional opinion cheating for some is a means to an end. Someone is looking for something he/she has not been able to find. Also, cheating sometimes provides a new perspective, because if you find yourself in either position the cheater or the cheated on there is a lesson to be learned. A. This person is not for you in which case you do not have to waste another minute on them and you're free to be with someone who can and will love you the way you need to be loved. B. You were selfishly taking care of your needs and neglecting those of your partner. C. The person you were with is just not the one for you, and eventhough it hurts, it just is that way. There are many, many more lessons that could be learned, but you get the gist.

Again, in my honest, non professional opinion 98% of us have cheated. (Refer to my earlier definition) We have done something we felt the need to hide or felt slightly guilty about and anything we hide from our significant other is cheating. Whether it be flirtatious texts, emails, phone convos, etc. Anything we've done. Fantasizing about someone else while we're with our significant other all cheating in my opinion. That's why I find it funny when people want to judge others for cheating when there's a huge probability that you too have partaken in cheating. Sex is not the only way to cheat, but any type of intimacy with someone other than your "boo" is cheating, so I say check yourself before you play judge and jury.

Now does this blog answer the question as to why people cheat, maybe...maybe not; but hopefully it gives a little insight on the concept of cheating. I in no way am trying to glorify cheating, but I am a strong believer in "he who sits in judgment has only yet to be judged." Like someone told me, take every heartache as life's lesson so you don't repeat it in the future.

Loving you

I have loved and been loved
In fact, I'm being loved right now
But as much as my mind wants to love him
My heart won't let go of you
From the first time we met
To the last time we touched
I loved you more
And you cared much less
If my assessment is wrong
This is what I felt
Except when we kissed
So I cut you loose
Cuz your heart is with someone else
And mine is hopelessly devoted to you
I refuse to let you break my heart twice
But now that you're gone
There's no joy in my life
So I climb into the bed of the man who loves me
While I'm loving you
Guessing you're with the person you love
And lucky her, she's loving you too.

You and I

I needed you; you weren't there
I reached for you all I felt was air
I called your name til I nearly choked
I kept calling yet no one spoke
You say you didn't know; I should've made it clear
You say you said your hand was outstretched but maybe not so near
You say you didn't hear me; so I should have yelled
You say that had you heard me you would not have failed
I say then baby why didn't you see the signs
You say how can I expect you to read my mind
I say but I let you in the way you asked to
You say but I thought that was something you weren't willing to do
I say for you I wanted to try to show you who I really was
You say I always knew you, and I loved you just because
I say then why did you leave me when I was at my lowest low
You say I had to give you space and sunlight so you could fully grow
I say where does this leave us? Is there a you and me?
You say baby if you follow I will definitely lead

So Sick of Love Songs

I'm sitting in darkness in my sorority sister's townhome listening to So Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild. As the melodic harmony and rhythmic beat washes over me, I feel some kind of way. His lyrics are inspiring and alas I long for someone to say those words to me and mean it. Yet the someone who says it, doesn't make my heart race or force the corners of my eyes to tighten as a smile washes across my lips. So is wishing for "someone" to say it the incorrect way to go about this? Should I wish for the right one to say it to me? Or is the one saying it to me the right one and I'm so preoccupied by the someone else I'm missing the point?

Now as Raheem's voice emerges from her speakers he says, "should you feel thirsty I'll be sure to bring you water...when hearts beat as one, no ordinary love for you and I now close your eyes and picture us breathing life into love." My imagination races to the first time "he" touched me, not sexual just the first time we made skin to skin contact. It was at that moment my heart exited my chest and dropped into his hands. All logic of what should or should not be left. Never had I ever felt this way about anyone, and I have loved, been loved, and been in love but none of them had managed to make me feel this way even at the peak of our love affair. And he was just my friend.

"...Never dug anyone like this, never had tasty lips to kiss, never missed anyone like this, never wrote a song quite like this..." Damn you Maxwell, I probably couldn't have verbalized this any better. The only thing is while he's fortunate to have his baby, I've never been given the privilege. So where he blesses the day he found her, I curse the day, because no one should ever fall this hard for anyone only to never have it materialize. And the music fades out the tears well up, but the song ends just before they can fully mature.

R. Kelly and Kerri Hilson, Number 1 Sex...hmmm. Well, since we're being honest. I can't say that the first time we had sex was amazing or that I saw stars, because I didn't. With him, and him only I was absolutely terrified. I felt so unlike myself. I couldn't function, I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't express that performing was not possible. It wasn't until I reflected on it that I realized how hard it is to give yourself to someone physically and walk away. Yet, I know that should I be favored with a second chance, this is the song I want to exemplify how it plays out.

"I can't control the feelings, because I know you're here/ I feel you from the floor to the ceiling I feel you when you comb your hair...you're my bad habit...You got me so sick with this love, I'm so in love I can't come down...you're my bad habit...I gotta break from you...I can't control the feeling..." I want to, but I don't know how or do I really want to?

*interlude as I head down stairs to pour myself a glass of Moscato, hell let's just bring the whole bottle, I think I'll need it by the time I reach the end.*

Well, now that I've had 2 glasses I think I'm capable of continuing. It's raining here and while I normally enjoy the rain, I wish he were here to hold me because I can't think of a sexier scene then me in his arms nodding in and out of restful sleep or making love with the blinds open and the rain as our back drop. This unfulfilled desire has caused me to detest the rain, then Raindrops by Jeremih comes on.

J. Holiday enters the room "turn up the radio so you can yell as loud as you want..." Ha I'm a screamer, there's no shame in that, but now all I can think about is me and him making that sound. Ugh!! Now Jamie wants to remind me about liking it Slow. Lawd knows I need some sexual attention of epic proportions because even when I'm getting great sex, it's his hands, his eyes, his lips I visualize. Again I don't know why because he was not my best nor was I his but my heart and head won't let go of him. Maybe they realize the great potential that went unrealized or maybe that's the way love goes.

As if I'm not in a self inflicted hell already, here comes Floetry. "There is only one for me/You have made that a possibility/We can take that step to see/If this is really gonna be/All you gotta do is say yes...Loving you has taken time/But I always known it could be..." I hate feeling this way, why can't I fall for the one who loves me as poetically as I love him? I am betrayed by my heart, and here comes those pesky tears, again. I refuse to let them fall; he doesn't deserve them. He already has every ounce of me, I have to keep something for myself even if it is only tears.

Maybe I Deserve, to feel this pain because of every heart I've ever broken or every person who has ever loved me that I didn't love back. Maybe this is my fate, to love someone so hard so much and live with them loving someone else. I have never felt a pain like this not even in childbirth. I'd gladly go back to that moment if it meant I'd never have to feel like this again.

And just like that, the one thing I wanted to keep for myself cave in for him...just like me. I've never been so powerless over my own will. Why is it that when all I want is the dream Rueben sold me when he sang "Together" all I get is Heather Headley, because I wish I wasn't, Brandy's Brokenhearted, and Vivian's Emotional Rollercoaster, which are all killing me softly.

Mental Penetration

I could write about sex, but that would be too easy,
Plus it takes more than a dick and a tongue to please me.
I want mental penetration and I don’t mean being played,
I mean getting in side of my head; making it impossible to stray.
So even when you’re not physically here
Your face on his body comes in crystal clear.
Now I will explain what I need you to do,
To brainwash me to be only complete with you
Here’s a secret no amount of money could’ve bought.
Get inside my head, and my every thought,
I will break this down as plain as I can,
The truth of how to be solidified as the man.
Start with my curiosity; my interest must be peaked
Like kissing my lips long, sensual, and deep.
Tell me all of your secrets, while you hold me close,
Like gently nibbling on my ear, which turns me on the most.
Graze your lips across my neck, as you push aside my hair.
Like showing me random acts of kindness that remind me how much you care.
Spend time getting to know me, if I’m a right brainer or left
Pretend it’s you caressing and sucking on my 2 voluptuous breasts.
Ensure me that from my pasts hurts I undoubtedly have protection,
Like placing trails of kisses on my flaws and imperfections.
Remind me that regardless of my mistakes your feelings for me remain unchanged
Like twirling your tongue inside my navel and not feeling ashamed.
If you stick your tongue deep into the sweetness of my brain,
Don’t be surprised if my emotions overflow and cum down like pouring rain.
Now spread my thoughts like 2 thick thighs I reluctantly spread apart,
Let me know that each one matters, and soon you’ll have my heart.
Now enter my essence like a tight wet slit that gets wetter with every stroke,
Assure me that your love for me is definitely no joke.
Finally, put me in your favorite position, just the way you like
Which is just like pulling me close to you and asking me to be your wife.

Update

As a follow up to the previous blog. I'm still no better. But I'm clear on what I need to do. I need to let go and move on, I mean not everyone ends up with their soulmate living in total happiness right? CORRECT!!

I'm just relocating to the nearest bottle for the time being. I'm going to work and just live and eventually one day I'll wake up and this will all be a faded memory or at least a blur.

I can fill my bed with a different person each night if I want or I can just find that one consistent lay who allows me to call upon his services whenever I so choose. Yeah, I think that sounds more my speed. As long as he doesn't go catching feelings I think we'll be alright, because the moment he says "I feel or my feelings" he's gone faster than Usain Bolt running the 100.

As for my other behaviors, ah that's yet to reveal itself. I told someone "I'm not in a good place right now nor do I intend to be anytime soon." Shortly after saying that I realized I haven't been in a good place in a long time, and that's how I ended up right where I am now. Trying to get out of a bad place into a good one led me to a worse place.

You know you're in a bad place when you're always a whisper from crying or a steak away from slitting your wrists. And when your only way to sleep is to hopefully pass out in a semi drunken haze you're probably in a bad place. Yet people keep coming to me for help or advice. Can't you see my life is already fucked up? Maybe I hide it so well that the only people who know the truth are reading this blog.

How do you know you're in a worse place? When you come to realization that the last time you laughed, or smiled and meant it was when you were with them and now they're with someone else.

Damn

Broken...

I hate that the reoccuring theme of this seems to be heartache and pain, but my life is what is. I find that no matter where I turn pain seems to follow me. I thought I'd finally gotten a grasp on things, but lo and behold here it comes.

Well, I was heading off to the library, because I mentor and tutor a group of high school boys in conjunction with my organization. I get a text fom that person that makes me smile no matter what. The text read, "When you get a minute I need to talk." I immediate hit him back, and was like "I'm headed to a meeting, but I'll get at you afterwards. But are you alright?" "Yeah, I just need to talk."

Now in all honesty we are just friends, but here's some more honesty I've always felt like at some point we would be together just not now for various reasons. So, I get to the library and to my surprise there were like 8 other tutors there. Now it's usually only me, but with 8 tutors and 10 students I was able to get mine started and step away to make the call. I was rushing because his text troubled me.

When I call him expecting to hear something either traumatic or just weird, here's what I heard "I've been talking to this chick for about month..." At that moment I heard I felt all of my emotions trying to exit my body at one time. I felt my legs weaken beneath me. My heart slowed down to an unnatural pace and my eyes began to burn, but I maintained my outward composure. Only God knows how.

I listened very carefully and I advised him truthfully. I did not once express any ill will and I told him how to fix it. If you've ever been in this predicament then you know how hard this was for me. But I've learned that when you love someone all you want is for them to be happy even if its not with you.

And apparently I'm not that one. I have not eaten or slept since it happened. I have found myself in more physical pain than I care to discuss, but you get the point. I don't understand why, how come, or whatever question I can ask. I have always been there for him through everything. I think this was the last straw. I'm officially broken...I'm done.

How I Met My Husband

I am 5’6, milk chocolate brown, with piercing hazel eyes
I have a slim waist, perky Ds, and nice thick thighs.
An ass as thick as Jiffy cornbread
Succulent lips then confirm that I, in fact, give head
I keep well manicured hands and pedicured toes, no doubt
Perfect for scratching his back and putting them in his mouth
I am always at the spa for a maintenance waxing
Keeping the purring kitty prim and proper for a tongue lashing
As if it weren’t obvious I am full fledged freak
I am down to do it whenever or wherever the spirit moves me.
I’ve given and received head in a glass elevator in the mall
And neither of us stopped even when security was called.
I’ve been bent over a clearance rack in Neiman’s
Eaten out on the counter of a cleaners.
Anally probed in the dressing room at Guess,
Rode a dick at BeBe’s wearing an unpaid for dress.
Before you lay judgment on the sexual activities in my life
I’m just being a loving, dutiful wife
Now, before you call me a liar
Let me tell you how I met my husband almost 3 years prior.
We were at a young professionals luncheon
He sat next to me and we embarked on an interesting conversation
The chemistry was immediate as his words turned me on
And I knew of an escapade it wouldn’t be too long
We individually made our way to a bathroom in the host hotel
However, it was inside where we got to know each other so well.
Our eyes met as we exited our respective restroom doors
It was obvious that we want to see each other more personally than before
We both looked over our shoulders and saw no one was there
So we both entered the ladies room without another care
With one leg on his shoulder and the other on the stall wall
He admired then ate my pussy up without letting one drop fall.
After impressing me with his skill at pussy suction
He pulled out his weapon of mass destruction
It was approximately ten inches of pure caramel perfection
I was amid admiring it when he slid in his thick, hard erection.
I moaned so loud I startled myself
It was good to him too, so he let out a mid toned “yes”
He stroked in and out of my dripping wet walls
And we were so in the groove we started shaking the stalls.
Being who I am I could not just let him run this
So as soon as I got my footing I started grinding my hips
He stood there momentarily motionless as worked my pussy mid air
He then held me into him and started pulling my hair.
“Fuck me!” I moaned realizing he was about to explode
But I unselfishly dropped down and swallowed every drop of his creamy load.
However, I kept sucking him until he was hard again
Then he sat down and I straddled and started riding him.
He pulled my wrap dress open exposing my pink satin bra
Then my pulled my breasts out and started tonguing them raw.
He fingered my clit as I came on his dick continuously
My sexy moaning was arousing him, so pulled out and resumed eating me.
He swallowed my juices and let only a few drops trickle down the side
Then he bent me over slowly slid every inch of him inside.
I twerked my ass and squeezed my pussy walls around his manhood
Had both of us moaning because it felt so good.
His stamina was amazing as we were sexing like crazy
Not for one moment was his stroke, hand or mouth lazy.
He spread my ass cheeks to intensify my orgasm
Not only did I cum, but it gave my pussy uncontrollable spasms
When he finally came he exploded on back
And watched as his cum drizzled down my crack.
Realizing the time we both washed off real quick
And tried to make it back to luncheon, but realized it was missed.
We exchanged numbers not really expecting to do this again.
He walked me to my car and made sure I was safely in
Then he and I parted ways and I figured this was the last of him I’d see
But when I got home the ghost of desire for him was haunting me
I grabbed one of my toys and made my way to shower
And must have masterbated in there for nearly an hour.
But none of it came close to pleasure I felt
I realized I could never get that feeling by myself
I shrugged it off and accepted defeat
And tried to relax by going to sleep
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how he made me moan
Then I somehow ended up grabbing for the phone
To my surprise before I dialed he was already on the line
It wasn’t long before I spoke these words of mine.
“I can’t stop thinking of you, and it’s a quarter to four.”
He said, “Me either, so come open your door.”

A Sneak Peek into my world...

I am probably one of the most complicated people you will ever meet. I am closed off, quiet, reserved, outta control, strange, shy, wild, deviant, hell there's not enough time or paper to fully explain.

I'm not beautiful or perfectly sized, but I usually do pretty well when it comes to meeting guys. The catch is that I meet the ones who are always trying to convert me or change me into what they feel I should be, but I'm not that girl. I have always been different. I think different, I act different, I stand out cerebrally, but I blend in; in person, that's me.

My teachers always used to and some still do tell me that my thought process is nothing like anyone else's. At first that embarrassed me, but later I began to embrace it.

I don't view the common like anyone else. I have a tendency to make the simple complicated, but the complicated is child's play in my world. I'm always looking for more, my appetite is insatiable. I have never truly been happy except being a mother. That is my greatest joy, but it wasn't until a recent string of bad events that I realized how much that meant/means to me.

I have a hard time being completely honest with people because I am unhappy with my current status. Even more so, I fear being judged. I am the first to step up and say that I have been through and seen more stuff in my life than many would believe. But where the problem comes is when I have to discuss what those things in are. I don't want to be judged by anyone else, because I judge myself constantly and trust me I'm the worst.

Originally, I had intended this blog post to be my coming out party of sorts, but I changed by mind, hence the title "sneak peek". I'm insecure about what the future holds for me. I want to do so much, but right now I'm so stagnant. That is slowing killing me. None of the older women in my family have/had gray hair but I saw my first one on Saturday. Figures. I'm always stressed, crying, or depressed. Every time I laugh there's a million more tears in the background.

People tell me that I think and act like a man. I have to admit there's some truth in that, but I hurt like a woman; even though I try to hide it like a man. See the constant anomaly that is me?

I haven't spoken to or seen my mother, father, sister, or brother in over 2 years. They ripped my world apart and broke my heart and no matter how much I try, I don't know that I will ever truly forgive them. I'm a grown woman and I'm still running.

Being alone with my thoughts is pure torture. I crave to have someone who knows the real me and accepts me just as I am, but I fear that will never happen because I'm so ashamed of this person I've become. And sometimes I hurt good people trying to find my way, so I've stopped looking. I settle for what I have, when I need so much more, but I'm the obstacle standing in my own way.

I realized the other day, that I fall for guys whose lives are similar to mine... pure chaos!! Why? Because that's what my life is like so I can focus on making him better and I don't have to deal with my own shit. Also, that's who I feel most comfortable with because they can't/won't judge me because they're focused on getting their lives in order. Guys who have their business in order intimidate me because I feel I have nothing to bring to the table. And I am right, I'm not who I need to be, I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I want to be a compliment not an insult.

In Mary J's words "if you look through my eyes and see what I see..."

Questioning Love

Why do we fall in love with someone, but can never find the words to tell them?
Why does it seem like when the words appear our voice disappears?
Why do we obsess over whether or not they feel the same way?
Why do we feel like no one can ever love us because of the past that precedes us?
Is it because of the baggage that comes with us?
Or because of the scars that have yet to heal?
Why do we believe that love is a hallucination created by mankind to act as a social control?
Why do we feel like the more we look for love the less likely we are to find it?
Why does being loved by the wrong one satisfy us?
Is it because we don’t think there is a right one?
Do we fear being alone?
Is that why we settle for the one who loves us?
Because the one we love doesn’t love us back?
Is that fair to the one who loves us?
How about to us?
What about to the one who we will love and who will love us back?
Why should he/she be forced to live a life of partial fulfillment because we decided to settle?
Why are some of us destined to be alone?
Why does it always seem like Mr. - Ms Wrong are the ones who approach and bedazzle us while their counters are in the background waiting for us to see them?
Why do we beat ourselves up over the one who leaves us, but are never grateful for the one who finds us?
Is that fair?
Is such the circle of life…or love?
Why is falling in love so amazing?
But falling out of love so devastating?
Why do our gestures of love go unnoticed?
Why is it so hard to tell each other how we feel?
Why don’t we walk away when we know it’s not gonna work?
Why does goodbye have to equal failure?
Why doesn’t our soul mate come with sign?
Why do we accept sacrificing our hearts so our pride can remain intact?
Why do we let distance determine our fate?
Why do we feel our lives must be perfect before we commit?
Why must we taste every apple on the tree before deciding we prefer oranges?
Why do we dismiss the person who best suits us because we’re not ready?
Why aren’t we willing to work on ourselves while we grow with them?
Why no matter how matter how many questions I ask; no one will have the answers?

Turn the lights off on your way out...

Today started off like any other Sunday. I slept in, ate a little something, and headed to my sorority meeting. While driving I began to feel a little queasy, but that wasn't uncommon considering my mental circumstance. I had taken on the challenge of not thinking of him today. It was going quite well. I had only cried twice.

As I sat through the meeting, my stomach pain became more intense. So once the meeting was over, I drove myself home. I figured this either meant Mother Nature was coming early or my body was finally feeling the wrath of my broken heart. Just as a precaution, I prepared myself for the former, took 2 Advil, and laid down.

I curled up in a ball and quickly drifted off to sleep. I woke up approximately an hour later stunned, because my sweats were drenched in blood. I went to the bathroom and attempted to clean myself up, but the pain came back with a vengeance. I washed up as best I could, grabbed my purse, keys, and a trash bag for my car seat and drove myself to urgent care.

Thank God it was only around the corner. I staggered into the emergency room and just as I was about to collapse an orderly caught me and broke my fall.

I don't remember the specifics, but there were people talking, the room was moving, and my stomach was throbbing. I had no clue what was going on. I think I asked a nurse, but I don't think she answered me. All I remember is everything going dark and then silence.

I woke up sometime later in a hospital bed wearing one of their peek-a-boo gowns with an IV in my arm. I still felt nauseous, but I also felt extreme soreness, and I was groggy as hell. Just before I could hit the call button, a beautiful Hispanic nurse walked in. She saw me fidgeting and said, "Good you're awake, we were beginning to worry." I swallowed hard, but my mouth was dry so it took a moment to get the words out. "Worry?" I quizzed. "What is wrong with me?"

Looking flustered, the nurse hesitantly replied, "The doctor will be making his rounds soon, you can talk to him about that." She continued to check my vitals. Just as she finished documenting my blood pressure, I touched her hand and barely above a whisper I uttered, "Please."

My eyes must have communicated how desperate I was for answers because her expression softened and I could tell she was trying to choose her words wisely before answering, "The baby didn't make it." I didn't say a word, because they escaped me. "You had a miscarriage." she said trying to help me make sense of her previous statement.

After what seemed like a long pause I said, "That can't be possible. I had a cycle after the last time I had sex." I shook my head in disbelief. "Some women have a menstrual cycle their entire pregnancy. It's rare, but not impossible." she said softly while searching my face for understanding.

"Oh my God!" was all I could manage as I placed my hands over my mouth. Millions of thoughts, questions, and memories flooded my mind. But the reoccurring question was "Should I call him?" And that indeed was a conundrum. He and I hadn't spoken in so long, I didn't want him to feel like this was a ploy to get him back. More importantly, I didn't want him hanging around because he felt sorry for me either.

Nevertheless, I was alone, and I wanted him there; more out of friendship than anything else. I desperately needed a friend right now, and he was the ideal candidate, because this was his loss too. Our loss.

Even though neither of us was ready for a child, we had created one. My imagination began to run wild. I envisioned a beautiful caramel complexioned little girl with sandy brown hair and a smile that would light up a room. Or a hazel eyed little boy who was the spitting image of his father.

Realizing this would never be, hurt more than I would have thought possible. I should have been relieved, but I wasn't. And I cried silently. What is so wrong with me that even a child who shared half of my DNA didn't want me either?

I hadn't noticed, but the nurse had reappeared, or maybe she had never left. I couldn't be sure, but she walked over and handed me 2 pills. "The white one is for the physical pain, and the light blue one is for the emotional...stress." she finished, again choosing each word carefully. I took both without saying anything. "Are you alright?" she asked as if she already knew the answer.

"When can I go home?" I asked dryly. "In a few hours." she said cheerfully. "We want to monitor you a bit more." she concluded. I rolled over and faced away from her.

"Ma'am is there anyone we can call?" she asked the loaded question genuinely.

"No!" I snapped unintentionally. "Ok. Anything else?" she said lightly, obviously not taking offense to my previous answer. "Turn off the lights on your way out." my voice quivered.

Darkness

The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

Late Night Email Alert

I came home from the club slightly inebriated. I stumbled over every chord or wire in my apartment as I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself.

(Ever since this break up (for lack of a better word), I have developed a slight drinking problem. Before you judge me, try to understand my pain. I am irrevocably in love with a man who does not love me back. At least not the way I love him, and if he does and I use the word if cautiously; he has never told me nor do I see it in his actions. I have been hurt many times, and I thought this was different. Wrong. He played me. Imagine that for a moment, and see if you fancy a drink or two from time to time. Back to today's events)

I washed my hands and stumbled back to the living room, humming "Break Up" by Mario. (oh the irony) As I reach the sofa, I kick off my heels, pull my dress over my head and throw myself on the waiting couch cushions. I grabbed my sorority blanket and curled up on the couch. I turned on the television, but I don't remember what was on because I was not really paying attention.

I must have nodded off because when my Blackberry rang with its familiar email alert I was startled. Since my BlackBerry is synced with my personal email, I knew that whomever was emailing me was someone I was either related to or knew me personally. With that in mind, I did not hesitate to check it.

Now imagine my surprise when I read his name in the from box. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and I froze. I didn't know whether to shit or shine my shoes. Should I delete it? I didn't know, but if I did I would wonder about it for all the days of my life. Funny but the subject line read "please don't delete." I chuckled a little, because he knew me too well. Then I sighed loudly at the thought.

My eyes kept scrolling back and forth looking at the name and subject line for what seemed like hours, but I know it was not. Finally I got the courage to check it, and it read:

My love,
I know I shouldn't be writing this, but in lieu of the text message I got from you last night, I knew I had to respond. Your words troubled me all day, but the answers you seek I cannot give you. All I can say is that I need space. I am not ready to be who you deserve me to be. I have much growing to do. I will always care for you, more than you know.

You are now and always will be "the perfect verse over a tight beat."

He'd always ended every text, email, card, or letter that way ever since we had seen the movie. He knew it was my favorite line.

Reading that email re-opened the wound, and lined it with salt.

P.S. When I woke up in the morning and attempted to re-read it, it was gone.

The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

A Drunken Text

My new pillow-top mattress had become the most uncomfortable place on earth. My bed seemed crowded even though I was the only one in it.

Search as I may, there was no comfort zone to be found. Then I began sweating profusely. It was hotter than summertime in hell in that room; yet I was longing for his arm around my waist or his chest under my face. I missed him. The tears began to well up in my eyes again, or were my eyeballs sweating?

I checked the temperature and the meter read a cool 65 degrees. How could that be; when I was obviously burning up? I shrugged it off and quickly set the automatic dial to 60 and continued to navigate my way through the darkness to the refrigerator. I poured myself a glass of Bacardi...ok maybe it was 3 or 4 glasses, but no matter.

I maneuvered my way through the darkness and sat on the couch. I grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. I don't know what I was expecting see on the television, but I know what I got; teenage love stories and soft core porn. All those did was cause the tears to fall more, but I saw no point in fighting it so I let them flow. I picked up what had to be my 5th or 6th glass of Bacardi and drank it way too fast. Even the stray tears falling into the glass did not deter me, and within a matter of minutes the glass and the bottle were both empty, just like my spirit.

I looked again at the screen and saw the couple making love and it dawned on me, it had been nearly 2 months since I'd felt the touch of man or the pleasure of an orgasm. "Fuck him" I screamed at the television. No matter what channel I turned to there was some form of love or coital bliss being displayed. Even on telemundo there was a confession of love going on that even I, being the non-Spanish speaker that I am, could understand them clearly. From their lover's exchange to the first moment their lips touched, it was obvious there would be no sanctuary on the television screen for me. The eye waterfall began to flow like the Niagara and I let them. Finally, I hit the power button.

For a few moments I just sat there sniffling in complete darkness. Looking for some type of distraction, I focused my attention on a nearly full pantry. "I could eat myself into a coma." I thought. But considering all the working out I'd been doing that would not have been wise. Besides, the next time we meet, I want him to see what he's missing. At that thought a slight smile crept up on my lips. My head started to spin as the Bacardi was just now kicking in, in full force I might add.

I looked to my right and saw my Blackberry. I quickly grabbed it to check for any missed calls or texts...nothing. I went to my saved texts and read some of the sweet messages he'd sent me, which now seemed so long ago. My mouth was dry, my stomach was tight, I felt like I might vomit. But once I regained control of my senses, I hit the reply button and typed a text that read:

You fucking bastard, why did you do this to me? You begged me to trust you, promised you wouldn't hurt me, and here I sit broken, in mind, body, and spirit. I let my guard down and let you in and you hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? I gave you more than I've ever given anyone in a very long time and you used me. How could you? I would have done anything and everything for you don't you realize that? What did you want that I was not giving? What did you need, that I neglected? Why take from me if you knew you never intended to give back? Why bother with formalities, I would have fucked you anyway had you just been honest about what it was? I'm grown.
Why did you pretend to care for me, to want me, to want me to want you then take it all away from me? I told you what I'd been through, I shared my pains with you, but you inflicted a new pain of your own. I've cried a million rivers over you and I will probably cry a million more. I loved you, yes I loved you. So tell me what happened, you owe me at least that much.

Send

Just then a flash of rational thought hit me. I was sure I was going to regret this in the morning. "What have you just done?" I whispered. But before I could fully think it through, sleep overwhelmed me and I passed out on the couch.

The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

Day 23...down for the count

I wake up 2 hours before my alarm goes off and stare at the ceiling. Re-engulfed in the pain that was temporarily sedated by the tears and sleeping pills which have now worn off. I lay here thinking about the whys, the how comes, and the what ifs. Driven only by the common sense that my job pays the bills, I reluctantly climb out of bed.

Now just because I'm moving doesn't mean I'm over it. It simply implies that I am capable of compartmentalizing. I stare at my swollen, sob ridden face and the only word I can muster is "damn!". I examine my puffy eyes and swollen cheeks; run my fingers across the now dry tear lines. Immediately, my fingertips acknowledge the new dampness that has made its way from the corners of eyes back down the familiar path ending under my chin. "Pull your self together baby girl." I say to myself barely above a whisper.

I grab a face towel from the linen closet, and turn on the cold water. Once the towel is completely wet, I carefully place it on my swollen apenditures. First my eyes, then my cheeks. I hold it there just long enough for the coolness to contrast and alleviate some of the swelling. The cold compress jolts me, but I do not move. After reapplying it 2 or 3 more times, I give myself a once over and see that my face is somewhat back to normal. I sigh.

I turn on the shower, drop my robe and step into the steaming hot water flow. The sound of the water mixed with the allure of the heat embrace my body and mind as I try to separate myself from last night's memories. Totally immersing myself into the momentarily bliss, I begin to sing,
"Very sentimental
And my cryings detrimental,
Tell me what I’m getting into,
I can’t lose my mind.
I think its time for me to let go cause my heart can’t take it no mo,
You were all I lived for but I leave you behind."

Before I could get out the most important line a huge lump built up in my throat and I was silent. Fighting back tears confirmed that I would not be OK, at least not now. I continued lathering up and rinsing off in silence. I stuck my face under the streaming water to thwart the tears and surprisingly it worked...or so it seemed.

I grabbed my towel and wrapped it securely around me and walked into the bedroom. The aroma from the soap began to dance under my nostrils and I feigned a smile at the memory of how this scent drove him wild. Remembering how many days I was late for work because he couldn't keep his hands off of me. My smile quickly disappeared when I realized I would not be late, but early because there was no one here to distract me. Feeling the desire to sob some, I grabbed my radio remote and hit play. Now why does it seem like every song on the radio is about you, when you're going through something?

First, I hear "If I can't have you, let love set you free/To fly your pretty wings around/Pretty wings, your pretty wings. I quickly change the station only to hear, "Sometimes love comes around/ And it knocks you down/Just get back up/When it knocks you down. I turn the station one more time hoping...no praying to hear a Lil John or Soulja Boy song so I can find the strength I need to put my clothes on. Then finally some salvation "Nuttin left to do but send her home to you/I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?/One more chance/Biggie give me one more chance."

Now I'm grooving, putting my clothes on trying to tuck my thoughts of him safely away, at least until 5pm. I slide on my stilettos, adjust my skirt, apply my lip gloss and give myself an approving once over. "You're going to be fine," I say to myself as I search for my keys.

I place my hands on my keys and I shuffle through the room looking for my purse, the commercial commences. The DJs are chattering, but I was not paying attention. Just then I hear it. I am stopped in my tracks...paralyzed. The pain in my chest, knot in my throat, heat around my eyes. The tears fall, the sobs immediately follow, and everything goes dark. I barely manage to call in to work as the sound of Mary J tortures me:
Sleep don't come easy
Boy please believe me
Since you been gone
Everything's goin' wrong
Why'd you have to say goodbye
Look what you've done to me
I can't stop these tears from fallin' from my eyes
Ooh baby
I'm going down

And just like that I went down for the count...

The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

The Realization

The time was 11:37 pm EST. The date was July 28th 2009. My body tensed, my eyes burned, I lay there still and motionless. All of a sudden, a flood of emotions engulfed me. At first, I didn't know whether I was going to laugh or cry; gag or vomit; seize or collapse. I was perfectly motionless. Then a loud SNAP!!! I felt paralyzed. In a flash each and every moment of my life appeared before my eyes like a live action movie...all the laughter, every tear, every hug, every highlight, and every disappointment. It was in this moment, it became clear I was going to die.

Still involuntarily motionless, all I could manage was the solemn flow of tears I could not restrain. I saw everything I had done, and everything I had ever wanted to do. I watched my children be born, graduate, and marry. I watched as my closest friends achieved every ounce of happiness each one of them deserves. In that moment, I knew it was almost over, because my body became hotter in some areas and colder in others. But I was still motionless. Then I saw him.

His eyes pierced through my soul, and I realized I was in hell. Damned to an eternity of longing for him and never being able to have him. I tried to close my eyes to ease the pain of his piercing gaze, but to no avail. I tried to lift my arms to cover my eyes or maybe to reach for him, but like a ton of bricks I couldn't lift them.

I wanted to scream, but my voice had escaped me. However the salty tears that had been falling made their way to my tongue, but the taste was unfamiliar. I tried to spit them back, but they fell into my mouth more rapidly and the horrific taste began to nauseate me. Instantaneously, I realized it was blood, but why would blood be falling from my eyes? I couldn't fathom an answer. Immediately the pain started. It was unbearable. Every inch of my body ached, there are no words for the turmoil I found myself emerged in. The best I can describe to you is that...I felt like each one of my limbs was being ripped off of my body.

He was still staring at me, with no pity, no sympathy, but smugness. He didn't care how much pain I was in. It seemed as though he rather enjoyed watching me suffer. Yes, I was suffering. I just wanted to be taken out of my misery. Could I just die already? My eyes begged for mercy, begged for death, begged for him to just go away all to no avail.

Once I had come to terms with the pain and had began to mentally accept my fate, he moved closer to me. A sympathetic look on his face. Had I finally suffered enough for him? Was he going to give me the death I had so long desired? Now his face was only inches from mine and I could feel the coolness of his breath on my skin, and in that moment all the pain ceased. Had I finally crossed over to the other side? He ran his hand gently across my face, down to my neck, and along my torso. My heart was racing.

He instinctively laid his head on my chest and intently listened to the sound of my heart beat. He touched his own chest and realized his heartbeat and mine were synchronized. (I had always thought in death the heart ceased to beat, but seeing as how I am no expert on dying being wrong was not impossible.) He held me closer and listened to the sound of my heart and smiled. For the first time he spoke,"your heart sings my name." I smiled because I knew it was true. The first time he had held me in his arms my heart had changed rhythms. I had realized it right away, but had never seen the point in mentioning it. We both lay there in silence. He listening to the song in my heart, and I stroking the back of his head; both of us at absolute peace.

Then I heard a voice. It was one I had heard before. I looked around but I saw no one. I felt his body tense, and I tried to console him with my hands and eyes, but he pulled away from me. I lay there confused, and his body stiffened again. I began to feel twinges of pain again; nothing major more along the lines of discomfort. No big deal considering what I had already endured. The voice spoke again, but the words were undecipherable for me. He stared at me for one long moment, as if pre-apologizing for what he was about to do. I stiffened my body in defense then he placed his lips on mine rendering me totally helpless.

In a time frame too fast to be interpreted in words, he reached his hands through my body. The pain was inexplicable. I screamed one of the most blood curdling screams anyone could imagine. Then, just like that he was gone.

No longer immobile, I lay there waiting to breathe my last breath, I decide to assess the damage. I reluctantly reach inside of the gaping hole in my chest only to find that it was gone!! Yet somehow I was still alive!? Although with the pain I was in, death would have been a welcome visitor. I examined the ground and saw mangled pieces of my heart. While he had left with the majority of it; he left behind traces of what had happened here. It was in this instance I realized, that my heart was broken.

The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

Why Him?

Why am I sitting here thinking of him?
Why does my heart ignore my head and let him in?
Why can't I heed the warnings previously set?
Why did I fall instantaneously the moment our eyes officially met?
Why do I let him drive me crazy, when I should care less?
Why does my heart chase after him, removing my bulletproof vest?
Why does every scenario begin and end with him?
Why do I never tell him and when we talk I keep pretending?
Why do I know it would never work, but my heart protests this fact?
Why does my head and heart constantly fight about all the qualities he lacks?
Why does an empty inbox fill me with discontent?
Why does the thought of being without him seem like a fellowless firmament?
Why does his kisses linger when he's not there?
Why do I wake up reminiscing about his hands stroking my hair?
Why do all these random things remind me of him?
Why after hearing his voice my day can finally begin?
Why with every move I make, I subconsciously think of him?
Why in every fleeting moment I'm imagining being in his arms again?
Why can't anyone make me feel like you do?
Why when the contenders are way better does my heart call out for you?
Why do I feel like he's captured a part of my soul?
Why compared to him no candle any man can hold?
Why are you so distant and can never expose how you feel?
Why am I so stubborn and I keep my distance still?
Why do I want to tell him everything about me, he's always wanted to know?
Why don't I tell him is because I fear he will let me go.
Why does the thought of being without him fill me with such fear?
Why does this even matter when he's not even here?
Why when someone mentions his name, I can't help but to blush?
Why when I get his text I feel such a rush?
Why when I don't hear from him I suddenly feel lost?
Why the moment I get his text or call; I'm back to being a boss?
Why do I feel I have to be there for him when he can take care of himself?
Why do I put him before me and everybody else?
Why did we ever meet if we're destined to be apart?
Why no matter how much my head argues this, I've still surrendered to you my heart?


The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

Does it exist?

I'm knee deep in the "Twilight" series, and it got me wondering...does a love like Bella and Edward's really exist? Are there two people in this universe who meet and time stops, and regardless of circumstances, situation, or flaws they are so drawn to each other one cannot imagine existing without the other?

In reading this first book I'm inclined to wonder will I ever feel this way or has anyone ever felt this way about me? Loving me so absolutely that I am his life or he is mine. That I would love him above and beyond all understanding. That no level of warning or fear for my own life could keep me away from him, and he with every fiber of his being will give his very own life for me should the circumstance arise. Love that looks beyond secrets, lies, flaws, and imperfections. Knowing that any and everything I've ever done wrong in the past is now forgiven, righted and wiped clean from my slate.

The kind that makes him always wonder where I am and makes me always wanna be where he is. The kind so strong even his family embraces me fully so as to ensure his happiness for they do not want to have to look into his eyes if I am no longer in his life. The kind of love that makes every other beautiful woman pale in comparison to me, and no man holds a candle to him. Trust me, I want it to be reciprocal.

The kind of love that makes me feel as though a part of me is missing when he's gone and I only feel whole when his arms are wrapped securely around me and I can feel his breath on my neck. The kind of love where his eyes hypnotize me, his touch sets my body and soul on fire, and his kisses nearly bring me to my knees. I want it. Where no matter what I feel I can tell him without fear of judgment or reproach and he can do the same. Where his love for me is obvious to every person within 100 miles of us. The type of person who giving birth to each of his children would be my honor and gift to him while I make no concern with my health.

The kind of love where his essence and mine are unified no matter how far apart we are. Love without question, fear, or doubt. Timeless, ageless, and unconditional love. The love of fairy tales and fables; of love stories and tragedies; of real life with a hint of romanticism. The kind that my children's children's children's children will be talking about for eternity. The kind that inspires people to be in love. The love that comes with absolute certainty and commitment that I am his and he is mine. The kind I do not have to guess or wonder about, because he is confident enough to keep me in the know and share his feelings every day not because I want him to, but because he cannot contain it. I want to compose lyric after lyric about him and it flow so freely from my fingertips it seems as if it were written a thousand times before. I want a love like Bella and Edward's, but I have to wonder...does it exist?

Honesty

I don't know how to be honest anymore. More because I'm so disappointed at where I am and how far I have not made it. I don't love myself and I barely like myself. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or who I'm supposed to be doing it with. I keep myself very closed off because I feel that everyone is out to get me and even more because I'm embarrassed with who I've become. I know there's a good person deep down inside, but I don't know where she is all the time. I can tell you these things with absolute certainty...I AM UNHAPPY!! I don't know the last time I felt pure joy and peace. I don't know the last time I smiled and it wasn't followed by tears of hurt or disappointment. It's funny how I've been given a gift to help others, but no one with the gift to help me has surfaced in my life. I don't know how to overcome this or get to a better place, all I know is that I don't wanna be like this anymore. I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to love, and I want to give myself openly and honestly; but first I must figure out how to love me and accept me flaws and all. It's funny how I can always see the good in people, but never in myself. I want to start over, but I don't think I can handle the truth of who I am, I don't know if I can continue to live like this; I know I don't want to, but it seems I have no options other than death.

Circles

I sit back and sometimes wonder "why"? Why do I continually find myself back in square 1? What have I done or what choices have I made that force me to travel in circles? Big ones, small ones,figure 8s; doesn't matter. They just lead me back to the same place. Just when it seems ground is being covered or progress is being made; I end up right back here, wondering "why or how come?" or better yet..."here again?" Now I realize in life we have lessons to learn, lessons to teach, assignments to carry out & failures to overcome, but damn what am I missing that keeps leading me back here?

What road along the way did I miss, what person(s) didn't I see, what task did I leave incomplete? I'm clearly missing something, but what? I try to be the best I can be, but why? I mean no one ever notices. On this path, this constant circle, I run into the same nemesis "my wrongs from the past; the mistakes I feel that I pay penance for daily. The regrets that haunt my day and night dreams. The tears behind every smile; the sadness that lingers through every good day." I question myself constantly about the what ifs or coulda, shoulda, wouldas. I don't get why all pleasure is followed by pain. Why all laughter is intertwined with tears. This circle makes it so hard to forget or be forgiven. I run into the same brick walls that seem to appear out of thin air. If God forgives us; why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves or others to forgive us?

When I forgive I do so without looking back; why am I not afforded the same courtesy? I seek a place where forgiveness is freely given and I get a 2nd chance to live down all of my past wrongs without them being revisited constantly so my broken spirit can heal. "Open wounds don't heal," is what I've always been told. Well, logically speaking neither does re-opened ones don't either...correct? This circular path is destructive as it is destroying my spirit, my heart, soul, and physical body. And along the way; who am I destroying or discouraging? Every time I hurt them they say "you again?" and when I say "oh this is the last time" (and in my heart I believe it is) they chuckle sadistically and say, "just like clock work you'll be back." I spend hours trying to ensure them that they are mistaken, but to no avail. So this time when I arrive they say "right on time, I told you you'd be back."

I scratch my head baffled at my unintended return re-tracing in my head every step I took that was different from the time before and try to make sense of how I still ended up back here. Then in the back of my mind I hear a voice that whispers, "no worries child, you still have a purpose here, and your way of escape is coming." Not fully reassured by this I nevertheless proceed forward and even those things look different they feel the same. I see a new path off the beaten trail and I attempt to take it, but a huge gust of wind blows me back. I try to push through, but the path was gone. So I reluctantly continue on where I left off. I hope I'm not an Israelite and my "promised land" is still mine by the time I figure all of this out.

Blowing his head up...

I'm sitting here baffled more at myself than anyone else. How in the hell did I let it happen? I'm so frustrated, maybe if I tell my story I'll be able to figure out the answer myself.

So I meet this man on a random website. After numerous private conversations we exchange numbers. Between talking and texting the relationship goes from pure friendship to some weird ass location. I find myself thinking about him more than normal and in ways uncommon to me. Unfamiliar territory a place I thought we both were. To my surprise he was no where near there. He was somewhere else; with a whole lot of someone elses. (is that even a word) Anyway, over time women have been putting him on a pedastal telling him how attractive/doable he is. Which is true I must admit, but when we initially began chatting he was flying under the radar at least semi. I liked that, personally I prefer a man who's under the radar, less competition means less drama. I hate drama. As time progressed and feelings began to develop I found myself wondering, wow have I met the "one"? But we continued to take it slowly, but I, trying this vulnerability thing decided to let him know how I felt. Expressing that I did NOT want a relationship but I was really feeling him. Mind you this is not my typical behavior, but when it happened I feel like the drift apart began. So I blame myself in part. Anyway, He said he cared for me too but somehow I just felt different, but it was around this time that all of the ladies began to openly express their feelings towards him. I just sat back and observed, noticing that many of them meant it; it hurt me. But I maintained my silence. I fell back in every way. As I faded to the background, I watched as these others headed to the forefront. I was hurt, I confided in my best friend and she said "don't sweat him, find someone else." I knew she was right, but I had real feelings and I had made myself vulnerable so now it was hard. You know I was so honest with him about things and I wish I wouldn't have been, because now I feel stupid. But my friend also said, "the one who's there in the beginning always gets left behind. But you will be the one he misses when the fakeness is revealed, but he will have missed out on a good thing." While that made me feel better, I was still hurt, because I gave up a brick or two off my wall to get to know him, but in time all things heal. Now he does occassionally hit me up, but I'm about to cut that off. It's just hard because he used to make my heart smile. Why do I fall for such loser? I hope that each one of those chicks he put me on the back burner for does him so dirty and when he comes back, because he will; I'm happily involved.

Your word...

I made a deal with a friend that if I did something for him then in turn he would do something for me. When it was time for me to do my favor I did it. When it was time for him to keep his end of the bargain; he flaked. Now there were a series of things he was supposed to do, but when he didn't do the first things I asked I was like fuck it on the rest. Don't give me your word, then back out. I'm good on that. So with that in mind I'm good on them too. I have never flaked on them for anything ever, but the one time I ask you for something you can't deliver, and you make excuses. Excuses are...(for those who know) I'm so disappointed in them, but they will never know, because I will never say anything about it. In fact, I don't have anything to say to them. There is no excuse they can give me because I gave them 12 hours to get it done. Hell if they had done it by this morning I wouldn't have been as upset as I am now. I've just learned that people's word is not always good. I could use this as an excuse not to trust anyone, but I will not. I just know to expect the worst, but realize that it won't always be like that. This person has helped me grow so much that I will never hate them, but I know now that our friendship has run its course.

Questions

What is it like loving someone you cannot have?
It’s the worst feeling in the world.
When you’re more than friends, but not quite in a relationship.
It’s as confusing as a mirror filled maze.
Listening to them proclaim their love for you
But
Watching them give their love to someone else,
Inflicts a pain too intense to express.
You’re always the one he runs to when the shit goes down
And you’re always there
Why?
Is it a foolish waste of time?
Are they?
You convince yourself that this can never be true
Because…
You feel like you should be there whenever they need you,
It is who you are
But
They are never there for you
Unless it suits them,
Or
Is necessary to keep your unparalleled devotion
What is it built off of?
Why are they worthy of it?
When their situation settles,
They leave you,
And
Run back to her.
So, why do you stay around?
Why do you offer him your shoulder when he has hers?
Is it so hard for him to exhaust the boundaries of his relationship with her?
Why must he ring my phone at 2 am when his life is in disarray?
Isn’t she lying next to him?
Or at least in the next room?
Why me?
Who am I?
I am the one who hides in the shadows,
Rejoicing in his successes
Consoling him in his losses
Encouraging him after his failures
Yet
My moments with him are few.
Why is it so easy for you to keep coming to me?
Do I make myself readily available?
If I were more unavailable would you cling to me, as I have to you?
Is it so hard for you to leave her?
What does she offer that I am not providing?
Should I just leave you alone?
You claim that what you feel for me is stronger than anything you have ever felt for her
Yet she holds the title
And
I wear the shame.
Yet
You have my heart
I gave it to you
Not willingly, but honestly.
As much as I want it back
I want you to have it.
Why?
When you continue to walk all over it with no regard of my feelings?
Why do I still allow you to possess my life force?
When you pick me up,
Put me down,
And toss me to the side like a doll?
Constantly.
There has to be a method to this madness
Right?
Were we meant to fall in love?
Or am I just obsessed with the idea of love,
Which has caused me to fall for someone unable to truly love me?
Is it that you lust after me?
And I for you?
Maybe that holds true for you,
But for me
It is so much more.
I find myself up late at night wondering where you are.
I spend the majority of my days waiting for your call
Your text
Your email
Your affirmation that I matter to you.
I crave your touch
Even when I have others to fill the void
I still feel empty
Because it’s not you
I want you
I need you
I love you.
But why?
When we can’t be together.
Many others try,
But you have succeeded
Is it fate?
Is it destiny?
Or
Just blind stupidity?
Still,
Every time one of us tries to walk away;
Someone’s hurt consumes them,
Someone looks back
Someone turns around
Someone can’t let go.
Why do we keep doing this to each other?
Better yet…
Why do you keep doing this to me?
Leaving fingerprints and scars on my heart
That some other man will try to heal,
should I ever be able to tear myself away from you.
As much as I hate the pain,
I love the pleasure
I desire it.
I desire you.
I’ve fallen in love with you.
How did I let this happen?
Just when my heart had healed
I met you
And it’s destroying me.
So I ask you,
If I let go, will you let go?
Can we let go?
Doesn’t she need you?
Don’t I need you too?
Do we belong together?
Don’t we fit so perfectly?
If so, what is keeping us apart?
Are we an accident of circumstance?
Were you meant to be a leaf in my life?
Am trying to force you to be a tree?
Is that why it hurts so much?
Never seeing all of my hard work come into fruition.
Why were we allowed to love each other, when it can never be realized?
Why has my heart betrayed me?
However, as much as my heart loves to love you
My head knows it’s wrong
My heart is breaking
My head is swimming
My soul knows the truth
In a perfect world we would be together.
Since it’s not,
I guess we can’t?
So many questions.

You're so vain...

Ok so I just got a call asking me if these blogs were about them. *Smirk* Then I tried to figure out who in the hell even knows I have a blog. I just started yesterday. Then I realized I posted the link on Facebook, for Jules but I didn't think anyone else would notice because I'm nobody special. Apparently, I was wrong. *hmph* But I feel as though I should set the record straight for now and later; because if I know them they will be checking in daily with their vain ass! No nigga this is not about you or anyone else really. I write and freestyle thoughts and ideas daily. I just post them at my leisure. Please boo-boo get over yourself. I'm not angry or mad at anyone...today lmao.

So, at approximately 9pm PST this guy a blast from my past calls me. I only answered because I didn't know who it was; I lost most of my phone numbers. So the conversation goes like this:
Him: Hey
Me: Yeah who's this
HIm: So, it's been that long you don't remember my voice
Me: Apparently
Him: Well beautiful I'd like to see you later tonight
At this point a light bulb comes on and I realize who it is and I smile to myself at the possibility of an indiscretion.
Me: I'm sure you would, but I'm quite busy.
HIm: look I just wanna see you, nothing else just see you.
Me: We'll I'm at a restaurant on the strip with friends you're welcome to join us
Him: Fine, I'll be there in 15
Me: OK
I'm blushing really hard and my girls look at me and say now who was that. So I explain the logistics. They're all excited and a little tipsy and even moreso when they see this fine specimen of a man walk towards us. He smiles at me and greets each of my friends by ordering them another round of drinks. (cheap trick I say) So we're talking and he proceeds to tell me the following:
"You know I really miss you. I think we should spend more time together like we used to."
I'm quite flattered, but apprehensive. It's not that he's a bad person just someone who isn't stable in himself and two unstable creatures head straight for chaos. So I whisper "I miss you too, but you know we weren't good for each other." So he asked, "Is this about someone else?" "No." I reply casually "I'm just remembering how this went in Round 1."
He said, "I'm different now, just give me a chance." My girls were sitting around pretending to chat, but really listening to every word. "I don't know, can I have some time to think about it?" I asked
He was like "sure baby. Just don't keep me waiting you know we should be together."
I don't know how to proceed. He's very good eye candy, great job, nice personality, and puts it down, but he has/had a wondering eye. I mean looking is one thing, but eye fucking is something else altogether. Now we were never in a relationship, because I am non-committal but there are boundaries of respect that should be honored. I don't like going in circles and I don't like repeat performers. Once I kick you out or our "situation" phases out I don't look back. Is that wrong on my part? Am I shutting out opportunities? Should I open up to the possibility that he's a different man? Or should I just use him for my nighttime pleasures and cut him loose on all other accounts? I hate not knowing the answers.

Day 3

So it's day 3 and no word from you.
I'm wondering how this is so easy for you.
We laughed we shared our thoughts,
but you can so easily cut me off.
Well, I spoke with my closest friends and they all agree
that you pulling away now is what's best for me.
I was investing in you, instead of investing in him;
a cycle that would prolly leave me broken hearted yet again.
It was always you and I; two not one.
And just like that our story had begun.
I gave you more than I intended to, but less than you wanted,
but enough for you to say hell at least she's honest.
I wanted you to always be there.
I grew to need you, I hate needing people because that shows I care.
I should have just kept my mouth closed ignored your advances,
but something about you made me give you chances.
Chances I have never given so easily;
opening myself up for you to hurt me.
You said you wouldn't but I knew you would.
You said you couldn't but I knew you could.
I knew I should have trusted my instincts as far as letting you in.
Especially after I swore to myself never to let anyone again.
Funny though I don't see you as a bad person,
and if we ever crossed paths on my part there would be NO cursing.
I'd just pretend not to see you as I walk on by,
then just when I'm far enough I'd dry my eyes from my silent cry.


The Diary of a Brokenhearted Girl

What Happened

I woke up this morning and I cried
To tell you the truth I have no idea why
My eyes were swollen with tears that I couldn’t identify
My chest was heaving and all I could manage was a breathless sigh
I woke up and reached for your shoulder, but it was gone
I stroked the empty pillow but there were no traces of you, not even your cologne
No imprints of our last night, I roll over only to find I’m alone
I check, but there are no voice mails or texts on my phone
I’m racking my brain for what could have gone wrong
But no answers, just a bunch of pseudo sad love songs
I dial my boss to let her know I’m feeling sick
I could hardly swallow, because my emotions are so thick
Now I’m trapped in this house with my memories of you
Still uncertain of what I should do
There’s no one I can call, because I spoke of you to no one else
Everything that transpired I kept to myself
Now for questions unasked I seek answers
Not knowing is a disease growing like cancer.
I can only assume there is something you don’t have to courage to say
It infuriates me the games that people play.
I would rather just know what the hell transpired
Cause trying to figure out what I did wrong is making me tired.
I met you on Sunday, let you in on Wednesday, and you left on Saturday
And just like that, everything we built is fading away.
So I erased your number from my address book
I deleted all of your emails and the pictures we took.
I am so fucking angry at you
But I’m angrier at myself too.
Because I should have tried harder to keep you at arm’s length
I should have fought with all of my strength
My safe, hurt free world, you carelessly tore apart.
After pillaging through the ruins you left, at least I found I still have my heart.

Am I Dreaming?

I'm sitting here listening to my 90s R&B playlist on IMEEM and this song just came on. Which causes me to wonder...Am I Dreaming?

Allow me to explain. I thought I had something going with this man then just like that with no explanation he was gone. In my confusion I have begun to wonder if it was all a dream.

Webster defines dreaming as a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events. However, my favorite definition and the one I believe applies to me right now comes from Encarta and it says: something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances.

This brings me back to my original starting point. Was I walking aimlessly in the darkness speaking to myself? Sharing my aspirations with the wind? Listening to my own voice echoed in the emptiness?

I often feel like so many things are missing from my life, but am I so delusional that I made up an entire relationship? I drift off to sleep wondering what I did or where I went wrong?

Then a voice whispers, "what makes you think it was you?"

I answer (yes I talk to and answer myself). “If not me, then what or who?” The voice continued on, “maybe there are unconsidered factors or circumstances. Maybe your life is in utter chaos and you need to straighten it up before adding to the equation. Maybe they were a leaf in your life and the wind blew them away, either way don't waste your time chasing it.”

I hesitated before responding, “But he made my heart smile in a way that no one before him ever has, and I’m afraid no one ever will again.” I winced at the admission. The voice softened slightly, “maybe your timing is off, and maybe you should just accept that I know what is best for you.”

I yell at the voice, “then why did you allow this to happen?”

No response

I yell again, “there's a reason for me being the way I am, for building the walls I have, for shutting people out, but this person...this thief broke into my fortress. Why?”

The voice calmly replies, “Maybe your wall was shutting out the wrong people, and I used this thief to weaken you for the right entry. Maybe you were so closed off in darkness that you couldn't see the light I have for you. Maybe I allowed it because they will be back and there needs to be an opening for their return. Or maybe young one, I allowed it because you do have free will.”
“Why do you pose more questions rather than give me answers to the ones I’ve asked. All of these maybes can I have a definitive answer? ” I exclaim in a fit of frustration. At this point I began to cry.

Again no response

“PLEASE!” I yell as my voice echoes off the walls.
Much more calmly, the voice answers, “what's more important is that you persevere and survive this to show others that it can be done. Whatever the reason(s) they will be revealed. For now, work on you. If you and he are to be it will be so. If not, you will get over him; if not today then in time. Allow me to do my job. For now, clean out your closet."

Before I could ask another question, my alarm rang...